Dan Vs. Season 1 quotes

Chris

Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.

Dan

Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]

Dan

[finds Hal] Helicopter Hal, we meet at last. Nice jacket.

I don't sign autographs, thanks.

Dan

Oh, I'm no fan. [punches Hal]

Why?

Dan

That's for making me pee!

What?

Dan

You love traffic!

Well, it is my bread and butter!

Dan

[punches him again] That's 'cause I can't digest butter!

Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!

Dan

I didn't! Now get in there and fly this thing.

Dan

Oh, this is terrible, come on! [everyone tells him to be quiet] Why are they shushing me? It's those Apple Johns onstage who are butchering the material.

[walks up to Dan] Please be quiet. You're disturbing the other patrons. [spills the soup on Dan's lap] Oops.

Dan

OW! You scalded me, you jackanape!

Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.

What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage?

[walks up to Dan] Alright, sir, it is time for you to make haste.

Dan

You don't tell me what to make. Unhand me! [gets thrown out of the dinner theatre] Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material. [the police officer walks up to him] It's the Bard, for crying out loud. No respect.

Sir, there's no loitering here.

Dan

I'm not loitering. I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends. Well, my friend and his wife.

Sure, you are. Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless--

Dan

[yelling] I'M NOT HOMELESS!

[gives Dan a ticket] Then here's your ticket for loitering.

Dan

Loitering?

Move along, sir. Don't make me arrest you.

Dan

It's never-ending with this place. Got the cops on the take. [walks off]

Chris

Hello.

Dan

We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.

Chris

Nope. I'm on a date.

Dan

With Elise?

Elise

Yes, Dan.

Dan

You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]

Dan

Baseball is a contemptible sport.

Chris

It's not contemptible.

Dan

It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.

Chris

How exactly?

Dan

It preempted my stories.

Chris

I meant the mirror thing.

Dan

Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.

Chris

He's called a commissioner.

Dan

Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.

Chris

How do you plan to do that?

Dan

Step 1, you drive me to Washington. Step 2, shut up.

Chris

Okay, I'll go.

Dan

I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"

Chris

Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in 3 days.

Dan

Wait. You like baseball?

Chris

I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--

Dan

Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?

Chris

Uh, no.

Dan

Fine. 1 leg. Come and pick me up.

Dan

[after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!

Chris

Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.

Sir! Thank you for your generous donation, sir. [opens the back of the truck]

Chris

No problem.

This old thing was just sitting around.

Dan

[inside the chair] Ow!

Chris

Shhh! -hould I, uh, help you move it? It's deceptively heavy. And misanthropic.

That would be great. [he and Chris lift the chair and put it in the truck] What was that sir?

Chris

Nothing. Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan". Goodbye chair.

Dan

[voiceover] Attention!

[falls over from his chair] Who are you suppose to be?

Dan

[dressed up wearing a marching band costume] I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.

Well, I have never heard of you.

Dan

Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! [throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream] Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.

I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!

Dan

[through a walkie-talkie] The football is in play. The football is in play. Over.

Was that the code?

Dan

[through a walkie-talkie] Yes! Over!

I forgot what that one meant.

Dan

[through a walkie-talkie] It means I have disabled the guard, and you guys can come out now! Over!

Oh, right. Gotacha!

Dan

[through a walkie-talkie] NO! You don't say "gotcha". It's "Roger".

Oh, right. Gotcha!

Dan

Oh, I hate that guy.

Hey Roger? The radio's still on.

Heh heh heh. Back for more? [menacingly rings his bell trying to attack him, but Dan presses the open trunk button to release Rottweilers by scaring the Salvation Armed Forces Guy away, screaming, Dan enters to get the toaster back]

Dan

[as he gets caught by a sandstorm] There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious! There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious!

So you have a husband?

Elise

Not anymore.

Let's go on a date.

Elise

Snap out of it, Chris!

Where?

Dan

I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.

Chris

I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.

Dan

I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]

Chris

Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!

Dan

[pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!

Chris

Can we turn the spooky music off?

No. The spirits like it. Let us all join hands.

Chris

When was the last time you washed your hands?

Dan

Don't have to. Cat licks them clean.

Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington. Are you there, Mr. President? Make a noise if you are with us.

Dan

He's here.

Chris

She just kicked the table. Ow! Someone just kicked me.

George Washington will take possession of my body. [starts talking in an American accent] Hello. It is I, George Washington, 1st President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.

Chris

Continental Army.

That's what I said.

Chris

Is not-- Ow!

Dan

Is it really you, Mr. Washington?

Yes. Now what question can I help you with?

Chris

Dan, no!

What are you, a psychopath?

Dan

Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!

Chris

There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]

The spell is broken.

Dan

Oh, come on!

You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.

Dan

Well, you should have told me that before we started.

Just give me my $50 and get out.

Dan

You don't see dollar 1 until I speak with George Washington.

Remember, get paid first. Fine. I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise.

Chris

Not to kill you. We promise, right, Dan? Dan?

Dan

Fine. It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.

Chris

But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.

Ahem! What is it that I, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with?

Chris

This is ridiculous. That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.

Dan

So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.

Chris

Fine. What's your middle name, George?

I didn't have one?

Chris

Actually, I think that's right.

Dan

You have got to learn to trust the experts. I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay!

Oh, please. I'm the Father of Our Country. You're just an angry little man with a smashed car. Thousands of people still visit my home every week. Does anyone visit your home?

Dan

I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.

Chris

Come on. Let's go.

Dan

This isn't over.

The things I do for 50 bucks. [gasps] Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment!

Chris

[at the car] That was a waste of time.

Dan

Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same seance? He bragged about his house. That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.

Dan

I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!

Chris

You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.

Elise

Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.

Dan

Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!

Elise

I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.

Dan

The last thing I need is- Really?

Elise

Yes!

Dan

Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.

Elise

You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?

Dan

I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.

Elise

[whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?

Chris

Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?

Dan

Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?

Chris

And what state is it in?

Dan

D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?

Elise

So there is a savant half.

Home, sweet home.

Dan

Lovely place you have here.

Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.

Chris

Actually, I am a bit parched.

It's also where I take my baths.

Dan

What time is it, by the way?

Well, let's see. According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.

Dan

Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.

Television? Oh, not in my house. Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope?

Dan

[while looking at Hiram's zoetrope] So does this guy ever blow up or something? I mean there's not even a story arc.

I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.

Chris

[flatly] We get you.

Chris

So can we go home now?

Dan

Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?

Chris

You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?

Dan

What are you talking about?

Chris

Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.

Dan

Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!

Chris

See?

Dan

I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.

Chris

If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.

Dan

Oh, I think that's a stretch.

Chris

You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]

Dan

We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.

Chris

We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]

To the ends of the Earth!

Chris

Well, I've been wrong before.