[when the parking lot had a massive explosion]
Real nice, Dan. You almost killed us. Way to go.
Almost only counts in horseshoes and- [another explosion is heard]
S1 E7Traffic
[finds Hal] Helicopter Hal, we meet at last. Nice jacket.
HHHelicopter Hal
I don't sign autographs, thanks.
Oh, I'm no fan. [punches Hal]
HHHelicopter Hal
Why?
That's for making me pee!
HHHelicopter Hal
What?
You love traffic!
HHHelicopter Hal
Well, it is my bread and butter!
[punches him again] That's 'cause I can't digest butter!
HHHelicopter Hal
Well, how is that my fault? You can't just punch a celebrity!
I didn't! Now get in there and fly this thing.
[the helicopter flies off]
S1 E8Ye Olde Shakespeare Dinner Theatre
[Dan, Elise, and Chris are at the Dinner theatre watching a particularly bad performance of Romeo and Juliet]
Oh, this is terrible, come on! [everyone tells him to be quiet] Why are they shushing me? It's those Apple Johns onstage who are butchering the material.
MMan
[walks up to Dan] Please be quiet. You're disturbing the other patrons. [spills the soup on Dan's lap] Oops.
OW! You scalded me, you jackanape!
MMan
Sir, I've already asked you to keep it down.
TMTheater Main Actor
What clodpole disturbs the traffic of our stage?
NANervous Actor
[walks up to Dan] Alright, sir, it is time for you to make haste.
You don't tell me what to make. Unhand me! [gets thrown out of the dinner theatre] Throw me out? I'll throw you out, stupid hacks, misinterpreting the material. [the police officer walks up to him] It's the Bard, for crying out loud. No respect.
PPolice Officer
Sir, there's no loitering here.
I'm not loitering. I was thrown out of the theater for having taste, and now I'm waiting for my friends. Well, my friend and his wife.
PPolice Officer
Sure, you are. Listen, sir, although I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless--
[yelling] I'M NOT HOMELESS!
PPolice Officer
[gives Dan a ticket] Then here's your ticket for loitering.
Loitering?
PPolice Officer
Move along, sir. Don't make me arrest you.
It's never-ending with this place. Got the cops on the take. [walks off]
[Dan is at home and makes a phone call to Chris while he is with Elise at Ninja Dave's Cookies]
Hello.
We have to make them pay. They bruised my face with frozen produce. They are going down. Come over right now.
Nope. I'm on a date.
With Elise?
Yes, Dan.
You'd rather spend time with some girl than help me get revenge? When are you going to grow up? [hangs up]
S1 E9Baseball
Baseball is a contemptible sport.
It's not contemptible.
It needs to pay. It ruined my TV time, and it broke the side mirror on my car.
How exactly?
It preempted my stories.
I meant the mirror thing.
Don't get bogged down with minutiae. Drive me to Washington. I am going to yell at the president of baseball.
He's called a commissioner.
Oh, commissioner. La-dee-da. I'll have him reimburse me for my mirror and promise never to preempt my show again.
How do you plan to do that?
Step 1, you drive me to Washington. Step 2, shut up.
Okay, I'll go.
I don't want to hear your excuses, you miserable— wait, did you say "okay?"
Yeah, do you think we could try and get into the World Series? I mean, the last game's being played there in 3 days.
Wait. You like baseball?
I really do. Plus I'm on my own this weekend. Elise is--
Irrelevant. We go to see the Commissioner. If he won't meet my demands, then you have to break his legs, okay?
Uh, no.
Fine. 1 leg. Come and pick me up.
[after seeing the photos on TV] Oh, look at that! Those pictures don't even look like us!
Actually, Dan, it's probably a really good thing if the police sketches don't look like us. Don't be so sensitive.
S1 E10The Salvation Armed Forces
[the Salvation Armed Forces truck comes to pick up the chair from the house]
SASalvation Armed Forces Guy
Sir! Thank you for your generous donation, sir. [opens the back of the truck]
No problem.
SASalvation Armed Forces Guy
This old thing was just sitting around.
[inside the chair] Ow!
Shhh! -hould I, uh, help you move it? It's deceptively heavy. And misanthropic.
SASalvation Armed Forces Guy
That would be great. [he and Chris lift the chair and put it in the truck] What was that sir?
Nothing. Enjoy the Dan. Chair. The chair's name... is "Dan". Goodbye chair.
[the Salvation Armed Forces Guy closes the truck]
[voiceover] Attention!
CClerk
[falls over from his chair] Who are you suppose to be?
[dressed up wearing a marching band costume] I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.
CClerk
Well, I have never heard of you.
Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! [throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream] Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.
CClerk
I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!
[Dan leaves the clerk's building and begins talking through a walkie talkie]
[through a walkie-talkie] The football is in play. The football is in play. Over.
WTWalkie-Talkie
Was that the code?
[through a walkie-talkie] Yes! Over!
WTWalkie-Talkie
I forgot what that one meant.
[through a walkie-talkie] It means I have disabled the guard, and you guys can come out now! Over!
WTWalkie-Talkie
Oh, right. Gotacha!
[through a walkie-talkie] NO! You don't say "gotcha". It's "Roger".
WTWalkie-Talkie
Oh, right. Gotcha!
Oh, I hate that guy.
WTWalkie-Talkie
Hey Roger? The radio's still on.
SASalvation Armed Forces Guy
Heh heh heh. Back for more? [menacingly rings his bell trying to attack him, but Dan presses the open trunk button to release Rottweilers by scaring the Salvation Armed Forces Guy away, screaming, Dan enters to get the toaster back]
S1 E11The Beach
[as he gets caught by a sandstorm] There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious! There's sand everywhere! It's so obnoxious!
LLifeguard
So you have a husband?
Not anymore.
LLifeguard
Let's go on a date.
Snap out of it, Chris!
LLifeguard
Where?
[cuts to Dan who is wearing Elise's hair]
I said, snap out of it, Chris! [slaps Chris as the boat sinks] The boat is sinking! Again! This is why I don't buy anything built by Americans. We have zero standards for safety.
I can't die now. I have to stop Elise from dating that lifeguard.
I don't think I have a choice. But hey, on the bright side, I hear drowning's a very peaceful way to go. Apparently there's a soundtrack. [sees a friendship boat appearing]
Ha! A boat! Over here! Help! [a pirate sticks out two fingers] We're saved!
[pops his head up] Missionaires! I knew it!
S1 E12George Washington
Can we turn the spooky music off?
MZMadame Zelda
No. The spirits like it. Let us all join hands.
When was the last time you washed your hands?
Don't have to. Cat licks them clean.
MZMadame Zelda
Now I will call upon the spirit of George Washington. Are you there, Mr. President? Make a noise if you are with us.
He's here.
She just kicked the table. Ow! Someone just kicked me.
MZMadame Zelda
George Washington will take possession of my body. [starts talking in an American accent] Hello. It is I, George Washington, 1st President of the United States, commander of the Confederate Army.
Continental Army.
MZMadame Zelda
That's what I said.
Is not-- Ow!
Is it really you, Mr. Washington?
MZMadame Zelda
Yes. Now what question can I help you with?
[Dan gets an ax and gets ready to attack Madame Zelda]
Dan, no!
MZMadame Zelda
What are you, a psychopath?
Chris, hold George Washington down while I get the ax free!
There is no way I'm gonna help you murder a psychic, even a fake one! [pulls Dan and the ax off]
MZMadame Zelda
The spell is broken.
Oh, come on!
MZMadame Zelda
You can't hurt a spirit, you fool.
Well, you should have told me that before we started.
MZMadame Zelda
Just give me my $50 and get out.
You don't see dollar 1 until I speak with George Washington.
MZMadame Zelda
Remember, get paid first. Fine. I will summon the great George Washington once more, but you must promise.
Not to kill you. We promise, right, Dan? Dan?
Fine. It wouldn't hurt George Washington anyway, apparently.
But it would land us in prison for the rest of our lives.
MZMadame Zelda
Ahem! What is it that I, the great and powerful George Washington, can help you with?
This is ridiculous. That's not the kind of thing George Washington would say.
So you're the expert? Okay, professor, ask him a question, then.
Fine. What's your middle name, George?
MZMadame Zelda
I didn't have one?
Actually, I think that's right.
You have got to learn to trust the experts. I wanted to tell you that I know it was you who chopped down the tree outside my apartment and smashed my car, and I am going to make you pay!
MZMadame Zelda
Oh, please. I'm the Father of Our Country. You're just an angry little man with a smashed car. Thousands of people still visit my home every week. Does anyone visit your home?
I'm waiting until I clean it before I have company over.
Come on. Let's go.
This isn't over.
[Chris takes Dan out]
MZMadame Zelda
The things I do for 50 bucks. [gasps] Wait! Madame Zelda demands a full payment!
[at the car] That was a waste of time.
Are you kidding me? Were we not in the same seance? He bragged about his house. That's what he's most proud of, Mount Vernon, so that's what we're going to take away from him.
I can't believe that you bought her along! This is terrible!
You have been complaining for the last 6 hours.
Yeah, give it a rest. I'm going with you. I'm in the car and everything.
Can't we drop her off somewhere? She'll find a way home. She always does!
I'm coming along to get revenge on George Washington.
The last thing I need is- Really?
Yes!
Oh thanks. I would also like shotgun.
You can't have it. How are you planning on destroying Mount Vernon anyway?
I have a bunch of explosives in the trunk. That reminds me. Don't get into an accident. And you might want to take speed bumps very slowly.
[whispering] Couldn't we just take him to an abandoned house somewhere and tell him it's Mount Vernon?
Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess what he knows about any given topic. Watch: Dan? Who made Mt. Rushmore?
Gutzon Borglum. Then his son finished it. Why?
And what state is it in?
D- I don't know, Ecuador something?! What's with all the questions?
So there is a savant half.
S1 E13Technology
HHiram
Home, sweet home.
Lovely place you have here.
HHiram
Now, if you boys are thirsty, that kettle's where I sterilize my drinking water.
Actually, I am a bit parched.
HHiram
It's also where I take my baths.
What time is it, by the way?
HHiram
Well, let's see. According to the stars, it's nigh on 8:53.
Where's your television? My stories are about to come on.
HHiram
Television? Oh, not in my house. Tell you what, why don't you entertain yourself with my zoetrope?
[while looking at Hiram's zoetrope] So does this guy ever blow up or something? I mean there's not even a story arc.
HHiram
I got one of a plus-sized woman in a bubble bath. But it's... ahh, it's for my eyes only, if you get me.
[flatly] We get you.
So can we go home now?
Have we derailed Barry Ditmer's plans yet? Have we stopped the momentum of technological progress?
You have to let this go, Dan. Don't you see the parallels between yourself and Hiram?
What are you talking about?
Oh, well, you hate technology. He hates technology. He's incredibly angry. You're incredibly angry.
Who's angry? How dare you! I'll strangle you!
See?
I'll admit there does seem to be a tenuous connection.
If you don't change your ways, you'll end up just like him.
Oh, I think that's a stretch.
You know what? We are going to talk about this. [stops the car]
We should probably get further away from the ax murderer before we stop the car.
We've gone 30 miles. There's no way he could cover that kind of distance on foot. [he and Dan scream as they see an ax on the car]
HHiram
To the ends of the Earth!
Well, I've been wrong before.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dan Vs. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.