I feel like an idiot holding this skewer.
S4 E2Ben's Birthday Party
S4 E3The Blind Date
CHCady Huffman
Larry David? Why don't you close the door?
CHCady Huffman
We have some time before the show. I'd like to give you your 10th anniversary present.
What are you doing?
Who invited you? Get the hell out of here!
Look at you, You are sick.
Where's the other one? I want the other one. Get out!
I'm the only one here, baby, and now for the rest of your life you sick four-eyed pervert fuck! You're gonna be fantasizing about me in this outfit! (laughing)
S4 E4The Weatherman
[at Sol Funkhouser's dentist office, upset as Sol ruined his sleeve]
Oh, great, look he ruined the shirt, look, look at this cuff, and its flopping all over the place, look at that! whats with him?
NNurse
He's not himself right now, his uncle has Hodgkins.
Yeah, but it's the good Hodgkins.
NNurse
I didn't know there was a good Hodgkins.
I'm not saying it's a great Hodgkins, It's a good Hodgkins.
Hey Pop, do me a favor?
NNat
MMM?
Next time you use the bathroom, make sure to keep the seat down.
NNat
What are you pussy-whipped?
It's not really about her, It's about me, I pee sitting down.
Hey Lar, you ever hear of Denta Friend?
Denta Friend? No.
It's a new sonic toothbrush that would really get rid of your plaque.
What are you talking about, get rid of plaque. I don't have any plaque.
My cousin's hygienist told me you have plaque.
Your cousin's hygienist told you I have a lot of plaque?
What's the big deal? Plaque is not a serious disease.
First of all, number one I don't have any plaque...
RMRussian Man (with Wife/Translator)
(laughing)
Number two, she shouldn't be telling you, that's a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.
There is no patient-hygienist confidentiality.
You're so wrong.
It's unethical, not legally like a doctor or a lawyer, but its unethical is what he's saying.
It's totally unethical, and I don't have any plaque by the way, do i have an electric toothbrush?
He has an electric toothbrush.
How often do I floss?
At least twice a day.
LLarry (talking to translator)
Tell him I don't have any plaque, okay, did you tell him that?
You have plaque.
Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?
Let's have a plaque contest.
Anytime you want.
Anytime you want.
Fine, you want to?
Challenge me just like you do in golf.
...And how about that hygienist. It's like if you go to a prostitute, and the prostitute goes around and tells everybody that you got a small penis. Not that I've ever been to a prostitute... not that I have a small penis.
Beautiful day, huh?
WWeatherman
Yeah, great day for golf. Whats up?
You know I was supposed to play today.
WWeatherman
Really?
Then Jeff called me last night and cancelled because of your weather report about thundershowers.
SSol
He made a mistake, so what?
WWeatherman
Oh, I said it was gonna be thundershowers?
Yep.
WWeatherman
Oops. (laughs).
WWeatherman
Good to see you Larry.
SSol
Take care.
Yeah, oops, too bad for me, too bad for me.
WWeatherman
I don't quite get your point.
Alright, weatherman, I'm gonna tell you my point. I've got a sneaking suspicion that you're predicting rain to clear the golf course for yourself.
SWSol/Weatherman
(laughing)
WWeatherman
Oh my god.
SSol
That's ridiculous.
Ridiculous? Ridiculous? It's happened before weatherman you know it. You know what I'm calling the weather people on this.
WWeatherman
Your gonna say report me because its a nice day?
I'm gonna report you because everytime you wanna play golf you make sure its raining.
WWeatherman
Larry, first of all I'm not a weatherman, I'm a meteorologist, I'd appreciate a little bit of respect Larry.
Oh, excuse me doctor.
SSol
Okay, can you guys just calm down? We're in the middle of a game of golf here, alright!
WWeatherman
Larry, theres a low pressure system sitting out over the coast, the jet stream brings that into this area, the jet stream is controlled by the rotation of the Earth, you know who controls that? God!
You know what? There's a jetstream of bullshit coming out of your mouth my friend, you are busted buddy!
Hey.
LLarry (with cane)
Came for my sneaker.
What happened to you?
I fell in the toilet.
How did you fall in the toilet?
I went to go pee and the seat was up.
What does that have to do with you?
I pee sitting down.
You pee sitting down?
Yeah, have you ever tried it?
No!
It's more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don't have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.
What are you reading?
I'm reading a lot of stuff.
What stuff?
If I pee twenty times a day, I can get through a whole New York Times for God sake!
Twenty times?
Hey buddy, when your peeing all over your shoe, I'm learning something.
What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learning something?
Hey
Hey Lar.
Get this, the weatherman is a total fraud, he predicts thundershowers so nobody will show up and he can have the golf course to himself, I just came from there hes playing with your cousin.
Why do you pee sitting down?
Many reasons.
Do you crap standing up?
S4 E5The 5 Wood
[Larry calls his dental hygienist after she left him a message to call her]
Get together? You and me? Really?
DHDalilah the Hygienist
Am I being too forward? Because...[whispering] when you were at the office, you gave me the tongue sign.
Tongue sign? Pshh...I...I was just really trying to get cotton out my mouth. [laughs]
So I don't get it, why me?
DHDalilah the Hygienist
I don't know, you remind me of my college history teacher.
Was he an avuncular, bald Jew?
[After being interrupted]
Hello?
DHDalilah the Hygienist
So...where were we?
[Speaking to Jeff later on]
She calls me just out of the blue. Out of the blue, it's all set up. It's all set up. For next Thursday.
Wow.
Can I do this? Is it wrong?
You’re never gonna get another opportunity like this for the rest of your life, you have to do this. It’s a gift from your wife, she wants you to do it.
It’s my tenth anniversary present.
It’s your tenth anniversary present. You have to do it.
I hope I can do it. She’s fierce.
Ok, at first I thought it was my imagination but you’re talking really gay. [Larry gives him a confused look] No, no, no, really gay.
Get outta here.
“Fierce”? Where does “fierce” come from? And everything is this and that. [making effeminate hand gestures] You know, what do you think?
Steve the choreographer says it all the time.
Steve the choreographer, you’ve been spending a lot of time with him?
I probably picked up some of his mannerisms.
Some!? All! You’re him! You’re him! You’re Steve the gay choreographer. You’ve become Steve the gay choreographer.
[Talking to Jeff at Leo Funkhouser’s funeral after looking in the open casket] My 5-wood’s in there.
What?
Go see for yourself!
[Jeff walk over and looks in the casket. He sees a golf club in the casket then walks back over to Larry]
Oh my god!
What the fuck is my 5-wood doing in the casket?
He probably wanted to be buried with his golf club.
Sven must have put it in there, probably, on purpose.
That’s a horrible thing to do.
That club's irreplaceable, it’s 10 years old, they don’t make it anymore!
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.
[Pauses] You got your clubs in your trunk?
Yeah.
[Larry stares at Jeff for a few seconds before Jeff realizes Larry is suggesting they replace it with Jeff’s 5-wood]
No. No.
Why?
Because I like the way mine feels.
Your club I can get at any other store in the country-
But I like the feel!
Why should this guy be buried in eternity with my club? That’s not fair! I’ll buy you a new club!
The exact same one! And it better have the same feel.
[Larry is heard screaming and is then seen running out of Jeff and Suzie's bathroom in his underwear]
The dog bit my penis!
[Cheryl, Jeff and Suzie are all speechless]
DHDalilah the Hygienist
Hello?
Hey Dalilah, it's Larry David
DHDalilah the Hygienist
[in a soft voice] Hi, Larry...
Hmm, sorry, but...I'm not gonna be able to make it tonight.
DHDalilah the Hygienist
[disappointed] Why not...?
A dog bit my penis.
[Dalilah hangs up on him]
S4 E6The Car Pool Lane
CCCounselor Condon
Could you state your name sir?
Larry David.
CCCounselor Condon
Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon.
Counselor Condon, nice to meet you.
CCCounselor Condon
Have you ever served on a jury before?
No.
CCCounselor Condon
Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime?
My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me, It was upsetting at the time but, umm...
CCCounselor Condon
I don't think that would be considered a serious crime. Is there any reason you can think of that you'd not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner?
I don't know if I could be impartial Mr. Condon, given that the defendant is a negro.
[all look at Larry]
Problem?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.