MMonina
This is not a good compromise.
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied, and I think that's what we have here.
S4 E6The Car Pool Lane
S4 E7The Surrogate
[at a baby shower]
BDBetty Dusenberry
This is from the Davids? Oh, it's a doll!
It's a mulatto! [everyone is silent] No good?
BDBetty Dusenberry
..Bi-racial is what we call it usually.
Bi-racial. Huh, what do you know about that?
[Larry calls Irving to apologize for criticizing his peanut-cashew health mix]
ISIrving Schwimmer's machine
This is Irving Schwimmer. Please leave a message at the tone.
Hi, Mr. Schwimmer, this is Larry David. I just wanna say..
[a car hits Larry's car from behind, he looks back and yells]
You fucking asshole! What's your fucking problem you prick? Jesus!
Let me ask you a question. You've slept with a lot of white men, a lot of black men, I'm sure? Is there any discernable difference?
What?!
Let me rephrase that! Let me rephrase that!
Yeah, rephrase it!
Uhm, is there any discernable difference between a white man and a black man, you know..[points at his crotch and indicates "size" with his hands]
Why would you ask me something like that, Larry?
My friend wants to know. Why? What's the big deal?
I am NOT gonna answer that!
S4 E8Wandering Bear
WBWandering Bear
Hello, Cheryl.
Good morning, Wandering Bear.
WBWandering Bear
How is your vagina?
Look, Wandering Elk or what ever the fuck your name is..
S4 E9The Survivor
SCSurvivor contestant/Colby
So here we are, in a region of Australia where out of the world's ten most deadly snakes, nine of them inhabit this region. It was harrowing. You come across a Taipan on the trail and you get bit: dead. Thirty minutes flat.
HSHolocaust survivor/Solly
Let me tell you, that's a very interesting story. I was in a concentration camp! You never even suffered one minute in your life compared to what I went through!
CColby
Look, I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive. We had very little rations, no snacks-
SSolly
Snacks? What are you talking snacks? We didn't eat, sometimes for a week, for a month!
CColby
I couldn't even work out. They certainly didn't have a gym.
SSolly
What? What are you-
CColby
I mean, I wore my sneakers out and the next thing you know, I've got a pair of flip-flops!
SSolly
Flip-flops?!
CColby
I slept on the ground, on the dirt, ok? 118 degrees during the day, 98 at night with 98% humidity.
SSolly
45 degrees below zero!
CColby
Did you guys have a bathroom?
SSolly
A bathroom?!
CColby
We didn't have one.
SSolly
We had twelve people at a time, would go and shit on each other!
CColby
Well, I'm sure you guys had toilet paper.
SSolly
We had newspaper.
CColby
We had mosquitoes.
SSolly
Mosquitoes. You see this glass eye? Eh? Eh?
CColby
Have you even seen the show?
SSolly
Did you ever see our show? It was called the Holocaust!
S4 E10Opening Night
[as Max Bialystock] Assume away!
[Mel Brooks notices Larry, pretending to have O.C.D., arranging bottles and cups during a meeting]
MBMel Brooks
What the hell are you doing? Looks like you're making a sand castle on the table.
S5 E1The Larry David Sandwich
[after Ted Danson and Larry decide to switch their sandwiches]
TTed
Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?
Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?
TTed
White fish?
White fish and sable. Uhm..
TTed
What is sable?
It's a fish.
It's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.
TTed
You have two fishes in the sandwich?
But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.
TTed
What else is in it? No condiments?
Cream cheese.
There's some cream cheese..it's..
Capers.
[Larry gives Jeff a look]
There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.
Onions.
[Larry gives Jeff another look]
TTed
That sounds awful.
What are you talking about?
TTed
My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".
Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.
TTed
Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..
Capers..and onions.
Hey, shut the fuck up!
S5 E2The Bowtie
You know what's going on.
Huh?
You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!
Wanda...
Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?
No, I didn't train it to hate black people.
Has it barked at any white people?
...No, he's...he's...
So he hasn't barked at any white people.
Exactly. Your dog is racist.
Sheriff's racist?
"Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?
Larry picked him out at the pound.
The pound.
Sheriff, the fuckin' dog that eats black people. What the fuck, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this fucking "hotel" until y'all get rid of that fucking Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!
S5 E3The Christ Nail
[to the handyman]
See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.
S5 E4Kamikaze Bingo
[to Larry everytime he walks in to Hana Sushi]
CChefs
Chicken Teriyaki Boy! Chicken Teriyaki Boy!
S5 E5Lewis Needs a Kidney
NNurse
I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr Lewis for his kidney transplant.
Good night nurse.
NNurse
Good night.
It's just a saying.
NNurse
I've never heard of it.
It's an old one.
NNurse
That's nice.
It is.
NNurse
I know it is.
Do you?
NNurse
Do you?
I do.
NNurse
Good for you.
It is good for me.
NNurse
Oh, you think so?
I know so.
NNurse
I'm glad.
So am I.
NNurse
That makes two of us.
So you say.
NNurse
So I did.
S5 E7The Seder
I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.
You did?
Yeah.
Aww.
I'm sorry.
No, that's okay.
Oh really?
Well, he's alone.
Oh, aren't you a doll.
That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.