TV show quotes
Jeff, let's take a walk.
Eh, I'm comfortable.
Come on, it's gorgeous! Perfect walking weather. It's good for you.
Nah, I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.
Please?
No, I'm fine.
Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!
Denise called.
What'd she say?
Give her a call.
She leave her number?
Nah.
Damn it! I don't have her number or her address.
Call information.
I don't know her last name. She was in my BlackBerry under "Denise handicapped". That's how I remember these names. Don't you do that in your Blackberry? You put names down with jobs, some association, so you remember who they are? I got "Sean yoga", the yoga teacher, and "Teresa masseuse".
I do the same thing. I got "Nancy big tits". I know Nancy got big ass tits. "Janelle sweet ass"..
Fruit's good.
Yeah.
Delicious, isn't it?
How can you talk about the food? I wanna throw up. We should get out of here.
Yes, let's get out of here.
Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
I want to get out of here now.
Let me explain something to you, moron, okay? Swan killers leave. People who aren't swan killers stay, have a little lunch, enjoy themselves, socialize, get to know the members. There's nothing wrong. Get it?
Guess what, I'm not a swan killer, okay?
Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole. You're talking way too loud about swan killing in the dining room. Why is that so hard to understand?
How many rules are you gonna break? You're not suppose to have your phone on, it's always ringing. You killed a swan!
Keep your fucking voice down!
You killed a swan!
[raises butter knife] Shut up! Shut up!
Why did I order turkey? I should've just had the eggs and onions. I know they're good here.
Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food.
Yeah, he's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.
I had the fruit this morning. Why am I going to order it twice for?
You could have fruit twice in one day.
No you can't, you get the acid reflux and it'll rip a hole in your stomach.
They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana!
I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.
You surprised me. I had no idea it would be that revolting.
Did you get a chance to pick up those beans? I'm really low on coffee.
You know, I went, and there was a lot of traffic, and I got stuck in traffic, and by the time I got there - I went all the way over there - the store was closed so I couldn't get them.
So you didn't get the beans?
No. I didn't get the beans.
So you didn't do me the favor?
I attempted to do you the favor. I tried to do you the favor. What are you talking about?
No. An attempt is not a favor.
What? It is a favor. It is a favor. That's as good as a favor. The effort was there.
What did you come back with, though?
The store was closed.
Driving to a coffee place is not a favor.
Where did I bring the jumper cable? Halfway to your office, or to your office?
Mocha Joe has nothing to show for your supposed favor.
I know.
You have jumper cables. What does he got?
Exactly.
He's got a guy who's got a story about traffic.
Thank you, Jerry.
You're welcome, Mocha Joe.
Come on! I did a lot for Mocha Joe.
Mocha Joe doesn't need people driving around for him. He needs coffee.
Whatever happened to E for effort, Jerry? E for effort? You people think about that! E for effort!
F for favor!
C for coffee!
So "Duberstein" - that's a Jewish name, right? - Yes, it is.
I was adopted by some lovely Jews.
- And you were bar mitzvahed? - Oh, yeah yeah.
Three times.
The last time was a few months ago in Atlantic City.
But I thought you only got bar mitzvahed once. You know, when you're 13 years old?
- No no no no, you misunderstood.
- What?
It's once every 13 years, you know.
You got to recharge the mitzvah, so you always keep your mitzvah kind of full, at capacity.
"Capacitme" Mitzvah capacity!!
Okay. I've got some great news. Guess where the Funkman is going for three weeks.
Miami?
London!
London!
Oh!
Ah!
How about that?
On business, how great is that?
Wow, that's fun.
Are you going?
No.
Oh, really?
She doesn't like to travel.
I don't go on business trips with him.
Have you ever been there?
No.
Oh my God, you should go. It's really beautiful this time of year.
Hmm, really?
Yeah! London!
Maybe I should go, Marty.
No, it's cold. Right now it's cold and foggy and dangerous. They have gangs over there and everything else and I'll be doing business.
I never travel with you. I think it's a great idea. I'm going.
Let's talk about--
Thank you. That's decided. I'm in.
Well, look who's here. It's the big funk.
You are a colossal prick. Do you know that?
Boy, I'm really getting it today.
You think it's funny?
What did I do?
Let me tell you something. You ruined my whole vacation. You had to butt in and tell Nan to go on my trip.
I'm sorry.
I could have had three weeks working and being alone.
I was curious as to why she wasn't going. Why don't you just go with her? Why don't you bring her?
I'm bored! Everywhere I go with her we don't look at each other, she talks over me. I want to be alone. I want to get the chance to spread my wings.
Why don't you get a divorce?
I'm too lazy.
L.D. Guess who's getting a divorce.
What?
Martin Norton Funkhouser.
Really?
And it's because of you! That man and I were talking about the London trip...
Yeah?
...I started to realize, "wait a minute. If I did go to Europe without her, I'd come back "and it would be 20 more years of boredom." So I said to Nan, "look, let's get a divorce." She said okay. I'm gonna be single! You and me!
Wow.
Is that great?
My man.
Congratulations. Congratulations.
You know what you do when you get a fucking divorce? Ride around and bump the horn and shit like motherfuckers getting married.
What a great idea.
Goddamn right.
Put cans on your car, beep your horn.
"Just divorced."
"Just divorced."
I'm excited. I'm single.
Get out there, and get some new ass. Know what I'm saying, huh? You done ran the other ass in the ground, right?
Uh, I don't want to talk about my wife like that.
You ran that ass in the ground, and you're moving on, right?
Well, I didn't run any—we had a nice marriage for 20 years.
You ran that other ass in the ground…
I don't run people's ass in the ground.
All men do.
It's not a negative thing to run an ass in the ground. That's all.
If it wasn't for burlesque we wouldn't have Chaplin, or The Marx Brothers…
Oh, Chaplin was a hell of a pole dancer!
[Larry is talking about his attraction to a Palestinian woman at a restaurant] You know what it is? You're always attracted to someone who doesn't want you, right? Well, here you have somebody who not only doesn't want you... doesn't even acknowledge your right to exist, wants your destruction! That's a turn-on.
[Marty is meeting Larry and Jeff at the Palestinian chicken restaurant] Shalom. You know, I thought all last night, 'If Rabin can break bread with Arafat, I can have chicken at this antisemitic shithole.'
Okay. That's just not gonna work.
Yeah, that's no good.
What's not gonna work?
The yarmulke.
Yeah.
I can't go in with wearing this yarmulke?
You're just shoving it in their faces.
Let's go in.
No no no no no no. It's far too cocky a move.
What is this, a raid on Entebbe? Let's just kind of walk in casually.
What? Proud Jews wear yarmulkes.
Yeah. Be proud here in the parking lot. You don't need to be proud in there.
Let's just go in and sit down.
Take it off. Take it off.
I'm not doing anything-
Take it off.
Don't you dare go after my-
Huh? Come on, take it-
Don't you reach for that. Don't you ever touch that. No, don't ever grab my yarmulke. Give it to me. Don't ever grab my yarmulke, ever. How dare you?! Don't ever touch my yarmulke. Do you understand?
What the hell was that? We're gonna go eat without you.
Good. Who needs you? Get-- get out of here!
[Meeting Shara for the first time] Oh please. Thank you. Thank you. Oh. Well, hello.
You're a Jew, yes?
Yes, I am a Jew. A big Jew. Big.
A big Jew and you still told him to take off his Jew cap?
Yes, I did.
Thank you, my friend. What's your name?
Labe.
Labe?
Son of Nat.
Son of Nat?
My friends call me Larry.
I like you.
What's not to like?
Uh you're a Jew.
Eh.
My name is Shara.
Shara.
Call me.
Let's get some chicken.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
