TV show quotes
[Dirty talk while having sex with Larry David] Fuck me you fucking Jew! You Zionist pig. You occupying fuck. Occupy this. I'm going to going to fuck the Jew out of you. You want to fuck me like Israel fucks my country? Fuck me you Jew bastard! Fuck me like Israel fucks my people! Show me the promised land. You circumcised fuck!
[expressing astonishment after meeting Larry David and Shara just after they had very loud sex] Fuck me Jew bastard?
Yeah. Small price to pay for the best sex that I ever had, anywhere! This woman is amazing.
So when did you orgasm. When she said she'll fuck the Jew out of you?
Hey, I'm Dino from Big Dog productions. I'm moving in next door. You can call me Dog. Everybody calls me Dog.
Dog!
Yeah, that's it.
I like it.
Um, anyway, I'm doing the shark show. You've heard of the shark show, right, "Great White Wonderland"?
I've seen some ads on buses, yeah.
Yeah, that's the show. Anyway, we're going to be seeing each other around campus, so I just thought I'd drift on in and say hey.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too. Oh, we're probably gonna be sharing the kitchen? Do you mind if I take a cabinet?
Yeah, sure.
I really really appreciate it.
No problem.
So we're cool with that?
Yeah.
See you, man.
Thanks, Dog.
I can't believe you just gave away a cabinet. You never give up a cabinet. Never give up a cabinet.
I guess I was stupid.
You don't give away a cabinet.
Eh, I think it'll be fine.
No, it's not gonna be fine.
Aw, don't worry about it.
Let's go, come on.
Hey, Larry. How's it going?
You know what? It's not going so great.
Why's that?
Why's that? Look at this! What'd you do? You stuffed me into one cabinet!
Looks like it all fit in there.
I gave you a cabinet. You took two? That's not fair. We have the same number of people.
Well, right now I have two people, yeah, but I told you I'm doing the shark show. They're gonna be back.
When? When are they coming back?
I don't know, Larry. When they're done shooting the sharks, they will come back.
You want to be fair about this thing? I'll take this cabinet, you take that cabinet and we'll split this one.
No. This stays exactly the way it is. Okay? Peace, brother. Peace.
Hey, thanks for calling. That's so sweet of you.
So Big Dog productions rented the office next door and they're sharing the kitchen with us. And I had to give up a cabinet.
Larry, no! You never give up a cabinet.
Never ever give up a cabinet.
He actually took two. This is why you need to be here. Can't you come in for a day? You know, straighten up a little bit. Maybe you can get one back.
All right, fine.
Oh, terrific.
Happy?
Oh!
How about that?
Fabulous. This is what a desk should look like.
Yeah, how did it get that way, by the way?
You know, it just builds up. This is great.
Thank you.
All right.
Ooh, and I got you treats. There it is.
You see? It's one day. You came in for one day, tomorrow you'll go back to the hospital.
And I am gonna get that cabinet back for us.
You get that cabinet back, there'll be a little something in it for you.
Okay, I'm gonna just unpack that stuff.
Good to have you back.
Absolutely.
This is nice.
Thank you.
I hope you're planning on putting that stuff away somewhere.
Yeah, I am putting it away. Right here. I have no space in here, so where do you suggest I put it?
We've got some ground rules we've gotta make here, right? This space has to remain clean! There can be no bullshit on this counter, do you understand?
By the way, you're the one who took my stuff out of these two cabinets and put it into this one.
You're telling me it's unfair the amount of cabinet space that I've taken?
Yes yes.
There are two things about Dog that everybody knows, okay? I am clean and I am fair.
Oh really?
Okay? These cabinets are mine-- Look! "For Big Dog only. For Big Dog only."
Big shit! You put the labels on, so what? You can rip the labels off.
Don't touch the fucking labels! Look, Big Dog does not give up cabinets.
Well, guess what, Big Dog.
What?
This food is staying here because I have no place to put it!
This isn't even food. What the fuck is this? It's rabbit food.
Oh, is that right? You got pudding in here, okay? You got fucking pudding. Gimme a break. Chocolate pretzels? Get the hell out of here! What do you got in here? Oh, cheese dips-- Come on.
This weighs almost five lbs. You eat this? You put this in your body?
Yeah, it's good bread. It has no yeast in it.
It's not bread.
That's bread, that's bread. By the way, I saw the show? It stinks. The sharks are swimming around. Nobody's even-- The sharks aren't eating anybody. Nothing's going on, just sharks swimming around.
Are you getting negative about my show?
Yeah, your show stinks. And you know what? I'm not calling you Dog anymore. The Dog days are over. From now on, you're Dino!
Jesus Christ, calm down.
Fuck you, Dog!
You said "fuck you, Dog" to me? Take your fucking rabbit food and your goddamn five-lb bread and stick it up your fucking ass!
How long do you think the... Grieving process might take for her?
It's going to take probably several weeks for my daughter to get back to work. Mmmm, I don't know, maybe-- Maybe I could fill in for her.
Really?
I was an executive secretary for 30 years.
Wow, this is a very exciting and interesting idea.
I really need something to do right now to take my mind off of my grief. And I would be holding the job for my daughter.
You're shitting me?
Not shitting.
No shit?
No shit.
Let's do it.
All right. Uh, Monday morning.
Deal.
Deal.
Don't wear that hat.
Excuse me, Larry. Here's your tea.
Oh wow, look at that.
There you are.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
By the way, I gotta tell you, you're doing a fantastic job.
Thank you, Larry.
I'm very very pleased. I like this new system you installed here. You put my change in here. The vaccum-sealed nuts-- I mean, come on.
And I am going to get that cabinet back.
I bet you will.
Hey, Dog! That's my kitchen too! I've got a cabinet in there!
I am the world's fastest prep as a director. You know that?
I know that.
I once did a Silver Spoons on 48 hours.
Seriously, how much would it take for you to see Eat, Pray, Love?
$3,000.
So, how's your marriage?
What the hell? Why would you ask me that?
I'm trying to elevate small talk to medium talk.
You god damn right I'm livin large! I just had a croissant filled with mutha fuckin' champagne!
You know how lesbians are. You know what a lesbian brings on a second date, right? A U-Haul.
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