Grape works as a soda. Sort of as a gum. I wonder why it doesn’t work as a pie. Grape pie? There’s no grape pie.
“The Baptism” · Season 2, Episode 9
In this episode: Larry David (3), Richard Lewis (1)
Seven years ago, I was in Paris and I remember it exac -
Forget Paris!
All right, you stole my outgoing message on my answering machine.
What are you crazy? What are you nuts?
Listen, I know you're ethicial. I'm ethical. You know when people steal jokes you fuckin' hate that? I hate it when people fuckin' steal my outgoing message. I came up with that message.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
You have the same answering machine outgoing message!
That's my message!
I wrote it in Paris!
You wrote it in Paris?! I had that message seven years ago!
Bullshit! You know what? I wrote it seven and a half years ago!
Listen, whose memory are you going to trust? An ex-alcoholic? Or a person who was lucid 24 hours a day his whole life? (Laughing)
Do me a favor. Just please change it because it's really bothering me.
(Still laughing) What? I'm not.
Listen, people call me and they call you and they go "Oh well Larry David has the same thing." It's not fuckin' Larry David's, it's mine! I mean I don't have a wife, my parents are dead. You have a family!
Oh, oh. He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
That's right! I hold on to these things.
(fakes crying) He doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead. Oh.
Do me a favor and change it.
(Continues fake-crying) Yeah I'll change it because you don't have a wife and your parents, your parents they're dead! They would have been 95 but they're dead!
Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico, anyway?
MIMan in Airport
What's the name on here? Is it yours? No, it's mine, Chris Darga. See, now if this were yours it would say "Fucking Douchebag"!
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