Troy quotes from Community

Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near him.

Kevin doesn't know about labor laws, or forty hour work weeks, or that that guy named him after his dog.

Jeff

You know what makes humans different from other animals?

Feet!

Pierce

No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Abed

You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Micheal Douglas in any of his films.

Jeff

Yeah, well you have Asperger's.

(laughing) Ass burgers!

Jeff

You know what makes humans different from other animals?

Feet!

No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Jeff

We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this! [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.

Pierce

Big mistake.

Got a point.

Jeff

People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.

Pierce

The Dalai Lama and I-

Jeff

We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect - not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.

Pierce

Soup?

Abed

I'm interested in making movies, but my dad says all media is Western propaganda that negatively stereotypes Arabs.

He should see Aladdin. Jafar was a badass!

Jeff

Hey, Troy sneezes like a girl!

And how bout I pound you like a boy! That didn't come out right.

[about Annie's Psych experiment] Do they do stuff to your butt?

Annie

No!

Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?

Annie

No.

It's fine, I'll do it.

Jeff

I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!

That's racist.

Jeff

Your soul.

That's racist.

Jeff

Your eyes?

That's gay?

Jeff

That's homophobic.

That's black.

Jeff

That's racist.

Damn.

Hip, hop, body don't stop. Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in the box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip-flop.

Annie

Troy, why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?

Bing, bong, sing along. Your team's Al Gore 'cause your views are wrong.

Jeff

You ever miss being a quarterback, Troy?

I miss being the best at something. I miss having a coach. I miss knowing what to think.

Jeff

You still know what to think, Troy.

Oh, good.

Jeff

For instance, after the Dean talked to you about football, you and I were thinking the same thing.

That dude looks like Moby?

Jeff

We were thinking, "What if Troy did play for Greendale?" You'd be surprised at how many of your favorite football players got started at community college.

Really? Name one.

Jeff

Who's your favorite player?

Me. Whoa!

Jeff

Let me tell you a little secret about me, Troy. Every day on my way to school, I drive through downtown, past the courthouse, just to get a glimpse of the world I once ruled, and I just want to jump out of my car, run up the steps, and exploit the legal system for profit, but I can't. I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what I'm saying?

[nodding] You're saying I could be a lawyer.

How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?

Jeff

Because you're a football player, and your name begins with 'T'.

Abed

[over PA system] A few quick announcements. Announcement number one: All announcements will be cool starting right now.

Announcement number two: Butt soup!

Abed

Announcement number three: I am not Hadji from Johnny Quest.

On security news: You guys gotta start locking the Dean's door so guys like us don't get in.

That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed

What is?

If I ever, like, woke up as a donut...

Abed

You would eat yourself?

I wouldn't even question it.