Jeff, Troy Barnes and others in “Pilot”

Jeff

You know what makes humans different from other animals?

Feet!

No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Jeff

We're the only species on Earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you its name is Steve, and go like this! [snaps pencil in two to the discomfort of the others] And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting.

Pierce

Big mistake.

Got a point.

Jeff

People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass. What I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce. We need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer.

Pierce

The Dalai Lama and I-

Jeff

We should listen to him sometime. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley. Shirley has earned our respect - not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. And don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. Do you think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup because you know what? Soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself.

Pierce

Soup?