Jeff quotes from Community

Jeff

Look, we've known each other for almost two years now.

Jeff

I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.

Jeff

Not liking Glee club doesn't make us bullies. And implying that is reverse bullying.

Jeff

[voice-over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

Jeff

The dead can't have business. They can't want, or think, or do. It's the living that choose to be haunted.

Jeff

I'm gonna go get a sandwich, which, unlike "changnesia," is real.

Jeff

This inspection is going to be the most boring thing to happen here since Britta dated Troy.

Britta

Wait, so... so, this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?

Jeff

Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?

I'm a professor. You can't talk to me that way!

Jeff

A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!

Yes, because that would be adorable!

Jeff

No, because you're a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order!

Jeff

Abed, what's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class? I can't find a road in there.

Abed

Well, I only talked to her once when she was borrowing a pencil, but... her name is Britta, she's twenty-eight, birthday in October, she has two older brothers, and one of them works with children who have a disorder I might want to look up. Oh, and she thinks she's going to flunk tomorrow's test, so she really needs to focus, and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold.

Jeff

Holy crap. Abed, I see your value now.

Abed

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Jeff

Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.

I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia?

Jeff

And now I have to get one from America.

Jeff

It shouldn't be too hard to fake a study group, right?

Huh?

Jeff

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry. I was raised on TV, and I was conditioned to believe that every black woman over fifty is a cosmic mentor.

Were you conditioned to pay for your damn tacos, Seinfield?

Britta

You may have noticed this morning, not so good at the small talk.

Jeff

Yeah, I like big talk. What's your deal?

Britta

That's not small talk?

Jeff

What's your deal, and is God dead?

Jeff

You know what makes humans different from other animals?

Feet!

Pierce

No, no, no, come on. Bears have feet.

Abed

You know, I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Micheal Douglas in any of his films.

Jeff

Yeah, well you have Asperger's.

(laughing) Ass burgers!