[Carla starts out the door with Vinnie]
So, um, you like kids, huh?
VVinnie
Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.
[Carla shuts the door on Vinnie]
SDSam, Diane, others
Carla!
It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]
Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?
VVinnie
Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.
You're weird... I like that.
[Carla's cousin, Santo Carbone, the detective has been meeting with Norm and Phyllis]
SSanto
Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.
Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.
SSanto
You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
And that's just when you see the bill.
SSanto
My cousin – she's a pistol.
[Cliff is showing off his new sunglasses]
Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.
You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.
How would you know? They only work on women.
They seem to have given you courage.
Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?
Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.
Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.
[Cliff's dad, on the run from the law, leaves secretly]
What do you supposed happened to him?
It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)
But, you're ruling out the other possibility.
Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.
It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.
Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.
Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.
[Diane has decided to use Sam's sex life as the subject for her psychology paper]
At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?
Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?
You're not gonna use my name?
So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?
Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.
Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?
This is my paper and I like Trevor.
Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?
Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?
I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?
Well, that would be the crossing guard.
[Diane's class is visiting the bar to meet "Trevor"]
Let's open up this discussion a little bit. What's your name, son?
Barry. Alright, Barry, why don't you tell me, uh, what you do when you meet, uh, a girl for the first time.
BBarry
Well, I, I talk to her... and I let her know that I respect her as a human being. I ask her out without putting any pressure on her and then I let the relationship grow naturally.
[laughs] Well, we all have some pretty crazy ideas when we're young. Okay, uh, can anyone tell me where Barry went off the beam?
[Sam agrees to place Woody's bet with a bookie; Woody starts to untie his shoe]
Come on, man. Don't tell me you keep your money in your shoe.
Boy, you guys really do think I just fell off the turnip truck. [he pulls a white cloth out of his shoe] This is where I keep the map of where the money's buried in my back yard.
[Sam wants to tell Diane that he didn't place Woody's bet]
I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.
What's her name and how many months?
[Diane enters]
[Everyone mumbles halfhearted greetings]
Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?
She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.
[Diane reenters]
[Sam comes out of his office; Diane notices a strong smell]
Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?
No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.
[The gang discusses the stranger in the bar]]
Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?
I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?
Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?
That would be four, then.
