I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.
Gee and you're such a whiz with people.
S3 E25Rescue Me
Well do you think I should go through with this?
I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.
I'm goin'.
That's what I'd do.
S4 E1Birth, Death, Love and Rice
Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
Hi ma'am.
Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
I believe it's a term of respect.
No wonder it sounded so weird.
What do you say, Norm?
Any cheap tawdry thing that will get me a beer.
S4 E2Woody Goes Belly Up
Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.
It's not exactly AT&T, is it?
I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.
For you, that's three flights up.
Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.
[Woody is shy when a woman tries to pick him up]
Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.
Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.
You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?
S4 E3Someday My Prince Will Come
Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.
And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.
For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.
Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.
What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.
Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?
Yes.
Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.
Not entirely.
Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?
[smiling] No Sam, I can't.
S4 E4The Groom Wore Clearasil
AAnthony
Forget him, my father's a bum.
Hey don't you talk about your father that way.
AAnthony
Okay he's a sleazy bum.
That's better.
Listen Anthony, I know you like Annie a lot.
AAnthony
No, no, I love her.
Anthony, there's only two times a man uses that word; tennis and when he's already paid for the room, you know what I mean.
S4 E5Diane's Nightmare
Diane, I heard screams.
Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.
Was I the one who was murdering you?
No.
Was I helping in any way?
[after Andy leaves the bar, Diane follows Sam into the office]
Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.
Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."
Thank you, Sam. What did you say?
I think you heard me.
Yes, but YOU said it.
[puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?
S4 E6I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.
How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.
Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.
Eight, I was premature.
Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.
S4 E72 Good 2 Be 4 Real
Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.
What?
[withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.
Let me see. Come on.
What's the magic word?
Gelding!
That's the one. [gives her the letter]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cheers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.