Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy

Then I was like... No, it wasn't like, I was in an institution. There were, um, doctors, and nurses and other patients, they told me that I was sick... I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and all of this, none of it was real.

Xander

Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What, you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires, and demons, and ex-vengeance demons, and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy?

Spike

Oh, balls! You didn't say he was a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik!

Xander

'Cause I can't say Glarba...

I wish you had tentacles where your beady eyes should be! I wish your intestines were tied in knots and ripped apart inside your lousy gut!

Xander

They are.

Really? [brightening] Right now? Does it hurt?

Xander

God, yes. It hurts so bad it's killing me. Anya, I love you. I want to make this work.

Those are... metaphor intestines! You're not in any real pain!

Buffy

Xander, what I do with my personal life is none of your business.

Xander

[softly] It used to be.

Buffy

It just happened, okay?

Xander

Oh, like, uh, "Say, you're evil. Get on me"?

Buffy

You fought side by side with him when I was gone. You let him take care of Dawn.

Xander

But I never forgot what he really is. God, what were you thinking?

Jonathan

We're risking everything so that Charles Atlas can get a date? He's going to end up getting us thrown into jail. Or worse. Maybe you and I should think about--

Andrew

Warren's the boss. He's Picard, you're Deanna Troi. Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.

Don't worry babies, daddy gonna give you some too.

Xander

See, now I think it's the daddy thing that's throwing her, 'cause incest, not that sexy.

Xander

Anya was saying she knows where Willow is.

Buffy

A spell?

Xander

Not exactly. Seems Anya got her vengeance on again.

I'm talking. The pain will be unbearable, but you won't be able to move... A bullet usually travels faster than this, of course. But the dying? It seems like it takes forever. Something, isn't it? One tiny piece of metal destroys everything. It ripped her insides out... It took her light away. From me. From the world... And now the one person who should be here is gone - and a waste like you gets to live. A tiny piece of metal. Can you feel it now?

I said - can you feel it? [Willow unravels the stitches.]

Please, God... I did wrong, I see that now. I need... jail! I need... But you - you don't want this. You're not a bad person. Not like me-

Buffy

[calling out in the distance] Willow!

When you get caught - you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know you're in pain but-

[Willow magically flays Warren, just as Buffy and Xander reach her.] Bored now.

Xander

Oh my God.

Buffy

What did you do? Willow, what did you do?

[setting Warren's body aflame] One down. [then vanishing]

Andrew

Think your little witch buddy's gonna stop with us? You saw her! She's a truck-driving magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa burgers! And not one of you bunch has the midi-clorians to stop her!

Xander

[after a brief silence] You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?

The annoying virgin has a point.

Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me ya love me?

Xander

Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, eh, it seemed kinda cartoony.

Xander

First day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon, and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion. But the thing is? Yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love ... scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. If you wanna kill the world? Well, then start with me. I've earned that.

You think I won't?

Xander

It doesn't matter. I'll still love you.

Shut up!

Xander

How do you make cereal?

Buffy

I put the box next to the milk. I saw it on the food channel.

Xander

So, how are you doing?

Buffy

My sister's about to go to the same school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what may come out of there. So peachy with a side of keen, that would be me.

Buffy

I doubt we'll even see each other. Assuming I even half understand my fuzzy job description.

Dawn

It's not fuzzy. You're what, dealing with troubled kids?

Xander

At a spanking new Hellmouth High. Please, outside of drugs, violence, and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of Armageddon that comes pouring out of its schools foundation every now and then, what trouble could these kids have?

Xander

Sunnydale. Come for the food, stay for the dismemberment.

There's good food?

I had a quota, the guy had it coming. What's the big?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Buffy

Anya, that thing you created burst through solid pavement and ate her dog.

[anguished] Oooh, puppy!

Xander

Wait -- that gets your sad noise? People's lives are in danger, and you give it up for the Yorkie?

Dawn

Well, if she's doing that--ducking Giles--then, she's evil, right?

Xander

Well, I've avoided Giles tons of times. Just meant I was lazy, not evil.

Buffy

I hope you're right, because defeating Lazy Willow -- probably less hard.

Spike

Red's a bad girl.

Buffy

He's talking about Willow.

Xander

And that means something 'cause he's chock full of sanity.