Xander Harris quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Spike

William's a good boy. Carries her water, carries her sin. Supposed to get easier, isn't it. Supposed to help to help, but it doesn't. Still so heavy.

Xander

We should've put a leash on him.

Buffy

Yes, let's tie ourselves to the crazy vampire.

Xander

Figuring out how to control your magic seems a lot like hammering a nail. At the end of the hammer, you have the power, but no control. It takes, like, two strokes to hit the nail in, or you could hit your thumb.

Willow

Ouch.

Xander

So you choke up. Control, but no power. It could take like ten strokes to knock the nail in. Power, control. It's a trade off.

Willow

That's actually not a bad analogy. Except, I'm less worried about hitting my thumb, and more worried about going all black-eyed baddy and bewitching that hammer into cracking my friends' skulls open like coconuts.

Xander

Right. Ouch.

Willow

Have you Googled her yet?

Xander

Willow! She's 17!

Willow

It's a search engine.

Buffy

Buffy the Vampire Slayer would break down this door.

Xander

And Buffy the counselor?

Buffy

Waits.

Buffy

Okay. As okay as-- She told me their family had a history of heart irregularities. But she never told Cassie.

Willow

Cassie didn't know? Then it was fate?

Xander

Then she was going to die no matter what, wasn't she? It didn't matter what you did.

Buffy

She just knew. She was special. I failed her.

Dawn

Uh-uh. No. You didn't 'cause you tried. You listened and you tried. She died 'cause of her heart, not 'cause of you. She was my friend 'cause of you. I guess sometimes you can't help. [sniffles]

Buffy

So what then? What do you do when you know that? When you know that maybe you can't help?

Xander

You think we haven't seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt -

Buffy

I killed Angel!! Do you even remember that?! I would have given up everything I had to be with... I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life! And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.

Willow

And that all worked out OK.

Buffy

Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you! Do you remember giving me Willow's message? "Kick his ass."

Xander

This is different.

Buffy

It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me! You get down on me for cutting myself off but in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook, no all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.

Xander

There has to be another way.

Buffy

Then please find it.

Willow

I can't. I'm sorry. [Buffy grabs a sword and heads outside]

Xander

You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.

She's coming to try.

I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to but you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.

Buffy

Have you talked to her lately?

Xander

Not since that night with the Gnarl demon. And that wasn't exactly the kind of "How have you been?" kind of talking. More the "pierce its eye with something sharp" kind of talking. I'm thinking I should call her.

Buffy

I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

Xander

"Hopes?" [scoffs] Oh, no, no, no, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who's giddy at the thought, of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.

Buffy

Strong, successful males say "giddy"?

Xander

I just worry about her, that's all.

Willow

Anya?

Xander

Yeah. She seems so sad.

Dawn

She should try acting like everybody else more.

Willow

Apparently, it's what all the kids are doin' nowadays.

Buffy

Well, I'm not sure I get the sad vibe, but there's definitely a vengeance vibe worth worrying about.

Xander

Oh, that? No, no. I don't worry about that. She was hurt, and she just turned back to what she knew, when I, you know. But that's not her anymore.

Buffy

I hope you're right.

Xander

Well, she turned that worm guy back before any real damage happened, right? It'll just take some time. I really think she's coming around.

Hey guy, it's called knocking.

Xander

I'm sorry, it's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. And also, it's a classroom, you chowderhead! [to Buffy] Now get off the boy, Buffy, we're going home.

Buffy

Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on a little bit?

Xander

I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Xander

There was this one guy, he hurt her real bad. So she paid him back. She killed him, but she did it real slow. See, first she stopped his heart, and then she replaced it with darkness, and then she made him live his life like that. But he still had to go do his job, see his friends, wake up in the morning and go to bed at night, but he had to do it all... empty. Without anything to look forward to... ever.

Andrew

Sounds bad.

Xander

Well, then she tore out his intestines and rubbed it in his face and took pictures of it.

Andrew

Oh, God.

Xander

But she's downstairs now. Don't worry about her.

Andrew

Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297–299.

Xander

"Catacombs". Yeah, with the skeletons.

That was cool.

Xander

[embarrassed] Move it! This way!

Xander

Hey, junior Slayers, don't look so worried. I mean, sure, we don't know where Spike is or how to fight the First, or if and when the super-styled vampire is gonna attack us all. However, house -- boarded up. Now all we gotta do is trap this Übervamp in the pantry, and it's game over.

Willow

Xander, newbies. Let's ease them into the whole "jokes in the face of death" thing.

Xander

Who's joking? That pantry thing could work. You saying M. Night Shyamalan lied to us?

Giles

We're back at square one.

Xander

Which square would that be, exactly?

Giles

I'm not sure. The First predates everything we've ever known. Or can know. It's everywhere, it's pure. I don't know if we can fight it.

Buffy

You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. [We] can't run, can't hide... can't pretend it's not the end 'cause it is. Something has always... been there to try and destroy the world. We've... beaten them back, but we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.

Giles

Buffy, I, um... I-I know you're... you're tired...

Buffy

I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. [near sobbing] I'm standing on the mouth of Hell and it is going to swallow me whole. [hardens] And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Well, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts, one by one, until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil. And that's us. Any questions?

Xander

Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual 90 minutes.

Andrew

I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you... I'm bored. Episode I bored.

Rona

Um... why is that guy tied to a chair?

Xander

The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"