Buffy Summers quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy

Vampires are creeps.

Giles

Yes, that's why one slays them.

Buffy

I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am--

Giles

Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.

Buffy

So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.

Angel

So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?

Buffy

I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.

Angel

No, but maybe your mom does.

Buffy

Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.

Angel

Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.

Buffy

Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?

Angel

Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?

Buffy

My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?

Angel

Kiss me.

Buffy

Finally, something I wanna do!

Buffy

[about Ted] So far, all I see is someone who supposedly has a good job, and is nice and polite, and my mother really likes him.

Xander

What kind of a monster is he?

Buffy

Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!

Willow

I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia

Like how to build your own serial killer?

Xander

Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Xander

So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying, and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker o' love until she dies, and then he keeps bringing her back over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.

Willow

The sad part is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate--

Buffy

Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.

Willow

Not any, big ones.

Buffy

Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good.

Willow

I just wanna learn stuff.

Cordelia

Like how to build your own serial killer?

Xander

Well, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.

Cordelia

Can't we just drop the subject?

Buffy

Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off. Okay. That's it. I give up. Do I have to sound an air horn everytime I walk into a room? I mean, what is it with grown-ups these days?

Joyce

It's an outfit. An outfit that you may never buy.

Buffy

But I looked good in it.

Joyce

You looked like a streetwalker.

Buffy

But a thin streetwalker. (pauses) That's probably not gonna be the winning argument, is it?

Joyce

You're just too young to wear that.

Buffy

Yeah, and I'm gonna be too young to wear it until I'm too old to wear it.

Joyce

That's the idea.

Buffy

Did Mr. Whitmore notice I was tardy?

Xander

I think the word you're searching for is absent.

Willow

Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]

Buffy

As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.

Willow

No, it's your baby!

Buffy

Okay, I get it even less.

Xander

You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.

Willow

My egg is Jewish.

Xander

Then teach it that dreidel song.

Willow

Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.

Giles

Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.

Xander

Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.

Buffy

Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up! [cut to Buffy and Angel on patrol making out]

Angel

So you don't think about the future?

Buffy

No.

Angel

Never?

Buffy

No.

Angel

You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?

Buffy

Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.

Angel

I know the feeling.

Angel

Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?

Buffy

I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.

Angel

You see my point?

Willow

Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.

Buffy

You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.

Buffy

You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.

Willow

Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?

[about last night, when they had sex] What? I took off.

Buffy

But you didn't say anything. You just left.

Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.

Buffy

What?

You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.

Buffy

What are you saying?

Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.

Buffy

I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?

You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.

Giles

It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.

Buffy

You must be so disappointed in me.

Giles

No. No no, I'm not.

Buffy

This is all my fault.

Giles

I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.

Willow

We have a lot of fun, but I want smoochies!

Buffy

Have you dropped any hints?

Willow

I've dropped anvils.

Buffy

Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?

Willow

At last count? All of them, maybe more.

Buffy

Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.

Willow

But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!

Buffy

But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.

Willow

Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.

Buffy

Meow!

Willow

Thanks, I haven't gotten a "Meow" before.