Buffy Summers quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Giles

Well, you know what they say; ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.

Buffy

You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?

Buffy

What is it with those guys?

Willow

They're obnoxious. Professionally.

Xander

Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.

Giles

Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?

Buffy

Uh-huh.

Giles

And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?

Buffy

Yes.

Giles

And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.

Buffy

It's bad, isn't it?

Giles

It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.

Buffy

Wow. Apparently, Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats.

Willow

Hyenas aren't well liked.

Buffy

They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom.

Willow

Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy, or... or some ducks?

Willow

I heard the vice principal's taking over until they can find a replacement.

Buffy

Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.

Xander

Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?

Buffy

Right.

Willow

You only ate the pig.

Xander

I ate a pig? It was he cooked and called bacon or... oh, my God, I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck.

Buffy

Well, it wasn't really you.

Xander

Well, I remember going on the field trip, and then going down to the hyena house. And next thing, some guy's holding Willow, and he's got a knife.

Willow

You saved my life.

Xander

Hey, nobody messes with my Willow.

Buffy

This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.

Xander

I didn't do anything else, did I? Around you guys? Anything embarrassing?

Buffy

Nah.

Willow

Not at all.

Buffy

Come on, we're gonna be late.

Willow

See you at lunch.

Xander

Cool. Oh, hey? Going vegetarian, huh?

Giles

I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about... memory loss afterwards.

Xander

(chuckles) Did you tell them that?

Giles

Your secret dies with me.

Xander

Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.

Angel

The elders conjured the most perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.

Buffy

What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?

Angel

When you become a vampire, the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul; that's gone. No conscience, no remorse, it's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done...and care. I haven't fed on a human being since that day.

Buffy

I invited you into my home and then you attacked my family.

Angel

Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friends' children... For hundreds of years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.

Darla

Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?

Buffy

Bad hair on top of that outfit?

Darla

To love someone who used to love you.

Buffy

You guys were involved?

Darla

For several generations.

Buffy

Well, you've been around since Columbus. You are bound to pile up a few exes. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.

Darla

[about Angel] I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there, Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for 1,000 years. But you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick, and you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die. You don't think I came alone, do you?

Buffy

I know I didn't.

Darla

[chuckles] Scary. Scarier. Oh, don't worry. Bullets can't kill vampires. They can hurt them like hell, but...

Xander

Did you just hear...

Darla

So many body parts, so few bullets. [chuckles] Let's begin with the kneecaps. No fun dancing without them. [groans] Close, but no heart. [groans]

Xander

We need to distract her... fast.

Willow

Buffy, it wasn't Angel who attacked your mom, it was Darla!

Darla

Come on, Buffy. Take it like a man. [Angel stabs and kills Darla] Angel?

Xander

Ah, the post-fumigation party.

Buffy

Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?

Xander

Much hardier cockroaches.

Willow

So, no word from Angel?

Buffy

Nah. It's weird, though. In his way, I feel like he's still watching me.

Willow

Well, in a way he sort of is. In the way of that he's right over there.

Xander

I don't need to watch, because I'm not threatened. I'm just going to look this way.

Angel

I just wanted to see if you were okay... your mother.

Buffy

We're both good. You?

Angel

[chuckles] If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed, I'll be alright. Look, this can't...

Buffy

Ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're, like, 224 years older than I am.

Angel

I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.

Buffy

I know. Me, too. One of us has to go here.

Angel

I know.

Xander

What's going on?

Willow

Nothing.

Xander

Well, as long as they're not kissing. [chuckles]

Buffy

You okay?

Angel

It's just...

Buffy

Painful. I know. See you around?

Jenny

You kids really dig the library, don't you?

Buffy

We're literary.

Xander

To read makes our speaking English good.

Xander

Are we over-reacting? He's in a computer, what can he do?

Buffy

You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?

Giles

Randomize traffic signals.

Buffy

Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.

Giles

Destroy the world's economy.

Buffy

I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.

Giles

Right, yours was best.

Buffy

Oh, great. A book.

Giles

Oh, I, uh, I haven't gone through the new arrivals. Uh, put it in-in that pile.

Here, I'll get it.

Buffy

Oh. Thanks, Dave. Willow pile.

Giles

Uh, uh, when I've examined it, you can, uh, uh, skim it.

Jenny

Scan it. Rupert, that's "scan it."

Giles

Of course.

Jenny

Oh, I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century, with three whole years to spare.

Giles

Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box.

Jenny

That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This is the good box.

Giles

Well, I still prefer a good book.

The printed page is obsolete. Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive.

Jenny

Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people. Fritz-Fritz comes on a little strong, but he does have a point. You know, for the last two years, more e-mail was sent than regular mail.

Giles

Hmm.

Jenny

More digitized information went across phone lines than conversations.

Giles

Yeah, well, that is a fact that I regard with genuine horror.

Jenny

I'll bet it is. All right, guys, let's wrap it up for today.

Willow

I've just got a few more. I'll hang for a bit.

Jenny

Cool. Thanks.

Willow

Xander, you want to stay and help me?

Xander

[chuckles] Are you kidding?

Willow

Yes. It was a joke I made up.

Xander

[chuckles] Willow, I love you, but bye.

Willow

See you tomorrow.

Xander

Buffy, wait up.

Giles

I-I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll, uh, I'll be back in the Middle Ages.

Jenny

Did you ever leave?

Xander

We going to go to the Bronze tonight, we three?

Buffy

It'll be fun.

Xander

Yeah. Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile?

Willow

Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I'm just thinking about...

Buffy

Malcolm?

Willow

Malcolm, Moloch, whatever he's called. The one boy that's really liked me, and he's a demon robot. What does that say about me?

Buffy

It doesn't say anything about you.

Willow

I mean, I thought I was really falling...

Buffy

Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.

Xander

Right. And the teacher I had a crush on: giant praying mantis.

Willow

That's true.

Xander

Yeah, it's life on the Hellmouth.

Buffy

Let's face it. None of us are ever going to have a happy, normal relationship.

Xander

We're doomed.

Willow

Yeah.

Buffy

What about the whole "it's a demon" theory?

Giles

I'm looking into that, but my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater.

Buffy

Uh, priority check, Giles? (holding up her hands) Talent show, murder.

Xander

Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it!

Giles

Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on.

Buffy

This is so unfair.

Willow

O ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the altar, and I, the Priest of Zeus.

Xander

Ha, ha! They prophesize that I should kill my father, but he is dead and hidden deep in the soil. But surely I must fear my mother's bed.

Buffy

O Oedipus, Oedipus, unhappy Oedipus. That is all I can call you and all that I ever shall call you.

Xander

Darkness, and horror of darkness, unfolding, restless visistant sped by an ill wind in haste. Madness and... madness a-and stabbing pain and-and, uh, oh, oh... Memory of, uh, ill deeds I have done.