BuffyThe truth, that she's my wacky identical cousin from England and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue.
It's good you guys have such an honest relationship.
Buffy
No, I told him the story. I vagued-up a few bits but no flat-out lies.
That's fair. How'd you handle the Angel-y parts?
Buffy
I did some editing. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything from Riley. It's... just that that's a longer conversation, and, I had a Faith hunt to do.
Buffy
Couldn't find her. Don't know exactly where to place that in the luck continuum.
At least you're not alone on this. I'll bet every cop in Sunnydale is out there looking for her right now.
Buffy
Pressure's definitely high. I'll tell you, if I were her, I'd get out of Dodge post-hasty.
So, check you out, B. Nice. The "big girl on campus" thing's really working for you.
Buffy
I've been looking for you.
I've been standing still for eight months, B. How hard you look?
Buffy
Are you all right?
Five by five. That's the thing about a coma-- you wake up all rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback.
Buffy
So much for pleasantries, huh?
What'd you think, I'd wake up and we'd go for tea? You tried to gut me, Blondie.
Buffy
You'd have done the same to me if you'd had the chance.
So let's have another go at it, see who lands on top.
Buffy
It doesn't have to be like this, you know.
Actually, I think it has to be exactly like this.
Buffy
Faith, these are innocent people.
Buffy
I guess it was too much to hope that you'd use your downtime to reflect and grow.
Could say the same about you. I mean, you're still the same old "better than thou" Buffy. I mean, I knew it somehow. I kept having this dream. I'm not sure what it means, but in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me. And you want to know why?
Buffy
You had it coming.
That's one interpretation. But in my dream, she does it for a guy. [Willow starts to sneak up behind Faith and is about to hit her with her backpack] Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. [Willow backs off] I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about before. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beefstick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgotten all about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream. That and some stuff about cigars and a tunnel. But, uh, tell me, college girl, what does it mean?
Buffy
To me? Mostly, that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. [Police sirens are heard] Uh-oh, I guess somebody knows you're here. [Faith hits Buffy]
You took my life, B. Payback's a bitch.
[clicks tongue] Ruby Sunset. Burgundy Skyline? Harlot. Mmm. Way to go, Joyce. Now, normally, I wouldn't be going with a color this dark, but I read in some magazine eight months in a coma will damage a girl's natural skin tone. Good thing pale is in this year. Or was it last year? [kisses] Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you got to promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?
Hmm. I was shooting for sultry, but, hey... Bet I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "You're never get away with this." Warm?
Actually, I was thinking my daughter is going to kill you soon.
Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce. I like seeing that in a woman your age. Guess you can afford to talk that way. I mean, in the world according to Joyce, Buffy is gonna come crashing through that door any minute. But, look what I found. Buffy Summers. Buffy Summers, Buffy Summers, Buffy, Buffy. A lot of letters. She, uh, hasn't been by in a while, huh? And you think, with a crazy chick like me on the loose, crazy chick with a wicked grudge against her, no less, she'd call and give you a heads-up. But Buffy's too into her own deal to remember dear old mom.
You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.
Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something, and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.
[sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?
Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead. I mean, nobody cares, nobody remembers, especially not Buffy, fabulous superhero. Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it, she was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother, and she just leaves you here to die!
Buffy
[Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom.
[Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]
Buffy
[in Faith's body] Giles!
Buffy
[in Faith's body] Don't move. Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
Buffy
[in Faith's body] Really.
'Cause the resemblance is striking.
Buffy
[in Faith's body] I know, Giles. You just have to... Stop inching. You were inching.
Look, I-I know what you're gonna say, and-and, uh...
Buffy
[in Faith's body] I'm Buffy.
All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.
Buffy
[in Faith's body] Faith switched. I mean, she had some device. She switched our bodies. Giles, I swear... it's me.
Um, if-if you are Buffy, then, uh... then you'll let me tie you up without killing me, um, until we find out whether you're telling the truth.
Buffy
[in Faith's body] Giles, Faith has taken my body, and for all I know, she's taken it to Mexico by now. I don't have time for bondage fun. Ask me a question. Ask me anything.
Buffy
[in Faith's body] We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.
Buffy
[in Faith's body] Oh, this is... Giles, you turned into a demon, and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?
How did I turn into a demon?
Buffy [in Faith's body]: Oh, 'cause, uh, Ethan Rayne. And-and you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school, which is valid lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker-type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. What...? Do you want me to continue?
Actually, I beg you to stop.
Buffy [in Faith's body]: What's a stevedore?
All right, let's... um, I need you to explain everything.
Buffy
[in Faith's body] And I will after we get Faith.
Buffy
She's gone. Not a trace. Giles said the Council guys have cleared out, too.
I don't understand. How could she have... I mean, how's it possible?
Buffy
Magic.
I knew there was something. I should've picked up on it. I mean, I should have just...
Buffy
You slept with her.
I slept with you. Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a sex way.
Buffy
I don't think she's coming back.
Buffy
Yeah. Fun.
Buffy
But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's... possible?
Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.
Buffy
I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you'd say to yourself-
Buffy
Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
Buffy
Stop with the shrimp! I'm trying to do something here.
I can't believe it really happened.
Buffy
I just had no idea. It's so creepy. He was really singing?
I'd say it was more like crooning. If we grow old together, remind me to skip the midlife crisis.
Come on, you have to admit, it was kind of sexy.
Please stop saying that. I'm willing to offer cash incentives.
We're just lucky no one got injured. No thanks to us.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Buffy
He's right, Will. If Riley and I hadn't, gotten so wrapped up in each other, none of this would have happened.
My girlfriend, mistress of the learning plateau.
Really, it wasn't your fault. You were under the influence of powerful magicks.
Buffy
We were like zombies. I had no control over myself at all.
It must have been horrible.
Buffy
Yeah. Horrible.
Buffy
Mm-hmm.
[Speaking of Oz's return] It's complicated...because of Tara.
Buffy
You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No... [suddenly realizes Willow is in love with Tara] Oh!!
...
Buffy
[almost babbling with the shock of Willow's revelation] Well, there you go! I mean, you know, you have to... follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.
Why do you keep saying my name like that?
Buffy
Like what, Will?
Buffy
[overly insistent] What? No, Will! [pauses, then gathers her emotions] No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me.
...
I don't want to hurt anyone, Buffy.
Buffy
No matter what, somebody's going to get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest or it's going to be a lot worse.
Buffy
I hope everybody else is okay. It was better to split up, right? I mean, we're just too findable in a big clump.
It was better. Besides, I think it's mostly me the Initiative wants now. [sighs]
Buffy
Probably. So what should we do?
Oh, we'll be safe for tonight at least. The campus is still blacked out, so... that ought to slow the Initiative down. I'll figure out my next move tomorrow.
Buffy
Quite a day, huh? You woke up to a big bowl of Wheaties. Now you're a fugitive.
I don't know. I'm sorry it ended that way, but I am glad it's done. I'm glad I know where I stand. Finally. I was wrong about Oz. I was wrong a bigot.
Buffy
No, you weren't. You were thrown. You found out that Willow was in... kind of an unconventional relationship, and it gave you a momentary wiggins. It happens.
Still... I was in a totally black and white space, people versus monsters, and it ain't like that. Especially when it comes to love.
Buffy
I have to tell you some stuff. About my past. And it's not all stuff that you're gonna like.
You can tell me anything.
Buffy
I think so. I think I can.
[amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow]
Maybe that all changes when I'm off doin' sit-ups in Fort Dix!
Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]
Buffy
Are you drunk?
[finishes laughing] Yes, quite a bit, actually.
Buffy
Well, stop it!!
...
Buffy
You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?!
It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
Buffy
[perturbed] What do you mean 'wrong?'
Well, things certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend...
No, it was back before that, since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?!
[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell!
Buffy
Angel.
Buffy
I guess.
Um, I need a little more than that.
Buffy
Oh. Um... come in. You're hurt.
Buffy
I'll live. You want to tell me who ran your face into that doorknob?
Not really. It's not world-in-peril stuff.
Buffy
Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say, and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone because the funniest part is that look on my face--
Buffy, please. I really don't have a lot of time.
Buffy
What's going on?
I told you, you weren't coming near her.
Buffy
You've got to be kidding me. This is why you came?
No. This was an accident.
Buffy
Running your car into a tree is an accident! Running your fist into somebody's face is a plan. Please explain this to me.
It's pretty much all I got left, so I'm thinking not. He attacked four of my men, Buffy. I think he's up to his old tricks.
Buffy
He won't hurt anybody, tell him.
Huh. Some threat. You can barely stand.
My trigger finger feels okay.
You actually sleep with this guy?
Buffy
Okay, stop it! Okay, that is enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning, and I will personally put you both in the hospital. Anybody think I'm exaggerating?
Buffy
Riley.
I'm sorry. Just want to know that you were safe.
Buffy
I need to talk to Angel for a minute.
Buffy
Riley, please.
I'm not leaving this room. I mean it. Not moving a muscle.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
