Buffy Summers quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Buffy

Will, I think you better get used to- a Twinkie!? That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.

Willow

[pouty] Everyone's getting spanked but me.

Maggie Walsh

It took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you and you neutralized them in 28 seconds.

Buffy

I was just lucky.

Maggie Walsh

I see. Well...still. Very impressive.

Buffy

I was just being modest with the whole 'lucky' thing. You got that, right?

Riley

Regret to report Hostile 17 still at large. I've left Beta Team to comb the area but the tracer's--

Maggie Walsh

[interrupting, with faked sorrow] Riley, something's happened. I-I don't know what to say. It-It's about Buffy.

Riley

Buffy?

Maggie Walsh

Two of our hostiles broke free and escaped into the tunnels. She went after them on her own. She's dead, Riley.

Riley

[utterly shocked] What?

Maggie Walsh

I did everything I could to stop her. I told her to wait for a back-up team. She kept insisting she didn't need any team, she could handle it by herself. I-I'm so, so sorry.

Riley

[now into shellshock] I don't understand.

Maggie Walsh

I know what she meant to you.

Riley

How could this happen?

Maggie Walsh

She was a very, very special girl. I didn't understand at first, (sighs) but she had something. I don't know, maybe, maybe I could've stopped her. [Behind Walsh, the com-cam image on the monitors starts to move. Buffy appears in its picture] It's hard not to blame myself.

Buffy

[speaking through the monitor] Professor Walsh? That simple little recon you sent me on... wasn't a raccoon. [Walsh slowly faces the monitors] Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.

Maggie Walsh

Riley. Agent Finn, I order you to stop! Agent Finn! Riley!

Giles

It'll be dark soon. I think it would be wise for you to leave Sunnydale.

Spike

I'm not going anywhere, not until those bastards undo whatever they did to me. Put me back the way I was.

Xander

Sure, just explain to the nice scientist guys that you really miss killing and torturing innocent people.

Spike

You think that would work?

Giles

Spike, Lord know why I'm telling you this. It's for your own good. As long as the Initiative is in operation, it's not safe for you here.

Buffy

No. It's not safe for any of us.

Buffy

Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.

Xander

The... ew! I don't wanna see that.

Buffy

Retinal scan, Xander.

Xander

Make out with me.

Buffy

What?

Xander

As a way to hide. They always do that in movies.

Buffy

This is the Initiative, Xander. Military people don't make out with science people.

Xander

Maybe that's what's wrong with the world. You ever think about that?

Buffy

That would never happen.

Willow

Well no, Buff. That's why they're called cartoons not documentaries.

Buffy

[about Adam] I could barely fight him. It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast, he gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.

Willow

There's gotta be a flaw.

Buffy

I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.

Xander

Seems pretty quiet.

Xander

Buff, maybe you should check the look later.

Buffy

Shh!

Xander

Ow! What'd you do that for?

Buffy

Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.

Xander

The-- Ew! I don't wanna see that.

Buffy

Retinal scan, Xander. Well, we'll know in a few seconds if my clearance is still good.

Xander

Or if we're about to die at the hands of 50 grief-fueled military goons. Why am I not entirely comforted by the arrival of the man-size microwave?

Xander

Holy moley!

Buffy

I know.

Xander

I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too? Quick, pretend to make out with me!

Buffy

What? What are you talking about?!

Xander

Well, I, uh... You know, in the movies, the guy and the girl have to hide.

Buffy

Please. Could you possibly draw more attention to us? This is the Initiative, Xander. Military guys and scientists do not make out with each other.

Xander

Well, maybe that's what's wrong with the world. Ever think about that?

Buffy

That would never happen.

Willow

Well no, Buff, that's why they're called cartoons, not documentaries.

Giles

Must we have the noise? My head is splitting.

Willow

Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning.

Giles

Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.

Everytime you moved, it make squeaky noises. It was irritating.

Giles

Really? I'm surprised you could hear it over your Wagnerian snoring.

Buffy

Okay, you guys. Could we not, please? Everything's screwed up enough without you two doing scenes from my parent's marriage.

Sorry.

Giles

Sorry.

Buffy

Thank you.

Willow

It'll be okay, Buffy. Riley's just confused, that's all.

Buffy

I don't know. Just seems like things could get heavier. His whole world's falling apart.

And after everything you've been through with Angel. You know, you really sould get yourself a boring boyfriend, like Xander. You can't have Xander.

Buffy

That was the idea. Riley was supposed to be Mr. Joe Guy. We were gonna do dumb things like hold hands through the daisies, going "Tra-la-la."

Willow

Poor Buffy, your life resists all thing average.

So dump him. But you can't have Xander.

Buffy

I'll try and remember that. It's too late, anyway. I'm already at the "I hurt when he hurts, I smiles when he smiles" stage.

I hate that part.

Buffy

I'll just have to make it work.

Xander

Turn on the TV. Now!

Sunnydale is still reeling from news of the crime. A source in the coroner's office tells us that the boy was stabbed with what looks like some kind of large skewer, and his body was then mutilated. Police have not named a suspect, and the killer is still at large.

Buffy

The Polgara demon had a skewer in its arm. That's the one that Maggie insisted we bring back alive.

Giles

She must have sent it after you.

Buffy

And it got distracted. God.

Willow

Buffy, it's not your fault. How could you know?

Giles

She's right. You mustn't blame yourself.

Buffy

I'm not going to. I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine. [uncomfortable pause] That probably would have sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

Buffy

I've been looking for you.

Faith

Been standin' still for eight months, B, how hard you look?

Buffy

Faith, these are innocent people.

Faith

No such animal.

Faith

I kept having this dream; I'm not sure what it means. But in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me, and you want to know why?

Buffy

You had it coming.

Faith

That's one interpretation, but in my dream she does it for a guy. [Willow starts to sneak up behind Faith and is about to hit her with her backpack] Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. [Willow backs off] I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beef stick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgot about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream... that and some stuff about cigars and tunnel. But, uh, tell me college girl, what does it mean?

Buffy

To me? Mostly that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. [Police sirens are heard] Uh oh, I guess somebody knows you're here [Faith hits Buffy]

Joyce

You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.

Faith

Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.

Joyce

[sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?

Faith

Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! I mean, nobody cares! Nobody remembers! Especially not Buffy-fabulous-super-hero! Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother and she just leaves you here to die!

Buffy

[Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom!

Joyce

Hi, honey.