Terry Jeffords quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Terry

I used to have an addiction. Food. It got bad.

You're not closed! It's 6:00! I NEED MY MOO SHU PORK! [Pounds on the glass.] I NEED MY MOO SHU! [Shatters the glass.]

Terry

Listen up, Jake. We just found out Sharon is pregnant and it's way too early to tell anyone. This is a secret. Do you understand me?

Jake

Mm-hmm.

Terry

Do you? Do you understand me?! [Grabs and picks up Jake]

Jake

Oh, this got physical very quickly!

Terry

This is adult stuff, Jake! Be serious!

Jake

Look, I promise I won't tell anyone, alright? My lips are sealed!

Terry

Good.

Jake

Do I even weigh anything to you?

Terry

No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.

Leave it to the NYPD to screw up being hostages. I thought cops loved to sit around all day on their fat asses and do nothing.

Terry

That's it.

[Jumps back in fear] Whoah!

Terry

MY ASS IS NOT FAT!

Terry

Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside to move his very loud boombox elsewhere.

Diaz

You beat him in a dance-off?

Terry

No. I destroyed him. There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.

Scully

Oh! Oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare but it caught on fire!

Terry

Why are you using a road flare?!

Hitchcock

You said the kitchen was off-limits!

Scully

Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.

Terry

Give me that. [takes the road flare]

Terry

[still stomping out the oatmeal] I'm just... holding a road flare... stepping on some oatmeal... Just doing me.

Holt

I can't believe that you, of all people, are my biggest problem today, Jeffords. [leaves]

Holt

I'm not going anywhere. Madeline's not some invincible succubus. She's a regular succubus and can be defeated. We just need to find the letter.

Terry

What letter?

Holt

Before our current policy commissioner was hired, a mutual friend told me Madeline wrote a letter to the mayor telling him it was a mistake. She apparently called her now-boss a quote "simpering buffoon" unquote.

Gina

Amateur, always say your insults to someone's face, no paper trail.

Holt

A copy of that letter exists in the mayor's archives. I can't go snooping around without alerting Madeline, so it won't be easy, and we don't have much timeout I need you to find that letter

Hello. I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.

Jake

Could probably just say it once.

Are you making fun of my stutter?

Jake

Oh. Uh-

Tricked you! I don't have a stutter. Boom! I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.

Terry

Well done, sir. Welcome to the 9-9. I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

And I'm not interested. I have no use for people. I find people weird and confusing. I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells be how many calories I burn at any time. Question- how many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? [Points from the elevator to where he is standing, then addresses Amy.] You, female closest to me.

Amy

Oh! Uh, three?

Three?! Haaaa ha-ha-ha! Try 0.8, numbnuts! I made promises to my superiors that I most certainly cannot keep. That's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard- no, no! Strike that! Four times as hard! No, no no! Strike that! I NEED YOU MORONS TO WORK EIGHT TIMES HARDER THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! I'm having a heart attack. Yep, I'm havin' a heart attack. [Falls to his knees] Get back to work. [Falls to the floor and passes out.]

Terry

Get a doctor!

[On a tablet program displaying his face and a timer] Warning! You are 43 minutes behind!

Terry

I know! Get off my back, computer ghost!

Diaz

Why are you still playing with that stupid game, Sarge? The guy's dead!

Terry

It's not a game. I'm following our captain's orders.

Diaz

His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever known. Whoah... I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face. I mean, I can say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.

Jake

Seriously, no costume?

Terry

What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?

Boyle

But- you guys always make fun of me!

Gina

I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!

Diaz

Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.

Jake

Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?

Boyle

Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.

Holt

[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?

Boyle

[Already racing back to the elevator] No!

Boyle

A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?

Diaz

Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.

Boyle

But uh- but uh-

Amy

Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?

Jake

No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!

Holt

Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!

Boyle

Yes!

Holt

Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!

Boyle

NO!

Terry

I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible Scotch.

Jake

They certainly do. Ugh. It's bad. Gets you drunk, though.

Boyle

Well, I found all the worms. They're eating a fox corpse in the outhouse.

Terry

Speaking of which, I'm getting hungry. What's for dinner?

Jake

Dinner? Ha ha ha! Yes! Of course, dinner!

Terry

Did you not pack any food?

Jake

There's fresh fox.

Boyle

Oh, it's not fresh.

Jake

Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.

Terry

You called us in here to tell us that?

Jake

No, I called you in here to change your lives! For you see, not five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish, who lives in-

Boyle

[Looks out the break room window and gasps] An identical mason jar!

Gina

Oh... this isn't gonna end well.

Jake

There are two possible outcomes, and we're gonna bet on which one happens first. Will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade-

Diaz

Hitchcock just drank his own fish.

Jake

What?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Gina

All right, all right! Looks good! Can barely tell you hulked out in here.

Terry

Yeah, two weeks in charge, and I didn't get any of my goals accomplished.

Gina

You got Hitchcock and Scully off their hunger strike.

Terry

I just threw a bunch of popcorn on the floor. It wasn't that hard.

Gina

Yeah, they're animals. Do you wanna know why the amazing Captain Holt has never gotten the evidence room cleaned or done anything on your list?

Terry

Why?

Gina

Because all day long, he's putting out fires. That's what a captain does. The only difference between you and Holt is that he lacks the strength to close a door so hard a room blows up.

Terry

Thanks, Gina.

Gina

Oh, you don't have to thank me. All I did was be the only person who believes in you.

Terry

Don't lean against the door. Terry caused structural damage.

Gina

My God, you're strong.

Diaz

Oh. I didn't-

Boyle

No, it's fine, I'm not-

Diaz

Right, why would you be-

Boyle

It's not like I'm, uh, always-

Diaz

Naked.

Boyle

Yeah.

Diaz

Look, man. Nobody's ever gonna see that footage; the case was cut and dry. It's not like I'm dying to tell anyone I saw your-

Boyle

Benny and the Jets.

Diaz

[Laughs] Sure. Whatever.

Terry

Hey. I've been looking for you guys. I just spoke to our perp's attorney. He's claiming the drugs you seized in the bathroom weren't his.

Diaz

What?! But we saw him throw them in the garbage!

Terry

Yeah. Normally, it'd be your word against his- but lucky for us, you were wearing body cams!

Boyle

Yeah, but the thing about cameras, is that they don't really tell the full, objective truth. Images can be distorted. People often seem naked.

Terry

Boyle, what are you talking about?

Diaz

Boyle is fully nude in the footage.

Terry

WHYYYY?!

Jake

Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies- all the food groups.

Boyle

The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth. And in my hands!

Gina

Hm. French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in France? Like his husband, per exemple?

Jake

What? No way! This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen that wanted us to munch!

Gina

What's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt: Thinking of you. Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.

Amy

Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most intimate snack of them all!

Diaz

Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in thirty minutes- what do we do?!

Terry

Eat the note!

Jake

No! No. It's okay. We can fix this.

Jake

Check it out, sir; a lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you, all the way from Paris.

Boyle

Straight from Paris!

Holt

Stapler... scissors... rubber bands? [Picks up the package of rubber bands.] That man really knows me!

Jake

This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.

Gina

You mean like a dining room?

Jake

Yeah. But in Manhattan.

Gina

Oh, dang.

Jake

Now, just because I'm definitely rich now doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots. You all get something, so fire away.

Boyle

Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.

Diaz

Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.

Jake

All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.

Amy

Oh, cool, I want a fast sports car.

Jake

Come on, you can be honest.

Amy

I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.

Jake

There you go. Now, let's find out what I'm worth... Ah, I'm too nervous. Sarge, you do it.

Terry

[Opens the envelope] It's stock, one million shares!

Jake

Oh, my God!

Terry

... Of Blockbuster Video stock.

Jake

What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card. WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOCKBUSTER?!

Jake

What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier. A tank!

Diaz

Two tanks. I want a tank, too.

Jake

Great, so everyone gets a tank. Just remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high. We can't do anything to upset him. [Turns around and sees Hitchcock and Scully in Holt's office] Woah, no! What're those morons doing in there?!

Terry

Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.

Jake

What'd you do? What'd you say?

Hitchcock

Nothin', just said welcome back.

Scully

And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France!

Holt

Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!

Jake

So long, tank.

Holt

"Tank"?! I gained three pounds in Paris! Three pounds!