[Jake and Amy are on their first date, and the atmosphere is more than a little awkward]
So, here we are... officially on a date. Romantical date...
AmyYes, we are. No longer just colleagues... Dating. [pause] You got a haircut. It looks nice.
Oh, thanks. You also got a haircut... At some point in your life, I'm sure, that's not your baby hair. That would be crazy. But, uh, you look very nice.
Amy
Domo Arigato.
Amy
No.
Oh. Uh... Sorry. I think I'm feeling a little awkward.
Amy
[somewhat relieved] Yeah, me too.
How do we make it not weird?
Amy
I know - let's just get super drunk.
Yes! Great idea! [to the waitress] Ma'am, could you please bring us four kamikaze shots?
Amy
And four for me as well.
Ah, I like your style. See, we can do this. We're back on track. We're keeping it light and breezy!
[cut to them in bed together]
Amy
Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.
"I hope it wasn't a mistake," title of your sex tape? [gasps] Title of our sex tape!
[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]
What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?
But- you guys always make fun of me!
I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!
Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.
Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?
Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.
[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?
[Already racing back to the elevator] No!
[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]
A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?
Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.
Amy
Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?
No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!
Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!
Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!
Amy
Hey, Gina. Would you do me a favor?
Yes! Thank you for asking. I did not feel like doing this work right now.
[Gina shoves the papers she was writing on off her desk and into the trash can.]
Amy
Oh. Those look like important papers.
What's up? How can I help?
Amy
Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together. The Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia...
But never to a friend's house, huh?
Amy
Uncalled for. Anyway, I realized that this could be really helpful for police work, so I made an appointment with the head of NYPD purchasing. I need to sell him on it, but I'm afraid I might come across a little... boring.
[Gasps] Amy, are you asking me to "She's all that" you?
Amy
I didn't read that. But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes, please! "She's all that" me.
Okay. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way. First I'm gonna need to break you down into nothin', and then build you back up piece by piece.
Amy
Well, the meeting's tomorrow.
Well, we'll just break you down to nothin' and see what time it is.
Amy Santiago
[As Jake approaches their desk] Oh, come here, come here, come here! You need to see this! I'm about to give Captain Holt his gift.
Oh? Did he lift his no gift policy?
Amy
No, he didn't, but I figured out a way to buy him something and trick him into accepting it.
Amy
I know, right! Oh, wait, you're making fun of me.
Amy
Well, I don't care. He would never open a gift, right? But, what if his gift didn't look like a gift?
Amy
Exactly! I left it in a cardboard box on his desk. There's no card, just the words "Open Now" which I wrote with my wrong hand, so he wouldn't recognise my handwriting! [Holt passes them] Captain!
Sir... So, just to recap, you left an unmarked package on a police captain's desk, on a random Monday with a suspicious message written on it that looked like it was scrawled by a crazy person?
Amy
Mm-hmm
[exiting his office quickly] Bomb! There's a bomb! Everyone out! [There is mass panic as everyone rushes for the exit. Rosa presses an alarm] Let's go, let's go! This is not a drill! Let's go!
[sarcastically, to an aghast Amy] Great gift, babe!
Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on this ship. You won a free cruise without entering a contest; how do you think that happened?
I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought Speed 2 on DVD and the internet figured out that cruises are one of my interests!
Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong. [He and Jake bump fists] But the tics are all me. I brought you here because I'm in peril.
Somebody's tryin' to kill me, and I need protection. So I sent for my best friend.
I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy! Get that through your head!
[To Amy] It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.
Whatever, Judy! You're under arrest!
You can't arrest me, boo! We're in international waters. Which is why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome, to the high seas.
No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.
Amy
Judy's right, we have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.
Uh-oh! Your girl knows about the Uzbeks!
Amy
But the captain can have him arrested; he has total authority on this boat.
Perfect; captains love me. Just wait until he or she finds out they're employing a criminal.
[Cut to the three of them standing out on deck with the captain.]
OCaptain Orleans
Yeah, about forty percent of the crew are criminals.
KPKaren Peralta
Hey, honey. Thanks for bringing Roger back.
You're very welcome. Hey, by the way, Amy was really nervous to meet you, so don't judge her for all the weird singing.
KPKaren Peralta
Oh, no. I'm dating my son-of-a-bitch ex-husband; who am I to judge?
[Amy Santiago rolls down the window of the Impala she's sitting in.]
Amy
I think you're really great, too!
She's very good at lip-reading.
Amy
I wouldn't say "very" good; deaf people, they're the real talents!
Amy
I'll let you guys talk! I'll just close my eyes. [Rolls the window back up.]
Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. Yeah, it's full of treats. It's got meats, cheeses, candies- all the food groups.
The cheese is amazing. It melts in my mouth. And in my hands!
Hm. French chocolates, French cheeses, tiny French pickles. Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift for Captain Holt from someone in France? Like his husband, per exemple?
What? No way! This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen that wanted us to munch!
What's this, then? "Dear Captain Raymond Holt: Thinking of you. Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D." He even used their pet names.
Amy
Oh, no. I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. That's the most intimate snack of them all!
Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in thirty minutes- what do we do?!
No! No. It's okay. We can fix this.
[32 minutes later.]
Check it out, sir; a lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you, all the way from Paris.
[Holt unties the ribbon and removes the red plastic wrapping. Holt examines some of the items.]
Stapler... scissors... rubber bands? [Picks up the package of rubber bands.] That man really knows me!
This envelope contains my inheritance from my uncle, he died a year ago. He was so rich, he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.
You mean like a dining room?
Now, just because I'm definitely rich now doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots. You all get something, so fire away.
Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.
Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.
All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.
Amy
Oh, cool, I want a fast sports car.
Come on, you can be honest.
Amy
I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.
There you go. Now, let's find out what I'm worth... Ah, I'm too nervous. Sarge, you do it.
[Opens the envelope] It's stock, one million shares!
... Of Blockbuster Video stock.
[Terry hands the folder back and everyone goes back to work in disappointment.]
What? Is that bad? I still have a Blockbuster card. WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOCKBUSTER?!
[Amy is undercover in a Texas state prison as "Isabel Cortez".]
MFMaura Figgis
Hey, Cortez. I hear you can smuggle in crap from outside.
Amy
That's right, baby. What do you want?
MFMaura Figgis
What I want? Is for you to back the hell off. Because I'm the only store in this prison.
Amy
Well, I didn't see your name on the outside of the prison. Unless your name is, "Texas State Penitentiary comma Spring Valley Unit"!
Amy
What're you lookin' at? You got a problem?
MFMaura Figgis
Whoah! Cool it, killa! I just wanted to say good job on beatin' the crap outta that doctor.
Amy
Oh. Thanks.
MFMaura Figgis
I like you. You got balls. Maybe you should come work for me. I could use another bruiser on my crew.
Amy
I'm not a bruiser. I'm a psycho.
MFMaura Figgis
Even better.
Amy
Did you get the other guy?
Amy
Someone named Bob Anderson.
Oh, my God. Amy, I have to go. [Hangs up.] Bob is working for Figgis!
He must've been the one who deleted all those digital files! And he tried to have Wielan killed!
But he helped us with the heist and there was nothing about him in the paper file!
Yeah! Cause that wasn't the real file! We have to call Holt. Come on, Captain, pick up! Pick up!
[Cut to the hospital room where Holt and Bob were waiting; Bob has drawn his pistol and is aiming it at Holt.]
Don't answer that, Raymond. And now I'm going to have to kill you.
Amy
Okay, we have got to explain this thing to Captain Holt to save their relationship. And you laughed at me when I went to that weekend-long math conference.
Because you called it "Funky Cats and Their Feisty Stats".
Amy
That was the name! It was so cool!
It was not. Anyway, it's not about the math. They haven't seen each other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.
Amy
What?! Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! [Diaz is taken aback.] I mean, that's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.
[Diaz is surprised.] Wow.
Amy
[exasperated] Never mind! I'm teaching Father the math.
[Diaz tilts her head, still surprised and amazed at what she's hearing.]
Amy
Whatever, Rosa!
[Amy hurriedly leaves, and Diaz still looks on at Amy.]
I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place at work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life.
Come on, sir. The math thing isn't the problem. The night shift is keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
Amy
[Mortified squeak]
Amy
[whispers] Don't say it again.
I said you two need to bone.
[Amy closes her eyes.]
How DARE YOU, DETECTIVE DIAZ. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!
[5 minutes later, Amy is shuddering in her seat, Diaz is apathetic, and Holt is at his doorframe.]
[10 minutes later]
What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.
[21 minutes later, Amy is still shuddering in her seat, Diaz is still apathetic, and Holt is bouncing at his doorframe.]
[40 minutes later]
Don't ever speak to me like that again.
[Holt leaves, Amy lifts her head to Diaz.]
Amy
Why did you do that?
Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.
Amy
Oh, Captain! I know you don't wanna talk about Monty Hall, but I did contact a Math professor.
No need, Santiago, it's all good.
Amy
So the fight with Kevin is over?
Amy
Because you understand the math now?
I knew it. [Diaz goes to leave but quickly turns back to Amy] See what happened is your dads had sex.
Amy
[Amy quickly stands up to leave] Okay, Rosa!
Brooklyn Nine-Nine · 153 quotes
