Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Denny

So whose ass did you have kicked?

Alan

Someone whose ass thoroughly deserved it.

Denny

Good! I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works every time.

Alan

Your Honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.

I beg your pardon?

Alan

Apple trash can is picked from God.

Huh?

Mr Shore!

Alan

Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.

Objection! I think.

Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.

Alan

[emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?

Denny

Alan you know the one thing we sometimes forget is no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices were, how complex your ethical decisions...you always get to choose what you want for lunch.

Alan

Daily I am amazed at your inexhaustable ability to just live.

Denny

It's either that or die.

Denny

I hear you misplaced a client.

Alan

Not really. Like car keys and sunglasses, he'll show up somewhere.

Denny

I misplaced a client once.

Alan

Did they ever find him?

Denny

No, I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition. Practically a deserted island off the coast of South America. He sends me Feliz Cumpleanos cards every year.

Alan

That's thoughtful. Sounds like paradise actually. Living on an island. A much simpler life.

Denny

Especially if it's an island where the natives run around the beach with their boobies hanging out.

Alan

There's no doubt in my mind that you could develop into a first rate criminal defender, Jerry. But my hope is that you don't. Even at your relatively mature age you're still innocent.

Jerry

Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.

You know if the US really wanted to torture detainees, they'd sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.

Alan

You have no idea.

I didn't shoot before Denny, but I will this time. I really will.

Denny

Sydney, I took you out once. Don't make me do it again.

With what?

Denny

This! [takes out his gun and fires]

Alan

You said you'd never so much as look at a gun again.

Denny

I never said I wouldn't shoot one.

What is this jibber jabber?

Alan

That wouldn't be jibber jabber, Your Honor, that's a gun.

Denny

Canada, Japan, England. Any number of those pinko countries, I'd be in jail for shooting somebody.

Alan

God bless America.

I was wondering if I could join you and Denny on the balcony sometime. Just trying to diversify my life with some male bonding and I was wondering...you know.

Alan

Brad, any gathering of three or more men always seems like a team to me, and I've never been much of a team player, so if you're going to show count me out. [pauses] Was there something specific you'd like to talk about?

Are you a good kisser?

Chelina

God, the last time I saw you...

Alan

I believe it was a Sunday. Then I was taken off the air, you went off to do movies, I got switched to Tuesdays and...

Chelina

Here we are...with old footage.

(to Alan) I think I have enough probable cause, Mr. Shoup. The victim is in the hospital.

Alan

Actually, your honor, since our last get together, I've changed my name from Shoup to Shore. I figured since it's on my birth certificate and driver's license, not to mention the pleadings before you, though I never expect you to read the pleadings because of their (with Judge Sanders) Jibber Jabber.

Denny

Are we setting a bad example? I shoot people.

Alan

I bribe them.

Denny

We drink.

Alan

We smoke.

Denny

I'm unfaithful.

Alan

Not to me.

Denny

Never to you.

Alan

We're not setting examples. We're just being true to who we are.

Denny

Who are we?

Alan

Denny Crane.

Denny

Alan Shore.

Alan

Leaders of men.

Denny

With bull's eyes on our asses.

Denny

Yes your honor, he gets me off, I get him off.

Alan

We're flamingos.

Denny

Don't ask, don't tell.