Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Alan

I suppose coming to a lawyer's office can't be much fun.

Actually, everyone seems friendly here.

Alan

Well, they're given an unlimited supply of donuts.

I had a hard time trying to find you. I called Cruthers, Abbott…

Alan

Oh, I was fired. Embezzlement.

Then I tried Young, Frutt and Berultti.

Alan

Oh, yes. That ended badly.

And here you are at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.

Alan

For now.

I need your help. You always said I could come to you for anything.

Alan

I meant sexually.

Alan Shore

Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.

That's three things.

Alan Shore

See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.

Alan

Denny, I refuse to shoot you.

Denny Crane

You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?

Alan

Where would we be...

Denny

I wonder if sometimes I get married just to have someone listen to my stories again.

Alan

Not a terrible reason.

Denny

You never talk about your wife. What was she like?

Alan

She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.

Denny

Sounds spectacular. What happened?

Alan

She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.

Alan

Congratulations. I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter.

Paul

Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.

Shirley

White roses, gold leaf cake, Bev's boobs swimming out of her wedding dress.

Who said money can't buy tastelessness?

Alan

I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job.

Paul

11 marriages between the two of them. They've had plenty of practice.

Alan

…You're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.

Denny

Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.

Alan

Denny, you're generous to a fault.

Denny Crane

Ahhh. I wish you and I were getting married. That's you and I. Both of us. To others. I'm not gay.

Alan

I heard you the first Freudian slip.

Alan

Why'd he fire you?

Well, one day, six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting. And he says, “Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance, all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit. At which point I'll test their system for nicotine and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated.” Fired! Friggin' health Nazi. You know, I got rent to pay. And of course, I tried to quit. You know, I wanted to! I did the patch and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know, but the more I imagined losing my job the more I panicked. And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. Now I'm up to three packs a day. And today was the day, he made me pee in a cup and then he fired me!

Alan

Well, unless that's some kind of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling and we won't let him do it.

Alan Shore

Mr Lumis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General three hundred thousand Americans die every year from obesity-related illnesses.

Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.

Alan Shore

So you're thinking about it?

I'm always thinking.

Alan Shore

Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?

Maybe I should.

Alan Shore

What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.

Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.

Alan Shore

No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.

Denny Crane

Well. Are the rumors true? You have naked photos of Shirley? Awww, come on! What's the big deal? I've had naked photos of Shirley for years. [pulls out a stack of pictures to show Alan]

Alan

Denny? She's asleep in all of these.

Denny Crane

[Denny hands him another photo] Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?

Alan

You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.

Denny Crane

Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.

Alan

Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."

Denny Crane

Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.

Alan Shore

"I want a kinder and gentler nation."