Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Silence! Mr. Shore, you are the defendent! I don't want to hear another poop out of you! How do you plea?

Alan

Not guilty by reason of the District Attorney's insanity.

Alright, we'll set-That's not a real plea!

Alan

Not guilty then.

Alan

To next season, my friend.

Denny

Same night?

Alan

God, I hope.

Alan

There used to be a day when the pandering in our society was reserved for…

Denny

Politicians?

Alan

[laughs] Maybe that's what bothers me. Hollywood has sunk to the level of Congress.

Alan

To more travels, Denny.

Denny

To the mountains…

Alan

Prairies…

Denny

Whores…

Alan

America the beautiful.

Marlene

You missed your ten o'clock.

Alan

Um, something came up.

Marlene

Something was supposed to come up, at the closet, at ten o'clock.

Alan

I've got a few minutes now if you'd like to go somewhere and... grab a bite.

Alan

[Referring to Jerry's legal problems and infatuation with a doll] I've got to get him help. My God, if you saw the way he hugged her.

Denny

Is she cute?

Alan

Denny, its a doll.

Denny

Oh, come on, don't tell me you've never gone to town with a doll.

Alan

[laughs] No, as a matter of fact. [pause] Have you?

Alan

Denny...

Denny

Well, not just any doll. Well, I mean I'm not... ah, what's the word?

Alan

Peculiar?

Denny

But I suppose I've been with... a special doll.

Alan

Would I like her?

Denny

You want to meet her?

Alan

We're developing pictures.

Marlene

We're photography buffs.

Alan

Hello.

Claire

I know who you are. You're a little horny toad. Horny toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.

Alan

Shirley, as lovely as the new case you sent me is and she is delightful. I just had Jerry Espenson last week, I need a break from this sort of thing.

Shirley

I'll get the new girl to help, she knows employment law.

Alan

You can't just assign me cases and girls. Girls, maybe.

[As Clarice] Why you staring? I know why you're staring. You're staring at my knockers. I know when a man is staring at my knockers. This here, is part of the problem. They don't let me take maternity, they stare at my knockers. Know what I'm sayin'?

Alan

No way to treat a woman.

Alan

Excuse me, I realize you're new to this office but we have a zero-tolerance policy here when it comes to sexual harassment.

Claire

Ha! [points to Denny] Tubby over there groped me when I came off the elevator.

Alan

Did he grunt as he groped? Because I found as long as he's not grunting you're perfectly fine.

Alan

Shirley, the truth is I only took this case to be in court with you. I enjoy your company. So, if I can't join you on cases, I'll just have to oppose you. Or I could just oppose you right now against the wall. That would certainly make me happy.

Denny

Bethany, Brad'll be your point-man here, if you need anything go to him. If you're not satisfied... you come to me.

In my chambers.

Just Ms. Schmidt and Mr. Tiggs.

Alan

Couldn't I come and just watch?

[glaring at Alan menacingly] No.

Alan

Mr. Tiggs did satisfy you didn't he?

Shirley

I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.

Ivan

Shirley, Paul. I believe you've met my attorney. Alan Shore.

Alan

How do you do?

Shirley

What's going on?

Ivan

I've told Alan my story and he agreed to help me.

Shirley

That's ridicules.

Alan

[raising his hand] I'm a fan of ridicules.