Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Do you know your briefcase is smoking?

Alan

This is the season, Brad. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble and so forth.

This is a law firm.

Alan

Thank you for that.

Alan

I squeezed a clown's nose today.

Denny

Good for you!

Denny

It's fun being me. Is it fun being you?

Alan

Most of the time actually.

Denny

Then what else is there?

Alan

Indeed.

Alan

What would you do as mayor of Boston?

Denny

Oh, I don't know, attack Rhode Island. Small.

You need to stand up and deliver this closing.

Alan

Will the clown be there?

Melissa

You're a really weird man, aren't you?

Alan

Seems so.

Melissa

I will make sure you don't wig out and that's it.

Alan

I'm not sure the term 'wig out' has legal teeth.

Melissa

Mmm, but it is extremely xeroxable for all the partners' windshields.

Denny

Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.

Alan

[deadpan] I'm stunned.

Denny

Thank you, Alan, for coming with me.

Alan

I think friends should always encourage friends to get their heads examined.

Denny

Here's a little secret. I know things. Don't tell.

Alan

That secret seems unbelievably safe.

Alan

You and Jane Fonda?

Denny

Lest we forget Barbarella. Then she turned on me. Went red. They caught her in one of those communist bitch hunts.

Alan

I think you mean witch hunts.

Denny

No, I'm right on this one.

Alan

Denny, I could be wrong, but you might want to think about settling this.

Denny

You're absolutely right. You could be wrong.

Denny

Seriously, do I act like I'm the only one in the room?

Alan

Denny, one of the things I love about you is when we talk, often it's as if you're not even in the room.

Melissa

That was the single sexiest thing I've ever seen a man do.

Alan

You should see me do it naked.

Melissa

How's my hair? Does my hair work?

Alan

It does appear to grow each month.