Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Denny

Think we'll ever see the day when the defense lawyer will be legally permitted to shoot the defendant?

Alan

We seem to be making progress.

Denny

Denny Crane. I'll be your attorney.[imitating to shoot somebody]

Alan

Jerry, you know I have a tremendous affection for my own intelligence, and even I think you are smarter than me.

Oh, I am.

Denny

What the hell kinda charity is 'Children's Group'?

Shirley

We're teaching children to read.

No, we're buying them food.

Alan

I thought we were providing them with old people to play with.

Shirley

But understand that everyone at this firm is considered a witness. Don't expect anyone at this firm to help you -- OR speak to you.

Alan

And won't that make for a refreshing change.

Denny

So, do you like her yet? You promised.

Alan

I did. And I do.

Denny

I thought you would. She has many fine qualities.

Alan

She makes my friend smile. That's the only quality that matters.

Denny

Alan, Bev is the woman I've always dreamed of. An angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.

Alan

I think it's the other way around.

Denny

Not last night.

Alan

And good for you, you've enlisted the one prosecutor who's running for D.A. next year. Tell me, how big was your campaign contribution? And is there a matching fund here at the firm we can all go in on?

Shirley

It was sizeable, and speak to Kim in accounting.

Do you know how many times I have been held up this year?

Alan

Far too many to appreciate her little prank, I'm sure... May I ask if that's your car out front, the Datsun with the dents in the side?

Yeah...

Alan

I have a friend who... has a friend, he's a magician with body work. He'll make those dents disappear, change the color, he'll make that Datsun look exactly like a late model BMW.

Can he...make the seats look like...leather?

Alan

The man's a miracle worker!

Alan

So how are you doing?

Fine.

Alan

I have a rabbi friend with a small gambling problem who, when he hears someone say they're fine, he always asks again until they say something--other than 'fine.' So, how are you doing?

Alan

I always feel slightly sick to my stomach when I work alone in the office late at night.

I thought you liked being alone.

Alan

Oh, I love being alone. I just prefer to be alone when there's other people around.

Alan

I didn't see you on the balcony the other night.

Denny

Bev and I had something to do...then we did it again.

Shirley

[looking around the courtroom] The District Attorney's here.

Alan

Scott Bodner. Politicians are drawn to cameras like flies are drawn to...

Shirley

Politicians.

Shirley

If I agree to help you, one condition. I assume during the course of this case 'breasts' will be referred to in many colorful ways.

Alan

One would hope.

Shirley

Personally, however, I don't ever want to hear them referred to as 'hooters'. I hate that word. Oh, and this is a little off-topic, but I hate the word 'underpants', too.

Alan

If I can have your breasts, I promise not to say 'hooters'.

Shirley

Thank you, Alan.

Alan

Now, as for underpants, if you promise not to wear an...

Shirley

[interrupting] Goodbye, Alan.

Alan

Oh, look, it's me!

Denny

I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!

Alan

I need your boobs.

Shirley

OK...but have them home by 11.