Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Shirley

[threatening] Your resume intact?

Alan

Shirley, you're being retaliatory; it becomes you.

Shirley

Five seconds?

Alan

He cheated. You can't squat on the head.

Shirley

Five seconds?

Alan

Four, actually.

Alan

Shouldn't we pee in a cup first? I don't trust his testosterone levels.

Denny

Mine's naturally high.

Alan

My friend, one of my goals in life is to go to all the places you've gone.

Denny

Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.

Alan

If I should ever like to drive your car...

Denny

I toss you my keys.

Alan

If I should ever need any money...

Denny

My check is blank.

Alan

Or need to pick your brain...

Denny

My mind is blank.

Alan

Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.

Denny

Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.

Alan

Denny, I... Why do you have clothes pins on your ears?

Denny

Personal.

Alan

Admit it Shirley, you're drawn to me like Eve to the Serpent. Take me home and help me stretch my coil.

Shirley

Has that line actually worked?

Alan

It's working now.

Frank

No deal. He goes to jail. And tell your boy, between now and trial, he'd better not eat anyone else.

Alan

Tell me, Mr. Vote-For-Me-Come-November, what if you lose this trial? Did that ever occur to you?

Frank

Funny. It didn't.

Alan

Perhaps it should.

Frank

I would love to see how you can open this one... Shirley.

Frank

Knowing you, you'd probably plan to get up in the end and deliver some stirring closing like cannibalism is good, the world needs more people devouring each other.

Alan

No, we already have enough of that.

Shirley

Because this case is disgusting, it's distasteful, it's repugnant...

Alan

Everything I stand for.

Shirley

I'll drive.

Alan

Shirley, is this about getting in a room with me?

Shirley

[sarcastically] Yes, Alan, I went out and recruited a cannibal just to get close to you.

Denny

You know the old joke, Alan? Man shows up at the Pearly Gates, sees this guy in a pin stripe suit, and a briefcase, a cigar, prancing about. He says to Saint Peter, 'who's that guy?' Saint Peter says 'ahhh, that's just God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.'

Alan

Denny, what would you do if you actually met God one day?

Denny

I'd probably take him fishing.

Alan

Indeed.

Denny

He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.

Alan

Indeed again.

Alan

[closing statement] Ugh, please. It's a dumb freedom. An employee's behavior reflects on their employer, for God's sakes. In this case, we're talking about a business, a law firm, where clients look for good judgment, sound and sane counsel. This guy's running around talking about how humans evolved from a big clam after galactic warlords invaded our volcanoes. He's a nut-job. And I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of this whole "freedom of religion" thing. I mean, when did religion get such a good name anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation Genocides, the troubles in Northern Ireland, Middle East, mass slaughters in the name of Allah, as well as the obligatory reciprocal retribution. Hundreds of millions of people have died in religious conflicts. Hitler did his business in the name of his Creator. 9/11 was an act of religious extremism. It is, in fact, our greatest threat today -- a Holy Jihad. And if we're not ready to strip religion of its sacred cow status, why don't we at least scale back a bit on the constitutional dogma exalting it as all get-out?

Your Honor, I'd love to know what this has to with my client being fired.

Alan

Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete loon, and now he tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied. Everyone should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God -- of course. But to impose him on others, to victimize others in his name -- the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don't tell me he's not being victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around telling clients and other attorneys that according to his most recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he's getting closer to immortality, at which point he'll be able to leave his body and talk to zebras! At a certain point we have to say, "Enough with this 'freedom of religion' crap!" Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! [goes back to his seat] Yes, I know. I'll get letters.

Christians believe that Jesus will come again. Are they all nuts?

Alan

Most.

Denny

What are you looking for? Serious relationship?

Alan

Don't be silly... I'm already involved with you.

Denny

You're damn right!

Denny

I must admit that the idea of a mother-daughter ménage à twaddle.

Alan

I think you mean trois.