Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

She loved me.

Alan

Well, you made her laugh.

I'm funny.

Alan

Are you telling me this handwritten will is valid?

Completely. It turns out Ms. Winger is also a lawyer.

The plot thickens.

Excuse me. [drags Alan away] I just wanted to tell you that what you said to me last night was truly...disgusting.

Alan

Hm. And I assure you, Denise, I'm a man of my word.

Alan

Denise, you've always struck me as a woman who secretly longs to be debased. It's an awfully big job. But I feel I'm just the man to... do it.

Don't stop. I'm curious to see just how low you'll go.

Alan

All the way down. Again. And again. I see the filthy, naughty girl deep inside you, Denise, longing to get out. Now, if you're so unwilling to let her out, perhaps I should go in after her. I brought my snorkel.

Alan

Denise, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with Shirley. I happen to know sometimes grief can trigger the libido. It's got something to do with death causing a biological need to propagate the species. Evidently after 9-11, people were running around like rabbits.

Really? I did not know that.

Alan

If I could ever be of service...to help you cope.

Alan

Erica, before I pick up the phone, is there anything else I need to know?

Like?

Alan

Anything that could be construed as relevant.

Well. We were lovers.

Alan

That would be relevant.

Alan

Let me see your underwear, Denise.

Get out.

Jerry

[to himself] You can do it. You can do it.

Alan

Jerry, do it now.

Denny

Gotta remember: Before I open my mouth, always look both ways for midgets.

Alan

[chuckles] That's a good policy.

Denny

When is the trial?

Alan

Next Tuesday.

Denny

Really? What time?

Alan

10.

Bethany

I need to speak with you... [notices Alan] ...privately.

Denny

Anything you want to say to me can be said in front of him.

Alan

We're married.

Jerry

When I was in law school, my dream wasn't so much the big trial as... well, I guess this. Having a drink at the end of the day with co-counsel, battle-weary, rehashing the day, discussing strategy. The whole socialization of lawyering that... well, until now, I've never experienced. It's a rich feeling, whatever it is.

Alan

It's called friendship.

Alan

To friendship, my colleague.

My apologies.

Alan

Renee, looking well.

I'm glad. It's a goal.

Alan

Coping okay with your...tragic loss?

Denny

My murder case went away. You've still got yours. It just doesn't seem fair.

Alan

Nutty Lincoln didn't whack the judge?

Alan

Ready?

Jerry

I'm ready. I actually feel... calm. Of course, I'm medicated but... [smiles at his own joke]

Denny

Right on my balcony.

Alan

It is not what you think.

Denny

I saw you. I heard you.

Alan

We were just talking.

Alan

Oh dear.