Denny Crane quotes from Boston Legal

Denny

Alan, Bev is the woman I've always dreamed of. An angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.

Alan

I think it's the other way around.

Denny

Not last night.

Alan

I didn't see you on the balcony the other night.

Denny

Bev and I had something to do...then we did it again.

Denny

Daniel!

Denny!

Denny

Lookin' good.

Thank you. You wanna come to my funeral?

Denny

Oh, funerals are sad.

Well, this one'll be fun.

Denny

Count me in!

Tomorrow night.

Denny

No can do, busy... Rain check?

[pauses] ...Absolutely.

Denny

[nods to Denise] He's a keeper! [walks off]

Denny's great.

Yep.

He doesn't hear a thing anyone says, does he?

Nope.

Alan

Oh, look, it's me!

Denny

I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!

Denny Crane

Brad's the best. I just made him partner.

Denny, I want reassurance.

Denny Crane

The man served in the Gulf War. The one that turned out okay. He was top of his class at West Point and Harvard Law School. I'd put my own life in his hands.

Alan

Denny, I refuse to shoot you.

Denny Crane

You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?

Alan

Where would we be...

Denny

I wonder if sometimes I get married just to have someone listen to my stories again.

Alan

Not a terrible reason.

Denny

You never talk about your wife. What was she like?

Alan

She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.

Denny

Sounds spectacular. What happened?

Alan

She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.

Denny? I love you. But, I love Hawaii more.

Denny

Well, you'll be the one that got away from Denny Crane. That makes you a large fish in a very small pond.

Denny

While everyone was whining about Bev, you were actually trying to take her out. I admire that. You have very large testicles, my friend.

Well. Thank you Denny, I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.

Denny

It's not my opinion. I saw you in the shower at the gym. Good God!

Paul

You had sex with another woman and your wife in the three hours you were married?

Denny

It was my special day. I had taken my little blue pill.

Shirley

There is no cure for cancer, but we've got three pills for that.

Alan

…You're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.

Denny

Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.

Alan

Denny, you're generous to a fault.

Denny Crane

Ahhh. I wish you and I were getting married. That's you and I. Both of us. To others. I'm not gay.

Alan

I heard you the first Freudian slip.

Denny Crane

Brad. Mr Granger chuckles. There'll be no divorce.

I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane

Bev and I had an agreement. When we first got together she told me that I could sleep with whomever I wanted. Delmonico's Restaurant. January 14th. Happiest night of my life. So I had sex with another woman. Or a Navy Burberry. Not sure which. But the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat and I exercised that right. No divorce.

Denny Crane

Thank you, Brad, for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. You're fired.

He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.

Shirley

Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!

Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.