Denny Crane quotes from Boston Legal

Denny

Welcome, to Boston Legal.

Claire

Jeffrey, the gross man is fondling me.

Denny

It's the official firm greeting.

Denny

Cue the music.

Alan

Shirley, the truth is I only took this case to be in court with you. I enjoy your company. So, if I can't join you on cases, I'll just have to oppose you. Or I could just oppose you right now against the wall. That would certainly make me happy.

Denny

Bethany, Brad'll be your point-man here, if you need anything go to him. If you're not satisfied... you come to me.

Denny

One meeting.

Bethany

In these offices. I'll call it even.

Denny

Not quite. One condition. Take off your clothes.

Bethany

What!

Denny

Oh come on. That was the initial plan. We hit it off, eventually we get together, naked. Take off your clothes. Let me see that little package.

Bethany

You are the most disgusting, vulgar human being I have ever met.

Denny

You're right... Just the top then?

Denny

A meeting? Would I have to talk?

Bethany

You're much more impressive when you don't.

Denny

[about Bethany suing Denny] What do you mean she won't drop it?

Claire

She's hurt. My advice is if really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt.

Denny

Do you do that?

Claire

Never.

Denny

You want a war? You get a war.

Bethany

You fat old man.

Denny

Bring it on, small fry!

Paul

My God, we need to gag this woman.

Denny

I did once. Best sexual experience of my life.

Alan

Shouldn't we pee in a cup first? I don't trust his testosterone levels.

Denny

Mine's naturally high.

Alan

My friend, one of my goals in life is to go to all the places you've gone.

Denny

Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.

Alan

If I should ever like to drive your car...

Denny

I toss you my keys.

Alan

If I should ever need any money...

Denny

My check is blank.

Alan

Or need to pick your brain...

Denny

My mind is blank.

Alan

Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.

Denny

Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.

Alan

Denny, I... Why do you have clothes pins on your ears?

Denny

Personal.

Denny

It's sexual this ear pinch.

Bethany

Yes. Pinching the ear gives you blood flow. When's the last time you got that without taking a pill?

Paul

Denny, you have got to gag this woman.

Denny

I would love to.

Denny

You know the old joke, Alan? Man shows up at the Pearly Gates, sees this guy in a pin stripe suit, and a briefcase, a cigar, prancing about. He says to Saint Peter, 'who's that guy?' Saint Peter says 'ahhh, that's just God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.'

Alan

Denny, what would you do if you actually met God one day?

Denny

I'd probably take him fishing.

Alan

Indeed.

Denny

He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.

Alan

Indeed again.

Denny

What are you looking for? Serious relationship?

Alan

Don't be silly... I'm already involved with you.

Denny

You're damn right!

Denny

I must admit that the idea of a mother-daughter ménage à twaddle.

Alan

I think you mean trois.