Denny Crane quotes from Boston Legal

I've had enough of all this. Mr. Crane, you've had no excuse to be carrying a gun.

Denny

2nd Amendment. Founding Fathers. You probably knew them.

Denny

Are we setting a bad example? I shoot people.

Alan

I bribe them.

Denny

We drink.

Alan

We smoke.

Denny

I'm unfaithful.

Alan

Not to me.

Denny

Never to you.

Alan

We're not setting examples. We're just being true to who we are.

Denny

Who are we?

Alan

Denny Crane.

Denny

Alan Shore.

Alan

Leaders of men.

Denny

With bull's eyes on our asses.

Denny

Yes your honor, he gets me off, I get him off.

Alan

We're flamingos.

Denny

Don't ask, don't tell.

Denny

(Closing Argument) Who the hell are we kidding? Defense Attorneys make their living helping their clients get away with murder. We put rapists back on the streets knowing they're gonna rape again. Let's not pretend that we don't aid and abet crime. But the key is: Make sure we cover our asses. Defense attorneys do that better than anybody. Now, Alan Shore covered his. He knew he couldn't legally advise Mr. Mkeba to run, and he expressly told him he couldn't give him such advice. Did Mr. Mkeba get the message anyway? Sure, but technically, Alan Shore didn't break the law. Ass covered, over and out. Not guilty, simple as that. Oh, and here's another thing about asses: (Turns to District Attorney Kupfer) Not you, we'll get to you in a second. If you have a lot of success against the D.A.'s office, and Alan Shore's had a lot. Especially against this putz, beats him every time.

Objection.

Sustained. Mr. Crane.

Denny

I'm sorry, Your Honor. Too much success, and eventually, you get a giant bullseye painted on your bottom. (Pulls down pants, revealing bullseye painted on his boxers)

Objection!

Sustained! Mr. Crane!

Denny

I'm just trying to make a point, your honor. (To jury) Alan Shore, was the target. He has a bigger bullseye on his ass than I have on mine. And this man, Douglas Kupfer, is aiming for it! He said he wanted to stab him. That's subtle. There's a vendetta. He wants my client, anyway he can get him, and that's the only reason we're here. Reasonable doubt? You all know that. Last name Crane. First name Denny. Not Guilty! Over and out.

Even though it's legal in Nepal, our clinic made the decision not to in order to receive US funding. However, we hung up a poster that said, “We Believe That A Woman Has A Right To Control Her Own Body.”

Denny Crane

Objection - misleading. Women can't control their bodies. They're either menstruating or lactating.

Denny Crane

This is completely disrespectful. You don't come home to papa by suing his government.

Donny Crane

Someone has to, Dad. Our policy is denying thousands of people life-saving medical care, based on the personal religious views of our leader. Nothing says democracy like imperialism.

Denny Crane

Why can't you for once come to town and we just toss the pigskin? That's American.

Denny Crane

Alright. What are we doing in Mexico?

That's where President Reagan first enacted the policy in 1984. He enacted it as a reaction to forced abortions in China as a means of population control.

Denny Crane

Chinese, Mexican… [to jury] Who's getting hungry?

Donny Crane

So don't you find it curious that in our Administration's quest to stop abortion, we're actually restricting free speech which is a hallmark of democracy?

Denny Crane

Objection. Irrelevant and unpatriotic.

Denny

Shirley, this is a sweeps episode.

Shirley

I'm not kissing you.

Alan

To next season, my friend.

Denny

Same night?

Alan

God, I hope.

Alan

There used to be a day when the pandering in our society was reserved for…

Denny

Politicians?

Alan

[laughs] Maybe that's what bothers me. Hollywood has sunk to the level of Congress.

Alan

To more travels, Denny.

Denny

To the mountains…

Alan

Prairies…

Denny

Whores…

Alan

America the beautiful.

Mr Crane? I need you to stop staring at me like that.

Denny Crane

Of course. Marry me.

I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane

Your fifteen minutes are almost up. Mine has lasted a lifetime. [to Barry] Tell her.

Marry him.

Alan

[Referring to Jerry's legal problems and infatuation with a doll] I've got to get him help. My God, if you saw the way he hugged her.

Denny

Is she cute?

Alan

Denny, its a doll.

Denny

Oh, come on, don't tell me you've never gone to town with a doll.

Alan

[laughs] No, as a matter of fact. [pause] Have you?

Alan

Denny...

Denny

Well, not just any doll. Well, I mean I'm not... ah, what's the word?

Alan

Peculiar?

Denny

But I suppose I've been with... a special doll.

Alan

Would I like her?

Denny

You want to meet her?

Denny

Well, well, well, well, well. If you're a client, I'll get you off; if you're not... the offer's still there.

Claire

Okay, ick... and double ick.