Denny Crane quotes from Boston Legal

Jeffrey

Denny. Seen Shirley?

Denny

Why?

Jeffrey

She was gonna meet me.

Denny

Why?

Jeffrey

We had some business to discuss.

Denny

What sort of business?

Jeffrey

The kind that wasn't yours, actually.

Denny

I told Alan, I'm telling you. Stay away from Shirley.

Denny

[to Claire] You said I'd like him. He's an attention-starved wacko fairy. He couldn't kill anyone.

Lincoln

I heard that! I'm getting tired of you, Large Marge. You remind me of Mr. Dirty Mouth. That's what you do.

What's the infield fly rule?

Lincoln

I haven't the slightest. Does it involve a zipper?

Denny

[to Claire] I bet he's more familiar with a zipper than he is with baseball.

Claire

[deadpan] Really?

Denny

Well. Shall we pick up where we left off, my little friend?

Bethany

Forget it.

Denny

Why?

Bethany

Because one of the rules I try to follow in my social life is, 'don't date guys who slept with my mother.'

Denny

Gotta remember: Before I open my mouth, always look both ways for midgets.

Alan

[chuckles] That's a good policy.

Our breakup was very painful for me.

Denny

Me too, twelve stitches.

Denny

When is the trial?

Alan

Next Tuesday.

Denny

Really? What time?

Alan

10.

Bethany

I need to speak with you... [notices Alan] ...privately.

Denny

Anything you want to say to me can be said in front of him.

Alan

We're married.

Denny

My murder case went away. You've still got yours. It just doesn't seem fair.

Alan

Nutty Lincoln didn't whack the judge?

Denny

Right on my balcony.

Alan

It is not what you think.

Denny

I saw you. I heard you.

Alan

We were just talking.

Alan

Oh dear.

Alan

Denny, where is that doll?

Denny

The police took her in for questioning.

Alan

Shirley Schmidt-ho?

Denny

She'll be back.

Paul

Have you seen Shirley?

Denny

Naked?

Paul

Lately. She's missing.

Alan

I think we've just had our first three-way.

Denny

It didn't look like Shirley enjoyed it as much as we did. You know, she tasted differently than I remember...

Alan

[chuckles] That's because it was my slobber on her mouth, Denny. We've finally exchanged bodily fluids.

Denny

[quickly downs his glass of wine] Blech!

Denny

Objection. Your Honor, she's being...objectionable!

Sustained.

I guess we'll see each other in court.

Denny

[under his breath] Not if you turn sideways.