[shouts from outside] HUMBUG! HUMBUG! [enters his shop, holding a paper bag of humbug sweets] Humbug, Mr. Baldrick?
Oh, thank you very much.
Well, I've got all the presents.
And I've nearly finished the Christmas cards.
Oh, splendid! Let's see..."A Very Messy Christmas". I'm sorry, Mr. Baldrick, shouldn't that be 'Merry'?
"A Merry, Messy Christmas"? Alright, but the main thing is it should be messy - messy cake, soggy pudding, great big wet kisses under the mistletoe.
Yes. I do fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way you're likely to get a big wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet. Be that as it may, A Merry, Messy Christmas. "Christmas" has an 'H' in it, Mr Baldrick.
Oh.
And an 'R'. And an 'I', and an 'S'. Also a 'T', an 'M', an 'A', and another 'S'. Oh, and you've missed out the 'C' at the beginning. Congratulations, Mr. Baldrick, something of a triumph, I believe. You must be the first person ever to spell "Christmas" without getting any of the letters right at all.
Well, I was a bit rushed. I've been helping out with the Workhouse Nativity Play.
Oh, of course! How did it go?
Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!
Oh dear. This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's entertainment. What on earth did you do?
Got another Jesus.
Oh, thank goodness. And his name?
Spot. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.
Oh dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind if all Jesus had ever said was 'Woof'.
Well, it went alright 'til the shepherds came on. See, we hadn't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool-
On some other dogs.
Right. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away! While the angel's singing, Jesus scampers across the floor and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggyback ride.
Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr Baldrick. Weren't the children upset?
Nah, they loved it. They want us to do another one at Easter - they want to see us nail up the dog.
Ah, the playful young scamps, eh? Still, what a lovely thought it is: at this very moment, all over the country, from the highest to the lowest, through those charming plump folks somewhere in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.
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