Prince Ludwig quotes from Blackadder

Prince Ludwig

[laughs evily; to the audience] Now this is the disguise I'm going to really enjoy, if I could just get the voice right.

Prince Ludwig

Forgive me, Herr Blackadder...I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my apple-ogies.

I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

Prince Ludwig

I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you.

It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience me.

Prince Ludwig

Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.

Prince Ludwig

Let me assure you, Herr Blackadder: if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.

Yes, well, enough of this banter. Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

Prince Ludwig

You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Prince Ludwig

Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the Old Pizzle in Dover?

My God!

Prince Ludwig

Yes! I was the waitress.

I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?

Prince Ludwig

[falsetto] `Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'

But I went to bed with you, didn't I?

Prince Ludwig

For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!

Prince Ludwig

Indeed you were, "Mr. Floppy".

Prince Ludwig

Lord Melchett, we meet again.

No, I don't think we had the pleasure.

Prince Ludwig

You do not recognise me then?

...No.

Prince Ludwig

Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Cornwall at the Monastery, there was an old shepard with whom you used to talk?

Good Lord, Jenkins?

Prince Ludwig

Yes. I was one of his sheep!

One of his sheep? [realises what Ludwig is implying] Not...

Prince Ludwig

Yes!

Flossy?!

Prince Ludwig

Yes!

But, didn't we...?!

Prince Ludwig

Yes Lord Melchett! [bleats loudly like a sheep]

Oh my god!

Prince Ludwig

[reading the Queen's reply to his ransom letter] After long and careful deliberation, the Qveen has decided to spend the ransom money on...

"...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy jolly time, and try to forget both of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"

What?!

Prince Ludwig

"Hope you're not too miffed. Bye-ee!"

Prince Ludwig

My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will ewentually die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your needs. With your information, gentlemen, I intend to overthrow your qveen and country. The Master of Disguise will become The Master of the World!

Yes, one thing, Ludwig, just before you go?

Prince Ludwig

Yes?

Were you ever bullied at school?

Prince Ludwig

What do you mean?

Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.

Prince Ludwig

Nonsense. No, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.

I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts all the way up to your final year.

Prince Ludwig

[fed up] Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me "Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot" again! [leaves]

Touched a nerve there, I think.

What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?!

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Really?

Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should have no trouble overcoming the guards. Germans are sticklers for efficiency, and I've been watching their routine. I have selected the moment when they are at their most vulnerable. That is when we will attack.

Brilliant! How?

That is the most cunning bit.

Prince Ludwig

Ah, Qveen Elizabeth, we meet again.

Um, I don't think so, actually.

Prince Ludwig

Yes, you remember when you were young, and your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yards?

[embarrassed] Yes, yes!

Prince Ludwig

I...I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.

[shocked] No!

Prince Ludwig

Yes!

You?

Prince Ludwig

Uh-huh!

Shorty-Greasy-Spot-Spot?

Prince Ludwig

NO! No, no, no! You will, all of you, regret the day that you ever mocked my complexion! I shall return and wreak my rewengee! [leaves]

You will die and be dead! [throws a knife at Ludwig offscreen]

Prince Ludwig

[offscreen] Oh!