Baldrick, where's the manuscript?
You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Yes, Baldrick, the manuscript belonging to Doctor Johnson.
You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?
Yes, Baldrick, Doctor Johnson.
So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belong to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?
Yes, Baldrick, I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted boney thing with five toes on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers. For the last time, Baldrick, where is Doctor Johnson's manuscript?
On the fire.
[shocked] On the what?
The hot orangey thing under the stoney mantlepiece.
[enraged] You've burnt the dictionary?!
Yup!
You've burnt the life's work of England's foremost man of letters?!
Well, you did say 'burn any old rubbish.'
[calmly remembers] Yes. Fine.
Isn't it, uh - isn't it going to be a bit difficult for me to patronize this book if we've burnt it?
[pause] Yes, it is, sir. But if you would excuse me a moment...
Of course, of course! Now that I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers!
Baldrick, would you join me in the vestibule? [the pair leave the room, and he closes the doors behind him; immediately after doing so, he forcefully and firmly grabs Baldrick by the shoulders, and pushes him down the length of the hallway] We are going to go to Mrs. Miggins, we're going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of that dictionary, and then you are going to steal it.
Me?
Yes, you.
Why me?
Because you burnt it, Baldrick!
But then I'll go to hell forever for stealing.
Baldrick, believe me: eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... [produces a pencil from his coat]...and this pencil...if we can't replace this dictionary. Now, come on...
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