“Oh, Blackadder! BLACKADDER!” – Prince George

[waking suddenly] Oh, Blackadder! BLACKADDER! [Blackadder walks in]

[enters with the tray] Your Highness?

What time is it?!

Three o'clock in the afternoon, sire.

[relieved] Oh thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept!

I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir?

Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey!

An absurd suggestion, sir.

You're right, it is absurd.

Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.

See, if only I'd thought of that.

It is all too often, sir, that one thinks of what one should have said long after he might have said it. Sir Thomas More, for instance, beheaded for refusing to recant his Catholicism, must have been kicking himself as the axe came down that it never occurred to him to say "I recant my Catholicism."

Yes. Only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger. And it wasn't until ages later that I thought how clever it would have been to have said "Oh, bugger off, you old fart!". I want to improve my mind, Blackadder. I want people to say "That George, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill!".

And how do you suggest this miracle be achieved, sir?

Easy. I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England. That renowned brain-box, Doctor Samuel Johnson, has asked me to be patron of his new book, and I intend to accept.

Would this be the long-awaited dictionary?

Who cares what it's called, as long as it's got plenty of juicy murders. I hear it's a masterpiece.

No, sir. It's the most pointless book since How To Learn French was translated into French.

You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you, Blackadder?

Not at all, sir. In fact, I had never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.

But you do think he's a genius, don't you?

No, sir, I do not. Unless, of course, the definition of 'genius' in his ridiculous dictionary is "A fat dullard or wobblebottom. A pompous ass with sweaty dew flaps."

Close shave there, then. Lucky you warned me, Blackadder. I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.

I am delighted to have been instrumental in keeping your bosom free of arses.

Bravo. Don't want to waste my time with wobblebottoms. Fetch some tea, will you?

Yes, sir.

Oh, and make it two cups, would you? That splendid brain-box, Doctor Johnson, is coming over.

Certainly, sir.