Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, Butt-head! There's a chick back there in the window; I think she's naked!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! No she's not!

Beavis

Oh, OK.

Dark voices are talking to me...

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, that guy says he hears dark voices in his head.

Beavis

Oh really? I hear voices too, but it's like, usually they're white guys. Sometimes it's, like, you know, a Chinese dude too, that talks to me. And a couple of Mexicans.

Butt-head

Really? What does the Chinese guy say?

Beavis

He says [high-pitched Chinese accent] "Pull down your pants. Spank your monkey."

Butt-head

And what does the white guy say?

Beavis

The same thing. But he talks just like me.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, come on! Here we go! Hit it! Come on, smash it! Smash it! COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? SMASH IT!

Butt-head

Settle down, Beavis! This is a video. Anytime you see a cake and a baseball bat in the same video, the cake's gonna get his ass kicked.

Beavis

Yeah, but why's he waiting so long? Come on, come on, BREAK IT! SMASH IT! Where's the cake? Where's that damn cake? Let me see it!

Butt-head

You dumbass.

Butt-head

I don't see what the big deal is about breaking up. I just, like say "Hey baby...get lost. You know, we can like...still do it and stuff but, uh, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

Beavis

Shut up! Here it comes! [Gordon Gano smashes the cakes with a baseball bat] YEAH!

Butt-head

Yes! See? Told you, buttmunch!

Everytime I try to sleep, I have nightmares...

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, I had this nightmare last night, that like, everything sucked. It was really scary.

Butt-head

But Beavis, Everything DOES suck. [Dramatic shock sound effect plays]

Beavis

AH!

Butt-head

Take it easy, Beavis. It really sucks when you do that. [Sound effect plays again]

Beavis

AH! NO!

Butt-head

Cut it out, Beavis! You know what, I bet these guys went to college and stuff.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. I bet they like, paid attention too.

Butt-head

Yeah, and you know one thing about college, Beavis?

Beavis

Yeah, it sucks. [Sound effect plays again] AH! AAAAAHHHHH!

Butt-head

That was cool.

Beavis

No it wasn't.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, you know what sucks? [Sound effect plays again]

Beavis

AH! NO!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! I haven't even told you yet.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

Everytime you do that, it sucks! [Sound effect plays again]

Beavis

AAAAAAAHHH! NO!

Beavis

Check it out, Butt-head! It's the Noid.

Butt-head

Cool! The Noid is cool.

Beavis

Avoid the Noid! Avoid the Noid! I like to say that. Avoid the Noid!

Butt-head

Uh ... wait a minute, that's not the Noid. That's Satan.

Butt-head

Check it out, Beavis!

Beavis

Yeah. It's like, this guy's a pretty good singer.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, he can't write songs but he sure can sing.

Butt-head

This video's cool because it's like, doing something that they haven't done before.

Beavis

What do you mean? Like, like, um... one of those uvulas?

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, they never played a uvula under the table before.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Whoa, check it out, Butt-head, turds! Did you see that? Turds! Turds! Turds!

Butt-head

Uh... where?

Beavis

Um...

Butt-head

You know, if I was Satan, I would like, get a mountain bike.

Beavis

Yeah, like a really cool skateboard.

Butt-head

Yeah. Then some chicks.

Beavis

Yeah! That would be cool.

Beavis

Oh look, it's the turds again. Turds!

Butt-head

Where?

Beavis

Right there! He was riding around some turds, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Really?

Beavis

They're right there on the ground! He's like, riding around some turds.

Butt-head

Satan always likes to have some turds by.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. He is Satan.

I don't wanna see you...

Beavis

I don't wanna see you either!

Butt-head

Yeah, really.

Beavis

Um, change the channel, come on Butt-head, or turn it off, or something.

Butt-head

Uhh, there's nothing else on.

Beavis

What happened to those cards?

Butt-head

Uhh, they're right here.

Beavis

Come on, let's play another round. I wanna win my two dollars back.

Butt-head

Uhh, okay. This game is called "Bunghole Surprise". [shuffles the cards]

Beavis

Cool!

Butt-head

First you take your cards, and then you, like, tell me what you have.

Beavis

Um, okay. [cut back to Beavis and Butt-head. The pair have now started their card game] I have two eights, and a nine, and a three, and a chick.

Butt-head

Uhh, okay. Dumbass. Uhh, okay, I'm gonna, like, get five new cards. Uhh, I bet eighteen dollars. And I won. So you owe me eighteen dollars, bunghole.

Beavis

No way, that's too much! I don't wanna play this anymore!

Butt-head

Uhh, okay. You don't wanna play, we'll just watch this video.

Beavis

Ah, no! Okay, I'll play. Um...okay, eighteen dollars.

Butt-head

Uhh, okay. I won.

Beavis

Dammit, really? How come I keep losing? I never win!

Butt-head

Uhh...who is this?

Beavis

His name is...I've seen this before...his name is Mike Watt. And later on, he pours a bottle of urine out the window. So don't change it yet.

Butt-head

Uhh, oh. Cool. [sees Watt urinating in a bottle] Is he peeing?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, he did! That's the name of this song. It's called "Piss Bottle Man".

Butt-head

That's pretty cool, I guess.

Beavis

Later on, this guy gets abducted by aliens. Hey Butt-head, do you believe in aliens?

Butt-head

I believe in illegal aliens.

Beavis

I believe in Mexicans.

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis. You're supposed to call them "Hispandex".

Beavis

You know what would be funny, if he changed his name, you know, instead of Mike Watt, he would change his last name to Hunt?

Butt-head

Uh...why would that be funny?

Beavis

...I don't know, actually.

Butt-head

Dumbass.

Beavis

Whoa, hey, check it out. I think that's that bell that they, like, taught us about in history class, where they like, rang it, and then put a big crack in it.

Butt-head

No, Beavis. You're thinking of Bible class, when they talked about how God created the butt.

Beavis

Oh yeah. And then he created poop.

Butt-head

That's in that Doo-doo-ronemy section.

Beavis

The Bible kicks ass.

Beavis

Hey, check it out. It's Dean and Gene Ween.

Butt-head

Ween.

Beavis

Ween kicks ass.

Butt-head

Yeah. This is kinda groovy.

Beavis

[screeches] Freedom! Yeah, this is kinda groovy.