Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

This is mall music.

Butt-head

Yeah. She has to play in a mall because she sucks.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis, who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson?

Beavis

Debbie Gibson would kick her butt. She'd kick her!

Butt-head

She should join a gang, like Wilson Phillips.

Beavis

Yeah. Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?

Butt-head

Uh...you're the expert, Beavis.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

One chick from L7 alone could kick all of their asses combined.

Beavis

[singing along] Make up your mind…

Butt-head

I already made up my mind; this sucks.

Beavis

Well, now, come on, give it a chance.

Beavis

Whoa, is that a body?

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah I think so.

Beavis

You think they killed somebody just to make this video?

Butt-head

They should have killed the people who made it.

Beavis

I wonder what that would be like, you know, to die.

Butt-head

Uhh, well, you're gonna find out someday.

Beavis

[imitating Cornholio] Are you threatening me? I will never die.

Butt-head

No, I'm serious, Beavis. It's like, you know, you start to get all old and stuff.

Beavis

Yeah, really? What else?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think you start, like, losing control of your wee-wee.

Beavis

Uhh, what else?

Butt-head

Uhh, then you, like, start pooping a lot, and you, like, lose the grip of your butt.

Beavis

AHHH, I'M GONNA DIE!!!

Butt-head

Yeah. You're old.

Beavis

So, um, Butt-head, what would do, like, if I died?

Butt-head

I'd probably, like, move over to the middle of the couch. It's more comfortable.

Butt-head

Uhh...uhh...hey, it's that dude.

Beavis

What dude?

Butt-head

You know, that pilot dude. That one who was like, in a plane and he got shot down over Bogna-Hersnaslovignia. And he's like, a hero and stuff cause he killed all his enemies, and then he lived off bugs for a whole year.

Beavis

He lived off BUGS???

Butt-head

Yeah. That was all he could get to eat, because like, you know, it was somewhere over in Europe, and they don't have Burger World.

Beavis

Wow, that's cool, you know, because I've gone for a few days like that, you know, but then I usually have some nachos and stuff in between meals, so it doesn't really count.

But a brother like me begun, to be another one...

Butt-head

Uhh, she just called herself a brother.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, I mean, she's calling herself a brother, and she's not a dude, and she's not even black!

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah she is. She's like, you know, one of the Cosby kids.

Beavis

Ohh. So I guess...oh yeah, she is black.

Butt-head

I think the message of this video is like, that the army kicks ass.

Beavis

Yeah. "Today's army trains you with the skills you need to get ahead in today's world!"

Butt-head

Zip him back up. He sucks.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, give him a chance.

Butt-head

They shouldn't give anybody a chance to suck.

Beavis

How come these guys are acting so happy? They're about to get their wiener chopped off.

Butt-head

Uhh, what makes you think they're gonna get their wieners chopped off, Beavis?

Beavis

I dunno, isn't that what happens when you have an operation?

Butt-head

Boy, I tell ya, Beavis, you're a stupid son of a bitch. And your mother's a whore.

Beavis

My mom's a slut, she doesn't charge for it, bunghole, and I'm not stupid!

Beavis

So like, what are some other operations?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think you can have like, uh, your tubes tied.

Beavis

What does that mean?

Butt-head

I think it's like, you have your tubes tied, and then it means you can just go do it anytime you want.

Beavis

Wow. I wanna get that operation. Because I wanna do it right now! I always wanna do it.

Butt-head

Uh, I think you have to have, like, a lot of money. And then I think you also need a chick.

Beavis

Oh, I knew it, see, there's always something, see? There's always some reason why I can't score. Dammit.

Beavis

Whoa check it out, they got some of that Keeyotepcate up there, up above that guy's hands.

Butt-head

Uhhh...oh yeah, that is Kaotepkate.

Beavis

Y'know, um...that stuff, y'know, like, tastes really bad, and um, it's expensive. But then it doesn't really work.

Butt-head

Uh, really?

Beavis

It's supposed to be for diarrhea. So I took it for a whole week, and I never got diarrhea.

Butt-head

Beavis...

Beavis

Then about four days later, this brick pooped out of my butt.

Butt-head

Cool.

Beavis

It was pretty cool. It was like, really big...I can show it to you if you want.

Butt-head

You still have it?

Beavis

Oh yeah, I still have it. It's in my underwear drawer.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear any of this.

Beavis

Why?

Butt-head

Boner is pretty cool sometimes.

Beavis

That's because he has a cool name.

Butt-head

I bet when he was little, his mom used to say "Boner, come to dinner!"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! She'd say "Boner! Boner! Time for dinner! We're having beanies and weenies! And tacos, and nachos! And fajitas!"

Butt-head

Then in the morning, she'd turn to Boner's dad, and say "Is Boner up yet?"

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. "Boner! Boner! Get up, Boner!"

Butt-head

And then, like, when his dad went to PTA meetings, the teachers would say "Your son sure does sing well" and he'd say "That's my Boner."

Beavis

Yeah. BONER!!!

Butt-head

That's a cool name. You know who has a really stupid name, though? The Edge.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! The Edge. What is that?

Butt-head

That's stupid.

Beavis

Look! Look!

Butt-head

Yeah. Vanilla Ice.

Beavis

You know, um, they're always, like, putting this guy down and you know, making fun of him and saying he sucks and stuff. But you know, um he really does suck. And this is one of those times where everybody's right. You know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

Are you just trying to say that this sucks, Beavis?

Beavis

Sometimes you have a way with words.

Beavis

Are you gonna change the channel, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Why bother? All we seem to get on this TV is bad videos

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

There's like, three things wrong with this video. One, this dude sucks. And, uhh…three, he's trying to rap a love song.

Beavis

You know, um…if this was a real rap song about love, he'd be saying “We have no love for hoes.”

Butt-head

Yeah. He'd be like, “I don't love you hoes, I'm out the doe” (door)