Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

You know, I wasn't feeling very good when this song started...um, I feel pretty good now! Feeling pretty happy; shiny.

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! You're a miserable piece of crap.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I'm happier than you.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis! You're miserable because nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything...

Beavis

Yeah, but um, I'm hung like a horse!

Beavis

Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.

Butt-head

Yeah. Let's get a little mellow.

Beavis

Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

Butt-head

Hey, that looks like that dude...uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.

Beavis

Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?

Butt-head

Uhh...yeah, what is his name?

Beavis

Dammit...he's always going, "I must say,"

Butt-head

And then he's always saying he's gonna be on Wheel of Fortune, and he's, like, all into Pat Sajak. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?

Beavis

No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.

Butt-head

Uhh, sure. [slaps Beavis several times]

Beavis

AHH! OWW!! Um...Ed Grimley!

Butt-head

Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.

Beavis

You hit me?

Butt-head

Yeah. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAHHHH!!!

Beavis

Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

Beavis

Woah. Is she Chinese?

Butt-head

I think that's that Connie Schlong chick that called the president's mom a bitch on TV.

Beavis

How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?

Butt-head

Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.

Beavis

Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them.

Butt-head

I have one of those coats in my closet right now.

Beavis

You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Isn't she already easy enough?

Beavis

Enough!

Beavis

Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.

Butt-head

[humoring him] Okay, Beavis.

Beavis

You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah.

Beavis

Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.

Butt-head

Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

Butt-head

Uh, that looks kinda like Conan O'Brien.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong.

Butt-head

Uh, no. You're thinking of me, Beavis.

Beavis

No. I was thinking of me, actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Beavis

[seeing a man milking a cow] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!

Butt-head

No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.

Beavis

Um...you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??

Butt-head

No, you squeeze its boobs!

Beavis

Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it.

Butt-head

I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.

Beavis

Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [Beavis lets his jaw hang open] This feels kinda good.

Butt-head

Maybe I'll try it. [Butt-head lets his jaw hang open] This is pretty cool.

Butt-head

You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own cud.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.

Beavis

Well, um, was I there?

Butt-head

Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

Butt-head

Uhh, where are the drums?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.

Butt-head

Uhh, maybe this is rap.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.

Butt-head

Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.

Butt-head

Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?

Beavis

Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!

Butt-head

No it's not.

Beavis

Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!

Butt-head

No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.

Butt-head

Oh yeah! I think that was him!

But I'm a substitute...

Beavis

Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!

Butt-head

No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?

Beavis

Oh yeah, [a painting of Kojak is shown for a split second] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?

Butt-head

Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.

Butt-head

Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!

Beavis

Oh yeah, she's a slut!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And that chick from White Zombie! Yeah!

Butt-head

Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.

Beavis

What's he doing in this video?

Butt-head

He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!

Beavis

Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!

Butt-head

Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!

Beavis

Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!

Butt-head

Yeah, he says: [disoriented] "Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh."

Beavis

Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

Butt-head

Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--

Beavis

Aah, shut up Butt-head!

Butt-head

Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?

Beavis

I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Shut up!

Butt-head

Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh...my hand hitting your face again.

Beavis

Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.

Butt-head

Beavis, don't you ever tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.

Beavis

Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.

Beavis

[kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [walks away]

Butt-head

[In pain] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!