(Scoffs) Happiness.
Um...you said penis. I just thought I'd tell you that.
I know! Why do you think they call it happiness?
Oh yeah! Because when you're weiner's happy, you're happy.
“R”
In this episode: Smart Butt-head (24), Smart Beavis (24)
You know, I wasn't feeling very good when this song started...um, I feel pretty good now! Feeling pretty happy; shiny.
Shut up, Beavis! You're a miserable piece of crap.
Shut up, Butt-head! I'm happier than you.
No way, Beavis! You're miserable because nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything...
Yeah, but um, I'm hung like a horse!
Radiohead, Fake Plastic Trees
Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.
Yeah. Let's get a little mellow.
Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.
Hey, that looks like that dude...uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.
Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?
Uhh...yeah, what is his name?
Dammit...he's always going, "I must say,"
And then he's always saying he's gonna be on Wheel of Fortune, and he's, like, all into Pat Sajak. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?
No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.
Uhh, sure. [slaps Beavis several times]
AHH! OWW!! Um...Ed Grimley!
Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.
You hit me?
Yeah. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAHHHH!!!
Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!
Railroad Jerk, Rollerkoaster
Woah. Is she Chinese?
I think that's that Connie Schlong chick that called the president's mom a bitch on TV.
LSLead singer
But sex!
Butt sex?
How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?
Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.
Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them.
I have one of those coats in my closet right now.
You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.
Isn't she already easy enough?
Enough!
Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.
[humoring him] Okay, Beavis.
You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?
Uh, yeah.
Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.
Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.
Uh, that looks kinda like Conan O'Brien.
Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong.
Uh, no. You're thinking of me, Beavis.
No. I was thinking of me, actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
The Rake's Progress, I'll Talk My Way Out Of This One
[seeing a man milking a cow] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!
No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.
Um...you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??
No, you squeeze its boobs!
Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it.
I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.
Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [Beavis lets his jaw hang open] This feels kinda good.
Maybe I'll try it. [Butt-head lets his jaw hang open] This is pretty cool.
You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own cud.
Really?
Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.
Well, um, was I there?
Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.
Ramones, Substitute
[the video opens with a man giving a lecture]
Uhh, where are the drums?
Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.
Uhh, maybe this is rap.
Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.
Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.
Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.
Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.
No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?
Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!
No it's not.
Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!
No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.
Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.
Oh yeah! I think that was him!
JRJoey Ramone
But I'm a substitute...
Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!
No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?
Oh yeah, [a painting of Kojak is shown for a split second] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?
Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.
Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!
Oh yeah, she's a slut!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.