Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

[sings] American Woman!

Butt-head

They think they're bad cause they're walking slow.

Beavis

Check it out, Scotty. [imitates Scotty] Captain, she's breaking up! We can't hold out much longer! Get out your seat and jump around! Jump around!

Butt-head

[also imitating Scotty] Get out your seat and jump around. Jump around.

Beavis

These guys are like, it's like they're trying to be House of Pain.

Butt-head

Yeah. And the Beastie Boys, and uh, Goodfellas...

Beavis

And Resavore Dogs.

Butt-head

You know, if these dudes were as cool as they think they are, they'd be hanging out with chicks on a Saturday night.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, really. Or at least, like, watching TV or something. I wonder where these guys get these clothes?

Butt-head

Uh, you can get them at this place called Buy George down at the mall.

Beavis

No way, really? Cool.

Beavis

Who are these guys, anyway?

Butt-head

Uh, the Lordz of Brooklyn.

Beavis

I thought there was only one Lord. That's what they said in Sunday school.

Butt-head

You're thinking of, like, outer space, Beavis. That's where the lord lives.

Butt-head

I've seen this video before. It sucks.

Beavis

Wow! You know, I was just thinking the same thing, then you said it! You must, like, read minds or something.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah, I can do that. I have, like, ESP...N.

Beavis

Whoa, really? That's cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. I knew you were gonna say that.

Beavis

Wow. So what am I gonna say next?

Butt-head

You're gonna say "Yeah, huh huh huh huh"

Beavis

Yeah, heh heh. Wow! You did it again. That's cool!

Butt-head

I knew you were gonna say that, too.

Beavis

Okay, let's try it one more time. I'm gonna think about something.

Butt-head

Okay...ummm....mmmm...dammit Beavis! [slaps Beavis several times]

Beavis

Cut it out, butthole!

Butt-head

Don't ever think about that again.

Beavis

Wow, this is really cool. Okay, let me do it now. You think of something.

Butt-head

Okay.

Beavis

Um...are you thinking about...is it some flies?

Butt-head

No.

Beavis

Is it a suitcase of some kind?

Butt-head

No.

Beavis

Are you thinking you're gonna smack me?

Butt-head

No, but that's not a bad idea. [slaps Beavis several times]

Beavis

That's all you need anyway, is a beer, a chair, and a TV. I mean if I go through life and wind up never scoring, I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I just had a beer, a chair and a TV--

Butt-head

Beavis, you are NEVER going to score.

Beavis

I'm not saying I'll never score. I'm just saying, y'know, if that's the way it worked out, it wouldn't be too bad...well, no, it would suck, but it would be if I had a TV, and um...dammit! Nevermind.

Butt-head

You'll be lucky if you even drink a beer. You'll probably never have a chair either.

Beavis

This is gonna suck.

Butt-head

Whoa! She's got a small, furry animal in her mouth.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.

Butt-head

This chick was married to that dude who would punch you if you took his picture.

Beavis

Yeah...that Woody Allen dude.

Butt-head

No, assmunch! Woody Allen's the dude who went out with his daughter.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Hey Butt-head, if you were a chick, would you like, go out with your stepdad?

Butt-head

Uh...not if his name was Woody.

Beavis

Yeah. What if his name was Stiffy?

Butt-head

Uh...well...maybe. Stiffy Allen. Whoa! She's almost naked! That gives me a special feeling on my Woody Allen.

Beavis

You know, I sure would like to do Madonna.

Butt-head

Yeah, me too! I'd like to have sex with her. That would rule! Check it out. Madonna's always having sex with herself in these videos.

Beavis

Yeah, that's what I meant too. That would kick ass!

Butt-head

Madonna looks pretty normal here.

Beavis

Yeah, really. She just looks like a normal, white-haired old lady walking down the street to get some groceries. You know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

Uh...yeah. But, you know, for a white-haired old lady, she still looks pretty good.

Beavis

Oh yeah! You know, I'd do her...

Butt-head

Beavis, you'd do your old white-haired grandma if you had the chance.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! My grandma's got brown, kinda purple hair.

Butt-head

Madonna's always like...masturbating during her videos.

Beavis

Yeah, so am I!

Butt-head

Yeah, but like, when she masturbates, she's still doing it with Madonna, but when you spank your monkey, you're just having sex with Beavis!

Beavis

Well, little Beavis.

Beavis

Hey! No shirt, no shoes, no service!

Butt-head

Those are the rules! Now get the hell out of my store!

The housewife I will beat...

Beavis

The asswipe I will beat?

Butt-head

He didn't say asswipe, he said housewife.

Beavis

Sounded like asswipe to me, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Uh...who cares?

Beavis

Whoa! I think he's saying "Get your gun."

Butt-head

Uh...I think this is one of those "Stop the violence" things...you know, like enough is enough.

Beavis

You know, they really should um, stop the violence, because sometimes it hurts, you know? It's like, maybe you like, gave peace a chance, and like...[Butt-head smacks Beavis] OW! CUT IT OUT, BUTT-HEAD!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! I'm trying to watch this! [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] UUHH! Dammit, Beavis!

Beavis

Dammit Butt-head! I'm just trying to say, you know, that if they stopped the violence...[Butt-head slaps Beavis again]

Butt-head

Now quit acting like a damn wuss, Beavis, or I'm gonna get medieval on your ass!

Butt-head

Uh...boy, Cher has sure gone downhill.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, really! It's like, her boobs have gotten smaller, and she's like...all weird...

Butt-head

Yeah, but that's like, when you get old, you get this thing called mentopause, and like, your boobs go away, and like, your butt swells up...

Beavis

Whoa, really? You know, I think that might be happening to me, Butt-head!

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis, pull your pants up!