Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Check this out, Butt-head. I got a joke. This is really good. Knock knock!

Butt-head

Uh...who's there?

Beavis

Eura.

Butt-head

Eura who?

Beavis

You're a buttmunch! Dillhole! Dumbass! And a turd!

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis!

Beavis

I just made that up! I made that one up myself!

Butt-head

Okay, I have one. Knock knock!

Beavis

Who's there?

Butt-head

Uh...eura.

Beavis

Eura who?

Butt-head

You're ain...urine.

Beavis

I wonder what the rest of her body looks like? [the camera pans down to her legs] Oh yeah. Thank you very much.

Butt-head

Thank you, may I have another?

Butt-head

Uhh, what TV show is this chick on?

Beavis

Let's see, um, Family Ties, Full House, My Two Dads, Growing Pains, One Day At a Time...

Butt-head

Uh, no.

Beavis

Melrose Place, Northern Exposure, What's Happening!!, Good Times, Jeffersons...

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! Uh, she looks like that uh, that chick that used to be young and had big hooters.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Butt-head

And she was like, married to that dude and living with her parents, and now she does those commercials for like, hungry foreign kids.

Beavis

Oh yeah! And she was also in that commercial for the career institute, where she's going like, [high-pitched voice] "You can get a wonderful new career and an associate's degree in business management, x-ray tech, court reporter, computer technicians, high school!"

Butt-head

Yeah. [both laugh]

Beavis

I was thinking of signing up for that career institute, and like, then I could be like, X-Ray technician, and I could look through chicks' clothes and stuff. That'd be cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. That'd be a good job.

Beavis

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Beavis

[jabbers nonsensically] What? What did you say?

Butt-head

What? I didn't say anything!

Beavis

Oh. I thought you said something, like, just now, right before I went [jabbers nonsensically], didn't you say something?

Butt-head

Uh, no.

Beavis

Really? I could've sworn I heard you say something, like you said, [imitates Butt-head] "Uhuhuh, yeah, this is cool", or something like that.

Butt-head

Uh, no, Beavis, I didn't say anything. You oughta try not saying anything.

Beavis

Okay. I'll give that a try right now.

Beavis

Whoa, I think this is my grampa!

Butt-head

No this is that dude that was in that movie...he married his cousin, and then they did it.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I think that movie was called "Great Balls of FFFFIRE!!"

Butt-head

Did you know when you get it on with your cousin, it means she's your cousin, uh, like, once removed?

Beavis

Whoa, really? Y'know my grampa told me once, that like, because he did it with his cousin, that means that my, grandma.....is my....cousin, and my mom is my great aunt.

Butt-head

Uh, yeah and she's also a great slut.

Beavis

Oh yeah and um, and also, I think my grandma is a nitwit.

Beavis

It's like, I didn't know you could like, rock on the piano.

Butt-head

Yeah, it's like all you need to do is like, y'know, kick the piano and do it with your cousin and, you'll be cool forever.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Or maybe you could like do it with the piano and kick your cousin! Yeah!

Butt-head

Beavis.

Beavis

Oh, sorry about that.

Beavis

Hey, hey! Quit looking at me like that! You wanna fight?!

Butt-head

You always like, talk tough in front of the TV set but if that dude was really here, you'd be a total wuss.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head! I'd take him on.

Butt-head

No you wouldn't! You'd be going like [Mocks Beavis's voice] Yeah...huh huh huh...yeah...huh huh huh.

Beavis

Yeah. [snickers] Yeah.

Butt-head

Is that that Christian Slater dude?

Beavis

Yeah. It's like "Christians? Later, dude."

Butt-head

Beavis, quit trying to be funny. It never works.

Butt-head

Whoa! This part of the song sucks. It's like, that other part is pretty cool, but it's like, they go into all these different parts, and most of them suck.

Beavis

If they could just stick to that one part that's cool, you know? Not play the stuff that, like, sucks, and uh, you know, then like, you know, we'd all be like, you know, we'd all be a little better.

You've got time, but you ain't got time for me...

Butt-head

Look at him! He's saying his dad doesn't have time for him.

Beavis

Aww! Aww! He ain't got time for me!

Butt-head

He's practically crying.

Beavis

Aww! That's too bad.

Butt-head

Uhh, I think this dude is checking you out, Beavis.

Beavis

No he's not! Liar.

Butt-head

Yeah he is. He's like, "I like what I see. I'll be right over."

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! He can't see me, because he's just looking at the camera, he's in the video.

Butt-head

Remember that time that dude was saying that stuff to you at the bus station?

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Butt-head

He said, "I like what I see. Now why don't you go into one of those stalls and I'll meet you there."

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! At least I got a candy bar out of the deal.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Who the hell is this buttmunch?! What's going on here?

Butt-head

What's with all these faces he's making? He's like, trying to be scary and all heavy and intense and stuff.

Beavis

Who's this other guy, that keeps, like, trying to get in front of him?

Butt-head

I think he's just some jackass that wandered on the set. Maybe he's like, the drummer, and like, they got there and they said "Where are your drums?" and he's like, "Uhh, I thought they were in the van."

Beavis

And they're like, "You mean you didn't bring your drums?"

Butt-head

And they said "Okay, it's your own fault. You're gonna have to wander around like a buttmunch for the whole video."

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. And then he said "Okay, that's okay with me, yeah. I can do that."

Butt-head

What a jack-butt-munch-ass-dumb-butt.

Butt-head

Look at that little braid thing on the back of his head.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, one of those dolls, where you pull the string, and they, like, talk and stuff.

Butt-head

That would be a cool doll if you had, like, this little bald dude without a shirt, and you, like, pull a string on the back of his head and he just starts shouting at you. And then it could wet its pants.