Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Whoa, look, Butt-head! Poop in a jar!

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I think there's some wee-wee there too.

Butt-head

Uh...wait a minute. This isn't Cher.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, it's Charles Manson!

Butt-head

No, dumbass. It's Marilyn Manson.

Beavis

Oh. Really? Um, where have I heard that name? Charles Manson...

Butt-head

You know all these people in this video? They're all like, part of this Manson dude's family, and then they like, do it with each other, and then they like, go out and kill people and cut their ears off and stuff?

Beavis

Really? I'll be damned.

Butt-head

Yeah, and like, this is how they like, spend Thanksgiving. They sit around and get naked and scream.

Beavis

You know, I've seen a lot of stuff, but this is really just disturbing, and just really wrong, and this is just bad.

Butt-head

These people are messed up.

Beavis

I got a pamphlet I'd like these guys to read. You know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

They're all gonna spend an eternity in Hell.

Beavis

You know, that one chick? That chick right there? She's kinda hot.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

I'd like to make love to her.

Butt-head

Yeah. Me too.

Beavis

I'd like to stroll down, and make love...

Butt-head

Come to Butt-head.

Butt-head

How does he make it, so like, you can't see his schlong?

Beavis

Oh, it's easy, Butt-head. You push it down to your taint and you tape it to your buttcrack with duct tape. I've done it before.

Butt-head

Uh...why did you tape your wiener to your buttbrack, Beavis?

Beavis

Um...I don't know, I wanted to try it, I thought maybe it'd save time.

Butt-head

Uh...wait a minute, Beavis. That's a dude! [Beavis screams] You want to make love to a dude, Beavis!

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! Shut up! You said you wanted to do him too!

Butt-head

No I didn't, Beavis.

Beavis

Yes you did! You said "Yeah, I wanna do her, come to Butt-head!"

Butt-head

No, I didn't, Beavis! Shut up before I kick you a new bunghole! [singing] Beavis wants to make love to a dude...

Beavis

SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD! Whoa, it's Matt Pinfield!

Butt-head

You wanna do it with him too, Beavis?

Beavis

SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD! I'm serious! I'm gonna haul off and kick you in the nads!

Butt-head

[Laughs] Beavis is a lesbian.

Butt-head

Check it out, this dumbass is trying to mail himself. Beavis...cut it out, Beavis. Dammit Beavis, cut it out. Uhh, that'd be cool if, like, I could, like, mail myself. I could put a stamp on my butt and say, like, "Take me to somewhere cool". Beavis, shut up.

Beavis

[still humming along] Higher!

Butt-head

Beavis, do you hear me? Shut up! Shut up, Beavis! Beavis, if you don't stop that right now, I'm gonna smack you upside the head!

Beavis

[sings along] Still be here with you...

Butt-head

I'm gonna give you three seconds, Beavis! What the hell's the matter with you, Beavis? [smacks Beavis]

Beavis

OOOWW!! [resumes humming along]

Butt-head

Beavis, do you hear me? [smacks Beavis again] Shut up!

Beavis

AH! OW! [resumes humming along]

Butt-head

Remember that time you turned that jack-in-a-box into a crap-in-the-box? That was cool. Uhh, Beavis? Beavis?

Beavis

[singing along] Higher, higher!

Butt-head

Beavis! What's your problem, Beavis? I said stop it! [fed up with this, Butt-head hums along. Beavis stops humming along.]

Butt-head

I heard this dude like did this whole song just by like whistling and singing and slapping his butt and stuff.

Beavis

Whoa! Really? I think I'm gonna try that.

Butt-head

Yeah. So am I. [Slaps Beavis across the face]

Butt-head

Don't worry, Beavis, be happy.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I'm not worried.

Butt-head

Oh yeah? Does this worry you? [smacks Beavis]

Beavis

AAH!! I'm gonna play drums on your nads with my foot!

Butt-head

I'd like to see you try, butt-knocker!

Beavis

Don't call me that, Butt-head! [kicks Butt-head in the testicles]

Butt-head

UUH! I'm gonna play drums on your face, buttknocker!

Butt-head

Okay, the fight's over! I won.

Beavis

No you didn't, Butt-head! I won.

Beavis

Whoa, check it out, it's Mrs. Doubt-FIRE!

Butt-head

Oh yeah.

Beavis

I don't think that guy's very funny.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like, he tries to talk really fast, so you won't notice that he's not very funny.

Beavis

I think he was funny, like, a long time ago, when it was, like, really fast.

Hey Beavis, this guy talks like you.

Beavis

No way, Butthead. [sounding like Dave Mustaine] He doesn't talk like me.

He sorta talks like you. He just doesn't sound as much of a wuss as you do.

Beavis

Shut up, Butthead.

What's that dude doing back there?

Beavis

That's Dave Mustaine.

No way, Beavis, that's Dave Mustaine up in front.

Beavis

No way, Butthead. Dave Mustaine sings better than that.

Yeah. That's like a Dave Mustaine look-alike.

Was this guy raised by wolves?

Beavis

Yeah. Wolves are cool. If you were like raised by wolves, you could like, go take a leak in the forest, and like, take a dump too. And then you'd like kill sheep and stuff.

You could take a dump in the woods, even if you weren't raised by wolves, dude.

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Beavis

Yes! Yes!

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

This rules, Butt-head, check this out!

Los ticka toe rest...

Butt-head

What? I can't understand what he's saying.

Beavis

What's your problem, dumbass? He's saying, like, um...

...sender bright like a penelty...

Beavis

Done brine like a pelty? Yeah, that's cool.

Beavis

See, like, right here, he says, uh...

Exi-tease my ray day member half lost a beat away...

Beavis

Um, exit is my raging member, ban on a TV.

Butt-head

These words rule!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah! Rock!