Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

He's smiling at you.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head!

Beavis

Oh god.

Butt-head

Look at his face.

Beavis

Look at that crack in his chin.

Butt-head

I think it's a buttcrack.

Beavis

Well I guess that would make sense, since like, there's just a bunch of diarrhea coming out of his mouth.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's like when God was passing out buttcracks, this guy got in line twice.

Beavis

Yeah. And then God gave him one too, you know, the second time.

Beavis

[drinks soda, does a spit take] AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO STOP IT! STOP IT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! PLEASE SHUT UP! CHANGE THE CHANNEL BUTT-HEAD, RIGHT NOW!!! COME ON!!!

Butt-head

No way. [turns the volume up to full on the television]

Beavis

COME ON, NO, CUT IT OUT, BUTT-HEAD!!! GIMME THAT!!! STOP IT BUTT-HEAD! STOP!

Butt-head

This is cool.

Beavis

NO! YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK!!! NO! NOOOOO!!! SHUT UP RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KICK YOUR BUTTCRACK FACE IN!!!

Butt-head

You dumbass.

Beavis

[screams unintelligibly]

Butt-head

That sucked, Beavis.

Beavis

Check it out, Butt-head! It's Mallory, that chick from Family Ties.

Butt-head

Yeah. This is really noisy.

Beavis

Yeah. Noise is cool.

Butt-head

This chick is weird.

Beavis

This chick's mouth is crooked.

Butt-head

I wonder why.

Beavis

Yeah. Why is it crooked?

Butt-head

Uh... I don't know.

Butt-head

Beavis, the name of this song is ‘50 Foot Queenie.'

Beavis

Yeah, I'd like a 50 foot queenie.

Butt-head

I'd like a 50 foot weenie.

Butt-head

This chick's got kinda, like, a big mouth.

Beavis

Yeah, really. And her nose is kinda big too.

Butt-head

And you know what they say about having a big nose.

Beavis

Oh yeah. She's probably got a big schlong too.

Butt-head

Yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing.

Beavis

You can't really do that, Butt-head. So don't even try.

Butt-head

I'm pretty good at smacking you upside the head, though.

Beavis

Woah, check it out, someone's getting on a chair, Butt-head. Maybe there's gonna be a hanging.

Butt-head

Uh...it's just someone standing on a chair, Beavis. You automatically think someone's gonna hang themself?

Beavis

Uh, yeah, I guess I'm just uh...WOAH! I just saw a boob, Butt-head. Check it out!

Butt-head

You always think you're seeing a boob like that, it's probably just an elbow or something.

Beavis

No way Butt-head, it was a boob.

Butt-head

Well so what, you only saw it for like a second or something, what's so great about that?

Beavis

Um, a second is better than nothing.

Butt-head

No it isn't. It sucks.

Beavis

Damnit Butt-head, why do you always have to tear down everything good in my life!?

Butt-head

'Cause your life sucks, Beavis. Your life sucks and nobody likes you.

Beavis

Really? Heh, I don't really give a crap.

Butt-head

[half laughing] You don't have any friends.

Beavis

I have a special little friend. Boi-oi-oing.

Butt-head

Yeah, shut up Beavis. Your special friend probably hates you too.

Beavis

No way Butt-head, you wish.

Beavis

Aah, she's got blood in her eyes! Ew, this is freaky, Butt-head, I don't wanna watch this. C'mon, change it.

Butt-head

Beavis, you're a wuss.

Beavis

Damnit, someone should help her. They should just like, stop having the video and just like, go help her. She's all beat up. I like....feel all sorry for her and stuff. Kinda freaking me out.

There's an, old man on a sleigh! Who's like-k-k-k me for just one day!

Beavis

Is it Sting?

Butt-head

No way, Beavis. Sting sucks! This guy's cool!

So here's a little gift, a song to him, from me! Merry-merry-merry-merry-merry Christmas Santa Claus!

Butt-head

This dude stutters!

Beavis

Yeah, that's cool!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, Santa Claus looks like one of those biker dudes!

Butt-head

Yeah, except he's got that sled and that dorky outfit.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. How does Santa Claus get those reindeer to fly?

Butt-head

Because he beats the crap out of them with a whip!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Maybe he's pretty cool!

Beavis

What is that?

Butt-head

It's a hoe.

Beavis

Yeah, I know, but what's that thing she's dragging behind her? [Butt-head laughs] Why is that funny?

Butt-head

Because, Beavis, you thought when I said a hoe, that thought I was talking about the chick. But I was talking about the hoe.

Beavis

Okay, but why is that funny?

Butt-head

Dammit Beavis! Because, like, when a word means two things like that, it's pretty funny.

Beavis

I'll be damned. I didn't know that.

Butt-head

You know, it's like, choking your chicken could be, like, if you had a pet chicken, and you were choking it. [as in literally asphyxiating a chicken] Or it could mean, like, you're choking your chicken. [as in masturbation]

Beavis

[laughing] Oh yeah. That's funny! Choking your chicken, that's pretty funny. I get that one. Okay, I got one - masturbating! [laughs]

Butt-head

Uhh, that doesn't work, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah it does! I do it all the time!

Butt-head

This chick has small nostrils.

Beavis

I think anybody's nostrils would look small to you, Butt-head. You look like a cow.

Butt-head

Well, I may have big nostrils, but you know what that means.

Beavis

Oh yeah. It means you have lots of loogie.

Butt-head

Okay, Beavis. You'll be thinking about loogies and I'll be slapping around my gigantic schlong.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head. I think the TV's on slow. Fix it.

Butt-head

Beavis, you can't put the TV on slow. You're thinking of the VCR or something.