Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

I think this chick just like, woke up or something.

Beavis

She probably doesn't start rocking until later like in the afternoon or something.

Butt-head

She probably rocks it around 4, and has a late lunch, and then she goes to the mall.

Beavis

She goes shopping for a new nightie, and then she takes a nap, and then she rocks until 3 or 4 in the morning, and then she sleeps 'till noon.

Butt-head

Yeah. Musicians rule.

Butt-head

Check it out! Her guitar's broken.

Beavis

Oh yeah. They should like, break more guitars.

Butt-head

Uh...yeah!

Beavis

They should break that escalator too. That would rule.

Beavis

Yeah, stomp on it! Kick it!

Butt-head

Yeah! I hate those things.

Beavis

Yeah. Everytime someone brings one of those into class, I just like, stick my hand on it and flip everybody off.

Butt-head

Check it out, she's horny. Chicks get that look when like, I talk to them and stuff.

Beavis

Yeah, and then they just leave.

Beavis

That drummer looks like a regular guy.

Butt-head

Yeah. If you saw him on the street, you wouldn't even know he was cool.

Beavis

What's happening to this dude's face?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think he's like, changing expressions and stuff.

Beavis

Really? That's dumb.

Butt-head

It's like, you really only need, like, three expressions or something. Like one expression for when you're trying to pick up on a chick.

Beavis

When I'm trying to pick up on a chick, I usually look like this. [Beavis' face is in his neutral expression]

Butt-head

Yeah. I usually use this expression. [Butt-head grimaces] And then, like, you need an expression for when you're lying.

Beavis

I usually use this one when I'm lying. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral] And then you have and expression for when, like, you're taking a dump.

Butt-head

This one usually works for me. [Butt-head grimaces]

Beavis

I usually use this one. [Beavis' face is once again in neutral]

Butt-head

That's a pretty good one, Beavis.

Butt-head

[The screen says Violet] Uh...violence?

Beavis

Yeah, alright! I like it when they tell you beforehand that there's gonna be some violence, so you can make sure you don't, like, go to the bathroom or anything.

Butt-head

Check it out! Hole!

Beavis

Oh yeah! Who are these guys, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uh...this is Hole, Beavis. Who did you think I was talking about?

Beavis

Oh! I thought you were talking about her bunghole.

Butt-head

You dumbass.

Beavis

Yeah. Hole!

Butt-head

So like, the sign at the beginning said "violence", and the band's name is Hole, and it's like, we aren't seeing any violence or any hole.

Beavis

Yeah, really! That sucks!

Butt-head

Yeah. They need to like, show a big, violent butthole.

Beavis

I'll show you my butthole if you want. [Butt-head slaps Beavis across both sides of his face] Ow!

Beavis

You know, I heard this Hole chick is a slut.

Butt-head

Really?

Beavis

Yeah, I think it'd be cool if like, we got together and like, we could like spaz out and stuff, and then we could like, do it.

Butt-head

Beavis, the only way you could score is if she was like, the biggest slut in the world.

Beavis

Yeah! Yeah! [Beavis' eyes widen] YEAH!

Butt-head

You know who Hole looks like in this video? She looks like that Tori Spelling chick.

Beavis

Yeah, but Hole looks a lot hotter than Tori Spelling.

Butt-head

What kind of a name is Hole anyways?

Beavis

Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna name your daughter Hole, at least name her like, Bunghole or something.

Butt-head

It could be like, you know, that joke where the father names her after the first thing he sees when she's born.

Beavis

Yeah, but then why would he, um...oh yeah!

Butt-head

[moans]

Beavis

Um, hey Butt-head, is it normal for the inside of your bunghole to itch?

Butt-head

Whoa! Is this video over?

Beavis

Um, yeah! Yeah, it's over!

Butt-head

Well that was pretty cool. I mean it sucked but at least it was short! They should make 'em all this short!

Beavis

Yeah, really! Then you wouldn't have to listen to 'em as much. What else is on?

Shanna, will you hurry up and get your funky butt off the bed?

Beavis

Did you hear that? She just called her monkey butt!

Butt-head

Yeah. That was pretty cool!

Beavis

I'm getting kinda sick of Janet Jackson.

Butt-head

Yeah. She always has a bunch of chicks sitting around and talking before the video.

Beavis

That's a pretty nice hotel.

Butt-head

Yeah. When you're, like, rich and famous, you can stay in those really nice hotels where they have adult videos and hourly rates and stuff like that.

Beavis

How come hotels have hourly rates anyway?

Butt-head

'Cause, dumbass, it only takes, like, an hour to do it.

Beavis

Wow. A whole hour?

Butt-head

A whole whore.

Beavis

Yeah, a whole whore.

Butt-head

You can get on the phone and be like "Uhh, room service? I'd like some bacon, and a couple Cokes, and a bunch of whores..."

Beavis

Yeah yeah! "And a side order of POOP!"

Butt-head

Uh, what did you say, Beavis?

Beavis

Oh, I was just saying, "And a side order of POOP!"

Butt-head

Oh boy. Beavis, you just sent my boner into the ground.

Beavis

Um, oh. Sorry about that. I just, you know...I don't know, I thought it was pretty cool. [muttering to himself] A side order of poop? To go with the whores?

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis.