Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Whoa, Butt-head, that's your Uncle Jack!

Butt-head

No it's not.

Beavis

Yeah it is! Hey Jack, how's it goin'? That was him!

Butt-head

No it wasn't, Beavis! He's alot fatter than that.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that must've been him 'cause he was comin' outta, like, one of those, uh, naked places.

Butt-head

Oh yeah! I think that was him!

But I'm a substitute...

Beavis

Did he say prostitute? I think he said prostitute, Butt-head!

Butt-head

No he didn't, he's talking about, y'know like, substitute teachers?

Beavis

Oh yeah, [a painting of Kojak is shown for a split second] KOJAK! Um, so uh, what was I saying?

Butt-head

Uh, you said something 'bout Kojak.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They should have, like, prostitute teachers.

Butt-head

Yeah, they could get your mom to come in!

Beavis

Oh yeah, she's a slut!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, check it out, it's Lemmy! And that chick from White Zombie! Yeah!

Butt-head

Uhhh, yeah that is Lemmy.

Beavis

What's he doing in this video?

Butt-head

He's Lemmy. He can walk into any damn video he wants!

Beavis

Oh yeah, that's probably because he rules! Hey look, Butt-head, someone's hassling your Uncle Jack!

Butt-head

Yeah, he's not supposed to be in a bar!

Beavis

Oh yeah, he always gets all drunk and gets in a fight! And then calls up!

Butt-head

Yeah, he says: [disoriented] "Uhhhhhh hey Butt-head, bluuh, you think you could come down here? Uh huh huh huh."

Beavis

Yeah! Next time he does that, we should go.

Butt-head

Uhuhuhuhuh, honor students.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

It's like, this video looks like one of those old punk bands, you know, but it's like, the video doesn't look old, so it's like, it seems like a bunch of guys now, they're like--

Beavis

Aah, shut up Butt-head!

Butt-head

Uh, okay. Uh, I mean, Beavis, what did you just say?

Beavis

I said shut up! I'm sick and tired of listening to your stupid crap. Just shut up.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. "I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Shut up!

Butt-head

Beavis, there's gonna be two hits: my hand hitting your face, and uh...my hand hitting your face again.

Beavis

Yeah right, and I'm gonna kick you in the nads. Just shut up.

Butt-head

Beavis, don't you ever tell me to shut up. I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you.

Beavis

Yeah yeah yeah right. I'm gonna cave your nads in.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis. I'm going to beat the living crap out of your ass.

Beavis

[kicks Butt-head in the testicles, causing him to fall to the floor] Take that, dumbass. Shut up. Yeah yeah, shut up. I'm gonna go get something to eat. [walks away]

Butt-head

[In pain] Beavis, get back here and fight like a man!

Butt-head

Uhh...what is this?

Beavis

Oh, I know. This is that song "Cotton-Eyed Joe", we used to sing this in kindergarten.

Butt-head

Oh yeah. I remember that. Kindergarten was cool.

Beavis

Yeah. Kindergarten ruled. They'd give us, like, fingerpaints, and you'd just, like, mess everything up and then you'd, like, drink a bunch of Kool-Aid and then go, like, lie down on your little towel. That rules

Butt-head

That was back when school was cool.

Beavis

Yeah, really. And then sometimes, I'd go running around with my pants down, and I wouldn't get in trouble.

Butt-head

Remember that time in kindergarden, when we were playing store and you called the teacher a whore? And then you tried to give her some of that play money?

Beavis

Heh, yeah. I think that was the first time I ever got some.

Butt-head

You didn't get any, dumbass. She just spanked you and told you to shut up.

It's a Psychobilly Freakout!

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, it's a Psychobilly Freakout! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Butt-head

This dude is weird!

Beavis

Yeah. He's like, our kind of people.

Butt-head

Uh, I think I used to see this guy down at Maxi-Mart, like, playing video games all day and like, drinking Slushies.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, I heard he got a million points on Centipede once.

Butt-head

Yeah. He's cool!

Beavis

Um, heh, hey Butt-head, what kind of music is this?

Butt-head

Uh...

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IIIISS!!!

Butt-head

Uh huh huh huh huh.

IT'S SOME KINDA TEXAS PSYCHOBILLY FREAKOUT, THAT'S WHAT IT IIISS!!!

Butt-head

I think it's, like, some kind of country music, but it's, like, country music after you've been, like, playing Centipede for, like, twenty four hours.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. This would make good music to play, like, while your playing Centipede? It's like, y'know, instead of you just goin' around goin': "DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA DA DUN DUN DUN DUN DIDDLE-A DA!" Heheheheh, yeah, yeah!

Butt-head

I bet you could score a lot of points.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Yeah, maybe you could score! Yeah!

Beavis

Whoa, hey Butt-head, check it out he's a liar, you know "Liar, Liar, I'll ripped your balls out! I'll kick your ass! Liar!"

Butt-head

Shut up! Those aren't the rules.

Beavis

Whoa, whores! Check it out, Butt-head, whores!

Butt-head

Yeah. Whores rules.

So you think you're gonna live your life alone...

Beavis

Yeah!

...in darkness and seclusion.

Beavis

Darkness rules!

...and then you meet me.

Beavis

Yeah, I'd like to meet you. That'd be cool.

Butt-head

He's talking to a chick, Beavis.

Butt-head

Hey, isn't that the wrong letter on his chest?

Beavis

Oh yeah, isn't it supposed to be like a five on there, or something?

Butt-head

Yeah. Maybe because like he's a liar, he put the wrong letter on there?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. He's a liar. Liar!

Butt-head

Lying rules.

Question...

Butt-head

Queshtun.

Beavis

Queshtun.

Butt-head

That's pretty good, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah, thanks.

Question!

Beavis

[parroting Sagat] Queshtun!

Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...

Beavis

Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...

I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months...

Butt-head

Question. Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener fifteen times a day for three months?

Beavis

Shut up!

Butt-head

Funk dat!

Beavis

Question! Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it? Funk dat!

Butt-head

They should get this guy on that 16 Minutes show instead of that old Mickey Rooney dude they got. He sucks.

Beavis

Check this out, Butt-head. [imitates Andy Rooney] You know what I don't understand? Why is it that every time I pick my nose, it's full again in a few minutes? Funk dat!

Butt-head

You sound just like that buttmunch.

Beavis

Check this out, too. [imitates Andy Rooney again] How come they call it taking a dump and not leaving a dump? I mean after all, you're not really taking it anywhere. Funk dat!

Butt-head

What the hell is this?

Beavis

Um, I think this is Primus.

Butt-head

No, this is the Seminefrious Tubloidial Buttnoids.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

These guys, like, crawl up into people's butts, and, like, go exploring.