Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

That guy has a disease.

Beavis

Yeah. He's got wussy-itis.

Butt-head

First it causes your hair to turn red, then your butt falls off.

Butt-head

Hey Beavis. Have you ever had an operation?

Beavis

Yeah, heh heh. I had my tonsils removed.

Butt-head

Woah. That means you were neutered, dude.

Beavis

No way. Really?

Butt-head

Dude, that's what they do when they remove your testicles.

Beavis

Heh...cool.

Butt-head

(Scoffs) Happiness.

Beavis

Um...you said penis. I just thought I'd tell you that.

Butt-head

I know! Why do you think they call it happiness?

Beavis

Oh yeah! Because when you're weiner's happy, you're happy.

Beavis

You know, I wasn't feeling very good when this song started...um, I feel pretty good now! Feeling pretty happy; shiny.

Butt-head

Shut up, Beavis! You're a miserable piece of crap.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! I'm happier than you.

Butt-head

No way, Beavis! You're miserable because nobody likes you, chicks don't like you, you're not good at anything...

Beavis

Yeah, but um, I'm hung like a horse!

Beavis

Ahhhhhhhh, yeah. I like to mellow out to this song.

Butt-head

Yeah. Let's get a little mellow.

Beavis

Sometimes if I have a boner that won't go down, I listen to this kind of music.

Butt-head

Hey, that looks like that dude...uhh, he was on TV, and then they made cartoon out of him.

Beavis

Oh yeah. He's got that shirt, and then his hair's all in a point on the top of his head. Yeah, what's his name?

Butt-head

Uhh...yeah, what is his name?

Beavis

Dammit...he's always going, "I must say,"

Butt-head

And then he's always saying he's gonna be on Wheel of Fortune, and he's, like, all into Pat Sajak. Uhh, Wigley? Smegley?

Beavis

No, no. Dammit. What's his name? Dammit! This guy looks just like him. Dammit! I'm forgetting everything! I can't remember anything anymore! Hey Butt-head, try smacking me. But just once.

Butt-head

Uhh, sure. [slaps Beavis several times]

Beavis

AHH! OWW!! Um...Ed Grimley!

Butt-head

Oh yeah, that's the dude. I oughta hit you more often, Beavis.

Beavis

You hit me?

Butt-head

Yeah. [Beavis kicks Butt-head in the testicles] AAAAAHHHH!!!

Beavis

Bunghole! Don't ever hit me again!

Beavis

Woah. Is she Chinese?

Butt-head

I think that's that Connie Schlong chick that called the president's mom a bitch on TV.

But sex!

Butt-head

Butt sex?

Beavis

How come that guy's wearing his mom's coat?

Butt-head

Uh, I think that's your mom's coat, Beavis. I think he's wearing it to show that he did her.

Beavis

Oh, oh, yeah, heh, what a slut. Woah, look, they're all wearing them.

Butt-head

I have one of those coats in my closet right now.

Beavis

You know, um, heh, you should go easy on my mom, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Isn't she already easy enough?

Beavis

Enough!

Beavis

Um, I'd like to talk about rollercoasters for a minute.

Butt-head

[humoring him] Okay, Beavis.

Beavis

You know how like, sometimes you're on a rollercoaster and it feels like your nads are floating inside your sack?

Butt-head

Uh, yeah.

Beavis

Well um, heh, it gives me a special feeling. I also get that on elevators sometimes.

Butt-head

Uh, oh yeah, me too. I kinda get a special feeling in my buttcheeks when an elevator goes down.

Butt-head

Uh, that looks kinda like Conan O'Brien.

Beavis

Oh, yeah. I heard he has a gigantic schlong.

Butt-head

Uh, no. You're thinking of me, Beavis.

Beavis

No. I was thinking of me, actually. Doi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Beavis

[seeing a man milking a cow] Check it out, that dude's choking the cow's chicken!

Butt-head

No he's not, bungmunch. That's how you get milk.

Beavis

Um...you have to spank a cow's monkey to get milk??

Butt-head

No, you squeeze its boobs!

Beavis

Wow. Really?? I didn't know a cow had boobs. I thought it just had, you know, that big nutsack with all the wieners hanging off it.

Butt-head

I like it when old people let their mouths hang open, cause they don't remember to close it.

Beavis

Yeah. I think I'm gonna do that right now. [Beavis lets his jaw hang open] This feels kinda good.

Butt-head

Maybe I'll try it. [Butt-head lets his jaw hang open] This is pretty cool.

Butt-head

You know another cool thing about cows? They get to chew their own cud.

Beavis

Really?

Butt-head

Yeah. I learned it that time we went on that field trip to the dairy.

Beavis

Well, um, was I there?

Butt-head

Yeah, but you spent the whole time staring at the goat's nads.

Butt-head

Uhh, where are the drums?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah and the guitars and stuff.

Butt-head

Uhh, maybe this is rap.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Um, it's missing something though.

Butt-head

Yeah. It doesn't rhyme.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, he needs to bust a move or something.

Butt-head

Yeah, he needs to take off those damn glasses too.

Beavis

No way, Butt-head, maybe he needs them to see. Did you ever think of that?