Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Anthony Kiedis is cool!

Beavis

Yeah. These guys get all the chicks.

Butt-head

Yeah. These guys are cool!

Butt-head

Flea is cool!

Beavis

Yeah. Flea is cool!

Butt-head

I like the skull.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Whoa! A mask!

Beavis

Yeah. That's like that joke, "If you were as ugly as me, I would shave my head and put a mask on my butt and walk backwards."

Butt-head

No, dillweed, that's not how it goes! It's, "If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards."

Beavis

You mean, "If your dog was as ugly as you."

Butt-head

That's what I said! "If my dog was as ugly as me, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards."

Beavis

Oh yeah. That's pretty funny.

Beavis

Whoa, snakes are cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. I've got a good feeling about this video.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, me too.

Beavis

[singing along badly] I got a wiggle stick, mama! [normal voice] I got a wiggle stick.

Butt-head

Well, don't wiggle it here.

Butt-head

This guy has, like, a really cool jacket, and like, there's snakes, and it rocks, and it's like, it's like, just cool.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. This is cool.

Butt-head

What's all that crap on the newspaper?

Beavis

I think that's like, um...words and stuff.

Butt-head

Oh yeah.

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. How come, like, when you go to the dentist, sometimes they call the bathroom the laboratory?

Butt-head

Uh...I don't know.

Beavis

Maybe it's 'cause, like, that's where the dentist goes when he inspects your nads.

Butt-head

Your dentist inspects your nads?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Doesn't yours?

Butt-head

No. That's what the doctor does, Beavis.

Beavis

My dentist always looks at my nads. I have full coverage. Yeah.

Beavis

You know what license I always wondered how you get? A license to kill. You know, the 007? Like James Bond? How do you get one of those?

Butt-head

Uhh, I think first you have to get, like a learner's permit to kill when you're 16, and then there's like a written test.

Beavis

I don't do good on written tests, but um, that's one thing I might actually like go to school for and like take a test, you know, because um, because that would be cool, you know? 'Cause then like, when a cop pulls you over, and he's like, "Excuse me sir, the reason I pulled you over is you just killed somebody back there. Do you have your license to kill on you, sir? And your registration, please?"

Butt-head

Yeah. And then I'd just shoot him.

Beavis

No, that won't work, Butt-head. He's probably got a bulletproof vest, and he won't die, and you'll just get in a bunch of trouble.

Butt-head

You're right, Beavis. Violence is never the answer. Choose to defuse.

Beavis

Yeah, exactly.

Butt-head

Peace...

Beavis

Um... huh. Some of these girls look like Olivia Rodrigo. You know? Like that one... see, and that one. See what I'm saying?

Butt-head

Uh, they're all Olivia Rodrigo, dumbass.

Beavis

Whoa, really? See, her putting herself in this video over and over again like that, it's like taking jobs away from like 20 other hot chicks! It's not fair!

Butt-head

Yeah, really. It's messed up.

Beavis

You know, it's hard enough for hot chicks to get jobs. I mean, just look around! They never seem to be working!

Butt-head

That's right, because hot chicks have a... smegma attached to 'em or something.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. Because society has smegatized them, and then they have to like be a hot chick for like 50 years just to afford a house!

Butt-head

That's right, Beavis. And hot chicks take the jobs that most Americans aren't willing to do.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, exactly!

Beavis

You know, in all seriousness, if I like, had a clone, I'm pretty sure I could kick his ass.

Butt-head

The only thing you'd beat is your meat.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah. But wait a second... wait a second! I just thought of something else! So like, if I had a clone, and the clone sat on his hand until it was numb, and then he spanked my monkey, then it would feel like someone else!

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis... you're a genius. We gotta get clones.

Beavis

Yeah! As soon as possible!

[dancing with a group of cheerleaders] Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me, if you ever cared to ask. Good for you...

Beavis

You know, these cheerleaders don't seem all that great, you know.

Butt-head

Yeah really. The cheerleaders at our school are better than this, and half of them are pregnant.

Butt-head

The coach is like, "Olivia Rodrigo, I've been noticing you've been half-assing it at practice. You're supposed to be cheering for the Fighting Dolphins, not yelling about your boyfriend."

Beavis

"When you wear this uniform, you rep the school! Now if you wanna go burn down your boyfriend's house, you do it in your street clothes! This is not gonna help us beat the Wildcats!"

... Like a damn sociopath!

Butt-head

Uhhhh... what is that word, "soshiopath?"

Butt-head

That school psychiatrist said I was one of those, but it didn't matter, 'cause I don't care about her at all. Or anyone else really. I don't care about others. [cackles]