Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Here, toadie, toadie.

Tom Anderson

  Now, you'll only be painting the trim, and if I see so much as a drop of paint anywhere's else, you'll clean it up and it'll come out of your pay.  I don't want to see a whole lot of brush strokes and bubbles, neither.  You know, back when I'as in the service, they'd throw a fella in the brig for messing up the paint job.  Now, I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing.  [leaves]

Butt-head

  This sucks.

Beavis

  Yeah.

  [singing]  Breaking the law, breaking the law!

Now it's time for you boys to earn your keep. Look in the glove box.

Butt-head

[opens the glove compartment and pulls out two condoms] Oh no, Dave's gonna boof us.

Beavis

  M-80s?

Butt-head

  Firecrackers?

Beavis

  Fireworks?

Butt-head

  These people are stupid.

Bueno. Recuerdan por favor, clase, siempre contestan en Español. Bueno? [he walks to the back of the room with a sign that says Juan es Alto] Senor Butt-head, ¿Como es Juan?

Butt-head

Uh, burritos.

No no no, ¿Como es Juan? ¿Como es Juan?

Butt-head

Uh, guacamole.

No, no. ¿Senor Beavis, Como es Juan?

Beavis

Um, spaghetti.

Butt-head

Heh heh. Spaghetti?

Spaghetti? That's Italian, you moron! Dammit! You idiots have been in this class for almost a whole school year, and the only Spanish you know is what you learned at Taco Bell!! ..And Beavis can't even get that right! I'm gonna give you little bastards just ten seconds to come up with a sentence in Spanish, and if you can't, you're both going to the principal's office and you're both flunking. [pause] Well, I'm waiting.

Butt-head

Uuuuh.. [mocks Spanish accent] rendo-pordo-curdoh-nut-a-ben-yubarduhvuh Rico Suave. Huh-huh.

Principal's office, now!

Beavis

[Gears are turning in his head] Uh, Taco Supreme.

Get out! Now!

Beavis

[screaming] AAAAGH!! OWW!!!!!!

Butt-head

Whoa, that was cool, it really does happen.

Therefore we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins since they have the same genetic makeup. They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh, while Butt-head shakes and throws two dice] So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and-

Butt-Head

She said sperm.

Depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg - I said, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygote will be either male or female - SHUT UP!!! [Beavis & Butt-Head continue to laugh] McVicker's office, now!

Principal McVicker

Oh, you guys think this is funny? You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times. And this laughing thing...What the hell is with this laughing thing?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the gay 90s. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing harder] See? See?! Now that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are both suspended for a week!

Butt-Head

[He and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning] Uhhh... what does that mean?

Principal McVicker

I-I-It means I-I-I don't want to see you anywhere near this school for a whole week!

Butt-Head

Cool! [he and Beavis start to act like they are playing guitars to the riff of 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses]

Principal McVicker

SHUT UP! Forget it. No no, you're not suspended. No, I've got a better idea. Yeah, hah-hah-hah-hah!! I'm gonna get you guys this time. [He takes a bottle of "Old Crow" out from under his desk, Beavis and Butthead start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]

Buzzcut

Soooo, Beavis and Butthead. I understand Mr. McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys, yeah a little probation. You see, class, Beavis and Butthead here, are not allowed to laugh for a whole week. That's right, and if they do laugh, they'll be expelled and they'll have to go to Hope High School where they'll get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents! Ha ha ha!

Buzzcut

Well I was real glad to hear that because this is Sex Education week. That's right, Sex Ed week! [Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] We're gonna be talking about the PENIS! We'll be talking about the VAGINA! Do you think that's funny, Butthead?! Do you find it amusing that we'll be talking about the testicles?! [Butt-head strans to hold in his laughter] Yes we're also gonna be talking about Venereal Disease. Sexual intercourse! The Scrotum. The Clitoris. And...And we will definitely be spending a LOT of time talking about MASTURBATION! [class giggles; Beavis and Butt-head struggle to hold in their laughter] Well, now that's out of the way, let's take roll. Butkis!

Here. Ha ha ha.

Buzzcut

Gaylord! Hymen!

Butt-head

Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh...

Beavis

Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh, heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...

Injury hotline

Butt-head

Uh, I've been injured.

You have?

Butt-head

Yeah, I've got a big crack in my butt.

Butt-Head

Huh,huh, this court is now in session.

Beavis

I know you've sworn sir, and I've read your complaint. Heh,heh.

Butt-Head

It's my turn to be the judge asswipe! Huh,huh,huh,..This court is now in session. Iknow you've sworn sir, and I've read your complaint. How does you hold against the charges of......

Beavis

Trespassing! Heh,heh,heh.

Butt-Head

Yeah, and buzzing around and getting in my face and stuff. Huh,huh,huh, has the jury reached the verdict?

Beavis

The defence rests.

Butt-Head

Yeah huh,huh,huh, shut up! I herby sentence the defendant to death by ........ uh..death by... huh,huh,huh, sawing off his twiener! Huh,huh,huh,huh,huh.

Beavis

(Beavis whips out Mr. Anderson's chainsaw and mutilates the grasshopper; also chopping off Butt-Head's index finger which bleeds continuously)

(singing Judas Priest Breaking the Law) BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWW; BREAKING THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!

Butt-Head

(index finger is still bleeding) Huh, huh, huh.... cool.

Mr. Anderson

  Now, I want you boys to prune both of these trees up front here and I, uh…  Hey, you boys look familiar.  Aren't you the ones that ran off with my riding mower last week?

Butt-head

  Uh…no.

Mr. Anderson

  You the ones that painted my cat's butt?

Butt-head

  No.

Mr. Anderson

  Well, the cops'll get 'em.  Luckily, I've got homeowner's insurance.

Mr. Anderson

  I'll be back in a while to see how you're doing.  Remember, it ain't what you cut, it's what you don't cut.  [walks away]

Butt-head

  What a dork.