Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

Get it on, bang your schlong.

Beavis

Yeah, and then there's that other part: "get it on, bang a schlong, with your...dong."

Butt-head

Yeah. Schlong.

Beavis

ALL RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU READY TO GET WILD?

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?

Butt-head

Uh huh.

Beavis

I WANNA ASK YOU ONE QUESTION, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Butt-head

Okay.

Beavis

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Butt-head

Buttmunch.

Beavis

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME, um, uh, who are these guys?

Butt-head

Uh, Jesus Lizard.

Beavis

Um, PLEASE WELCOME JESUS, ah, LIZARD! Yeah. I - I'm pretty good at that, yeah. I oughta be one of those guys. I bet - I bet I could do that.

Butt-head

Beavis, you would suck! The audience would, like, start booing, and then the band would kick your ass.

Beavis

Shut up, Butt-head! You know, one of my teachers told me I had special abilities. Dumbass.

Butt-head

Beavis...

Beavis

Butthole.

Butt-head

...she just said that 'cause you're stupid!

Beavis

Uh...oh, really?

Butt-head

These guys aren't too bad for one of those Jesus bands.

Beavis

Yeah. They don't really sound like Christian rock, though.

Butt-head

Uh, no, I mean like, you know, for one of those bands that has "Jesus" in their name.

Beavis

Ohhh yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like, about 900 of those bands...you know, The Jesus and Mary, uh, Joseph, like, 900-Foot Jesus, you know.

Butt-head

Yeah. And most of 'em suck!

Butt-head

Whoa! That guy has bigger boobs than she does.

Beavis

Yeah. Maybe we should touch them.

Butt-head

It's a dude, Beavis!

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah. I forgot. He does has big boobs, though.

Beavis

Those are some dudes holding their rods.

Butt-head

Yeah! That's pretty cool.

Butt-head

She should put her address on the screen so we can know where to go, so we can touch her.

Beavis

Why would you need a dress?? You some kind of transformer?

Butt-head

No, Beavis! Not a dress. An address!

Beavis

Um...yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh huh.

Butt-head

You're stupid, Beavis!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Uh, now what?

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah, this isn't much better. What the hell is this?

Butt-head

That's that dude who would, like, rather be a girl.

Beavis

Yeah. I wonder why that chick's hanging out with him?

Butt-head

Uhh...I don't know.

Butt-head

I don't feel like watching this either right now.

Beavis

Um, I don't think I feel like watching this ever.

Butt-head

Well, I've seen enough, Beavis, how about you?

Beavis

Yeah. Let's never watch this again. [changes channel]

Old Beavis

Whoa. That looks like that time you had that heart attack, and then they like, brought you back with that... infibulator?

Old Butt-head

Oh yeah. That thing hurt.

Old Beavis

They said you were dead for a while, too.

Old Butt-head

Uhh... that's right, I was. When I closed my eyes, I thought I saw God. And, uh, he said "I love you, Butt-head. Keep doing what you're doing. And don't ever come back." And then I woke up.

Old Beavis

And then, did you like, um, change your life, or something?

Old Butt-head

No. I was completely unchanged. And then they sent me a bill for $124,000, and I never paid it. I get a notice every couple months, and I just ignore it.

Old Beavis

In a just world, they would have killed you.

Old Butt-head

Yeah. It's not fair.

Beavis

Who is this?

Butt-head

Uhhhhh...uhhhhh...is this Manute Bol?

Beavis

Yeah. That dude can slam dunk without even jumping.

Butt-head

Yeah. It's too bad he can't sing.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Maybe this isn't Manute Bol.

Butt-head

Yeah. Manute Bol sings better than this.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

This man has lipstick on!

Beavis

Yeah. This is scary. Can I sleep at your house tonight?

Butt-head

Uhh, I don't know. I'll ask my mom's boyfriend.

Beavis

Ah, never mind.

Beavis

Come on, Butt-head, change it, quick!

Butt-head

No way! Check out this wuss.

Beavis

Vanilla Ice sucks.

Butt-head

Is this one of those Levi's 501 commercials?

Beavis

Yeah. Change it. Change it, Butt-head! Come on, Butt-head, THIS SUCKS! CHANGE IT, THIS SUCKS!

How it must feel... to be a bird...

Old Beavis

Ugh... is this guy Irish?

Old Butt-head

Oh he's Irish alright. I-rish he would shut up and stop singing.

Old Beavis

I think that was a, a dad joke, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head

Uh, how would you know, Beavis? You don't have a dad.

Old Beavis

Oh yeah, that's true.

Old Butt-head

A dad joke for you would be like, "Beavis, I'm glad you're my son. I wanna spend more time with you. And everyone knows if I'm alive or dead."