Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Old Beavis

Oh boy... is this song ever gonna like, speed up, or something?

Old Butt-head

Uh, no. I think it's getting slower.

Old Beavis

I think I know what he's doing, see? It's really slow now, but it's just gonna kick in any second, you know? Yeah yeah, here it comes. Dew-deh-deh-dew deh-DEW-DEH-DEW BAH-BAM-BAH-BAM BWOLGH! Drop the bass! BWAAAAAH! Bo-bo-bo-bo-bop-bo-bo-bo-bo-bop-bo-bo-bo-bo-bop-bo-bo-bo-bo-bop- HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A BIRD?! BWAAAAH! [the song is still slow] Oh? No? Guess I was wrong.

Old Butt-head

Uh, I think now there's less bass. He didn't drop anything.

Old Butt-head

This guy looks like one of those guys where like his dad wanted him to learn to box and become a fighter, but he wanted to sit around and write poems. His dad was right.

Old Beavis

Yeah, really. He was like, [Irish accent] "No dad, I don't want to learn to fight. My words are my fists!"

Old Butt-head

And then his dad was like, "Well, my fists are my fists!" And then he's punched him in the face.

Old Beavis

You know, this is like, the most bad that it could possibly be. You know?

Old Butt-head

Yeah. He like, showed the video to his friends, and they were like, "Uh, Dermot? This kind of sucks." And then he was like, "Kind of? Well just watch me! I'm gonna make it suck harder than anything has ever sucked before. More birds! More shots of the water! And no drums! If I hear the sound of one drum, I'm gonna punch you with my words!"

...when I'm face to face with death, I'll grab his throat...

Old Butt-head

Self-expression sucks.

Old Beavis

What's going on with this girl? She looks kinda weird.

Old Butt-head

Uh, that's not a girl, it's Kid LAROI.

Old Beavis

No, I mean the other girl. The blonde one? Something's... Something's going on.

Old Butt-head

Uhhh... I think like, this is L.A. and they say like, people in L.A. are all plastic. They get their faces shot full of brobloxin. It works though, because I bet she's like 50.

Old Beavis

Whoa! I bet she's like not real.

Old Butt-head

Uh, oh yeah! She's like a love doll.

Old Beavis

Whoa, really? What do you mean?

Old Butt-head

Yeah, she's just like a life-sized doll that you can do whatever you want to her.

Old Beavis

Whoa! Whoaaa! Whoooooaaaaa... So you can do whatever you want???

Old Butt-head

Yup.

Old Beavis

Well wait, this is against the law, right?

Old Butt-head

No, I don't think so.

Old Beavis

Whoa! And how much does one of those things cost?

Old Butt-head

Uhhh... I don't know. I think they're expensive.

Old Beavis

Yeah, yup. That's what I thought.

Butt-head

Why is that guy eating dinner with those old people?

Beavis

Yeah. Maybe he's in trouble.

Butt-head

Whoa! He's got a comb in his back pocket.

Butt-head

These guys are pretty cool for a bunch of mimes.

Beavis

Yeah. These mimes are cool 'cause they, like, makes lots of noise and scream.

Butt-head

I hate it when you're, like, at the fair...

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

...and some mime comes up and gets in your face and doesn't say anything. I usually kick 'em in the nads.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, that's when they start saying stuff. They say stuff like, "AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH! AHH!"

Butt-head

KISS is cool!

Beavis

Yeah. When's he gonna spit some blood?

Butt-head

I like when he sticks his long tongue out. [Gene Simmons sticks his tongue out] Yes!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Warm it up, Kris!

Beavis

Yeah. Warm it up, Kris! Warmer! With fire!

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, which one's Kross?

Butt-head

Kross is the Mac Daddy. And Kris is the Daddy Mac.

Beavis

Who do you think would win in a fight between Daddy Mac and the Mac Daddy?

Butt-head

I don't know. But they could both kick Axl's ass.

Beavis

Yeah. That would be cool if Axl got his ass kicked by a couple of 12-year-olds!

Butt-head

Damn it. I'm sick of seeing videos in schools.

Beavis

Yeah. Really.

Butt-head

If I wanted to see a video in school, I'd go to school and watch TV.

Beavis

Yeah, that's not a bad idea.

Butt-head

Heavy metal has come a long way.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Really.

Butt-head

Cool. Chicks.

Beavis

Yeah. I mean, even though the chicks are cool, it's like, the video still sucks.

Butt-head

Yeah. Really.

Butt-head

This is disgusting, Beavis.

Beavis

Yeah. It's sickening.

Butt-head

Look at this guy.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

Look at his face.

Beavis

Look at his hair.

Butt-head

Yeah. Look at his head.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. His whole head sucks.

Butt-head

Yeah. His chest is no picnic, either.

Beavis

He looks like Horshack.

Butt-head

Yeah. With Epstein's hair.